The Forever Kind
by rivereq
Summary: A sequel to The Rebel Kind. AH/OOC.
1. Chapter 1

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapte**r** 1:** Honesty.

I used to think change was good. It meant getting a chance to change an aspect of your life that you didn't think you could or maybe you were afraid to. I used to think having any chance at all to change my life and it's unfortunate events, were far beyond any kind of reach I could ever possibly have. I used to think once I got that chance; it would never be taken from me. I would hold onto it with a Kung Fu ninja grip and nothing would pry it from my fingers.

I was wrong in that, I was wrong because the first opportunity fate or the universe had given me; my mother snatched it right from me. And she did, she cut off any and every hopeful chance I had at anything beyond her. Anything beyond having my own life. It was weird, once I finally got used to being on my own and fending for myself, I had the hardest time grasping the point that I didn't have it anymore. I did for a minute, like maybe three seconds but in a flash it was all gone.

My new friends, the nice professors and even the love of my life; all gone in merely minutes. The hardest thing to do in life is leave someone you love but when you have a situation like mine, it didn't matter how much you love them; family comes first. Always. I think about these things as I pack up the last few months of my life. Those wonderful few months where I thought all would be well and my life was getting where I wanted it to be. I had everything I could ever want, a college education I was working hard for, new friends who actually gave a shit about me and Dimitri.

I had it all, all the things I use to think would never happen had happened and with just a phone call; they were gone.

_'Shes been missing for three days now... I've been waiting to give her the benefit of the doubt but I don't know, Rose, I can't wait any longer... Meredith won't stop asking for her and she hasn't been sleeping well... I can't take care of her like this...'_

The words sound off like a broken record in my head. It makes me even more sad and angry that this was happening. That the little taste of a life I had only dreamed about was now over and I had no way to hold onto it any longer. If I had a superpower I would want to control time. So I could stretch these last few months out as long as possible. I could drag them on and dwell in the good moments I know now, were the last ones I was ever going to get.

_'You have to come back and find your mother, take care of Meredith, she needs you.'_

She would always need me now because I think it's time I did something that I should've done a long time ago.

When you give someone a second chance, you better make sure it's worth it. You better make sure you know, for a fact, that they really want another shot at whatever it is your offering them. If it was a chance to help themselves out, a chance to make money or even a chance to change their life in order to stay in their daughters. A second chance should not be wasted, not by anything and not by anyone.

However, once it's gone, it's gone and there is absolutely no taking it back after that. There's no more chances, no third or fourth and don't even think about a fifth. If you were selfish enough to take my kindness for weakness and think I would ever even consider listening to you beg for another shot, well, you were wrong. So very wrong. And that's exactly what had happen. Where it leaves me now is somewhere I honestly thought I would never be back at. Silly me, I guess, to think my mother really wanted the chance to make things right.

'Hey...'

That voice, that voice that brings out that light within me and comforts me whole again. It's a dim light now considering everything that's been happening lately, but it's still something. 'Hi.'

I turn around slightly to face him as he steps through the open door of my dorm room and slowly makes his way to sit on my bed. The tension is full blast and the quiet between us now a heavy blanket smothering us both. I never in a million years thought any silence between us would ever be so full of tension.

'I didn't think you were going to come...'

My voice sounds shaky with uncertainty. Not after everything that had happen and my meltdown two days ago. He had no obligation to be here, no matter how we felt about each other, he didn't need to be here but he obviously wanted to. Some small hope I could hold on to maybe.

'I wasn't sure I should but I wanted to see you.' I don't know whether that makes me happy or sad, or maybe both.

It was awful to think this is where we stood now. I mean it was just a month ago that you couldn't separate us for anything. A month ago before the train wreck of my mother and my once old life crashed into us. And it making us realize that maybe we couldn't fix it this time. A month ago and my life was perfect, happy even.

He sighs and looks around my room, sitting on the bed a good few spaces away from me. I stand and resume packing as the cab was going to be here in about twenty minutes. I hate this, I hate this distance keeping us apart and the tension built like a wall keeping him from holding me, when that's all I really wanted right now. All I'll ever want period. I try to keep my eyes on the task of folding clothes into my duffle bag but it's hard when all I want to do is look at him for as long as I possibly can. I wanted to have the last sight of him carved into my brain so I'd never forget what he's brought into my life. Or how much I love him and will always love him.

'Roza, I'm sorry all of this is happening to you right now and that I haven't been much help...'

This small soft spoken sentence snaps my eyes right to him and I forget to keep my distance any longer. 'What are you talking about, you've been nothing but a huge help to me.' He finally meets my eyes and the second he does, I can't breathe, I can't even think.

In those eyes he wore his heart and like always I read them like a book. His eyes told me everything, how much he loved me and how much he adored me. Now they're telling me something that I can't quite understand and I honestly hate that he's thinking this. 'Dimitri, none of this is your fault. It's just bad timing, an unfortunate circumstance… but I'm dealing with it the best I can. It isn't your fault, you have to know that...'

He only nods his head once and with his eyes to the floor and his hands hanging from his knees. I know whatever I'd just said didn't change his mind. It hurts me, it makes my heart sting that we were once able to talk about anything and everything, and there would never be space between us. We were always touching, always close whenever we talked or were around each other. There were times he couldn't keep his hands off of me and now, now I was aching for him. I hated the distance. I hated the events of these last few weeks and I hated my mother.

I knew that now, I truly did. It was awful to say you hated someone, especially if it's the person who brought you into this world but how else was I supposed to feel?

In a way she did this to me, to us. She cost me a chance at my own life, which if I'm honest I didn't think I'd ever get, but she has also cost me Dimitri. I had always promised myself I wouldn't let her take him from me.

I sigh as I zip up my bag; lay it down next to all my other luggage and sit a few feet away from him on the bed. I really hated the space, it could go fuck itself for all I care but he needed it. He needed to be away from me at the moment. It's quiet at first and the silence just fills up to the brim making it hard to breathe right. I don't know if he feels it too but I feel it all over, taking my body hostage. I just wanted him to touch me; it didn't even have to be on purpose just as long as he touched me somewhere, somehow. I would be fine, except the accidental brush of our skin doesn't occur and the silence just lingers.

'Is this really how it's going to end between us, Roza?' He asks after a moment.

That question is full of so many possibilities it's ridiculous. But I knew what he meant and I didn't have an answer for him. I think that's what set off all the tears. 'I don't know...'

And I didn't, I didn't know anything now it felt like. All I knew was that I had to get home to Meredith and find my mother. All I knew was that I could never come back to school, to my new friends and Sydney. I couldn't come back to _him_. And Dimitri's life had spanned with so much potential recently.

With desperation clear in his deep brown eyes, he turns to me and mine just fill with tears all over again. 'This can't be it, Roza, it can't be!'

He finally touches me, taking my hands in his warm ones he grips them firmly and squeezes with so much hope I almost lose my already faltering emotions. 'We can make it work! We have before, when I was here and you were home, remember? We can do that again, we can go back and start over! Start slow-'

'Things are different now, Dimitri, _everything_ is different now.'

As much as I hated disappointing him, I can't even count on both hands how many times I've done it lately. 'It isn't the same as it was then. I have a responsibility now and it's one I have to carry on my own.'

The hopeful gleam in his eyes dims quickly but I catch it none the less and it tears me apart inside. I had never intended to hurt him or break his heart, but things happen. And as much as I never saw myself ever telling them there was no way we couldn't be together, it was something I had to do. I hated it and myself so much right now. 'How can you say things are different, there just the same as they were then!'

I'm already shaking my head no before he even finishes talking. He sighs frustratingly at my action. 'Its not the same, it's far from it actually and you know that.' I grip his hands now and get him to look at me, even with all that despair in his eyes. 'Im not coming to school after a few months to meet you this time. This is it for me. I have to take care of Meredith and you-you have a life here now... I'm not going to stand in the way of that, Dimitri, I refuse.'

The disappointment just grows and grows with him; soon his hands are not clutching mine anymore and are folded in his lap. I _really_ hated this; I hated hurting him by telling him I was not only leaving school behind but him as well. But it was something I _had_ to do, I didn't want to but I had to and that's where this makes me angry all over again with my mother. It makes me hate myself so much because right after we thought everything had worked itself out, this happens and I have no control over it this time. And he knew it; he knew I was doing what was right. What I had to do even if it did rip us apart. I hated hurting him, he didn't deserve it but there was no other way.

He doesn't look at me but the despair in his voice strikes me just as hard. 'What good is a life if it's not with you?'

Then he just had to go and make me fall in love with him all over again. Without thinking about it or even knowing I was going to do it, I reach for his face and bring his eyes to mine. Our foreheads touching lightly, there's still a small sliver of hope in his eyes and I hate to crush it but how else were we to make this work?

Another reason I hated distance, there would be too much of it between us now. Not only would the miles from here to back home but time would distance us as well. He had school and everything that came with it, I had Meredith. I had to find a job now and make sure I kept us surviving. I also had to find my mother and that in itself was looking like a mission impossible. Although starting over and trying to work it out sounded great and something that I wanted to do more than anything. It is what it is though and we both knew it.

In fact I had a feeling this was coming because of everything that happen leading up to this. It was only a matter of time and I shouldn't even have bothered to even think I could do this. I should've just stayed home since I'm going back anyway, coming here was irrelevant. 'Im sorry for everything. I'm so sorry, Dimitri, but this is my life now. This was my life before, I just thought for some stupid reason it didn't have to be.'

He shakes his head no and grabs my wrist, leaning into it lovingly. 'Roza, don't think that way, you did what you could. That's all you can ask for. I just-I just don't know what else to do...' _You and me both._

After a tired sigh and an unsure battle within myself, I lightly kiss his nose and watch as his eyes swirl with emotion. Sniffling back all the sobs I want to release, I say the words we both don't want to hear. 'Theres nothing else_ to_ do.'

But let me go.

I didn't say that last part but I don't think I had to. I was hoping for a time where we could be together but nothing in the near future looked like there was a chance for that. We were both on different paths in life now and as much as I loved him and wanted him with me, there were things we both had to figure out. We just couldn't do it together this time.

A honk sounds outside the dormitory, I was on the first floor which was great because all my classes were upstairs in buildings spread across the whole campus, not that that matters anymore. I stand the same time he does and we both glance out the window to spot the cab I had called this morning. This was truly it, the last time I would be with him for who knows how long, maybe even ever.

Once outside, Dimitri helps me pack all my bags in the trunk of the cab. With a last glance to the dorm building, I see Sydney and Ivan walking toward us from the door. Who knew I would come to college and become good friends with a girl from a small town where she was home schooled. But she was one of my best friends here and we promised to keep in touch.

'It sucks that you're leaving, Rose, but I can't say I'll miss you... because I won't.' Ivan always has to joke at the most inappropriate of times.

I smile sadly and hug him anyway; he was a good friend to Dimitri and me both. Yes, even though he tended to get on my nerves at times. Sydney's already crying when she rushes to me, squeezing me tightly, she mumbles into my shoulder and I almost lose myself again. 'I can't believe this, Rose, your leaving me here with stupid Ivan, and stupid boys and a stupid lonely dorm room!' I laugh a little as she goes off, already missing my best friend.

I squeeze her to me once before we break apart and smile. 'Hey, it's okay; you got Dimitri to handle Ivan. I'm sure you'll be fine without me trying to get you into all those slutty clothes and dragging you to all those deranged sex parties.'

We both laugh at the memories. 'Hey, if you hadn't I'd still be some bookworm stuck in my room or trying to save you with all my Jesus loves you hoopla.'

We laugh again and I admire how much Sydney's changed since meeting her on that first day of school. She's come a long way from the quiet shy girl she used to be, and I had some to do with that. With helping her become her own person and not living by anyone else's rules but her own. We had become great friends over the months and if it wasn't for her, I most likely would have lost my mind a long time ago.

And she was a great roommate. Another hug and I'll miss you and Sydney with Ivan goes off back to the dorm building.

A sad sullen wind flows through the moment. This was it, the hardest goodbye I will ever have to say. Dimity stood with his arms folded against the back door of the cab. I turned and watched as his eyes slowly worked their way up to mine, and that was it.

That was the last straw; I couldn't hold it together anymore. As I rushed into his arms, the tears fell and I cried silently into his strong chest. He just held me, kept me to his warm body and mumbled things in Russian as I nearly squeezed the life out of him. I couldn't get out the words I wanted to say with all the crying right, but I got them out none the less. All broken and painful as they were.

'I don't want to leave... I don't want to lose you.'

He sighed all broken and tucked my head under his chin, just like he does when we'd fall asleep together. He takes a deep breath before replying, 'You'll never lose me, Roza. I will always be here for you, I promised.'

And it was the truth.

He had always been there for me, even though lately there were a few times he couldn't but I understood why that was. And honestly, I never held those times against him. I just couldn't drop the feeling that eventually I would lose him.

And even though he says I wouldn't, I think I just have.

**So should I go on with a sequel or leave it be?**


	2. Chapter 2

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 2:** This is a foreground.

**...First Day of School...**

_'And that's the student center...'_

_'You can study if you need to in there. It's also sort of a hang out, the food taste a little dry and it always smells like coffee but the hot chocolate is great.' He smiles at me before squeezing my hand in his warm one._

_'Oh and for good donuts, there's this little shop on the other side of campus. It's behind the football field, kind of far from the classrooms but the donuts are worth it.' I shake my head at him and continue to let him drag me all over the campus for my private tour._

_I think he was more excited than me now that this day had finally arrived. Dimitri had driven me up to school this morning and since then has been dragging me around campus showing me where everything was. I was tired and wanted to go unpack my things in my dorm room but the excitement on his face when he asked to show me around was something I couldn't resist._

_'And the gym is there, in front of it they've got all this sidewalk and the handicap ramp is pretty sweet to skate. There's another spot to skate over by my dorm building, the curb goes all the way around the parking lot... I fell a couple of times trying to grind on it but I'm going to get it eventually.' I roll my eyes at him and smile keeping our hands entwined together as we continue walking._

_This campus was pretty huge and a little intimidating I must admit. However, being here with Dimitri I had no worries of getting used to everything and fitting in. The few people he had introduced me to seemed really nice and some of the upper classmen were really helpful so far.__This wasn't like high school, I knew that for sure. This was where a reputation didn't make you, you made yourself and the person you wanted to be._

_Everyone was friends here or so it had seemed, but I was sure my time here was going to be quite the experience. And I was ready for it.__It was hard to leave home this morning, mostly because Meredith would be back there without me. In the morning she was the first one awake and came to my room with toast and orange juice telling me to leave already. I'm sure she did it to show me that everything would be okay while I was gone. I, however, was a little unsure of leaving at all._

_My mother was home now and still keeping her word of being sober. I still had insecurities about that whole issue though. I still hadn't been able to completely forgive her for everything that happened before and it was driving this even bigger wedge between us. I had tried, many times, to get myself to forgive and move on from the past. But for some reason I couldn't do it.__I wanted to, I wanted to try and have a better relationship with my mother but there was something there that was blocking me from letting her in fully._

_For example, the dinner Olena had made for me the night before I left and how she told me to invite my mother and bring Meredith. I had brought Meredith but I didn't tell my mother anything about it._

_I was so unsure of what would happen if she had gone. I didn't want her to feel like she didn't fit in and I wasn't trying to be mean or anything, but I just couldn't let her into my life yet. It didn't feel... right, I guess. Something was holding me back.__There was always something missing when it came to Janine and me. Something in the way but I didn't know what it was, why it was. Meredith had no problem sharing her life with Janine; she told her everything and anything. They had gotten a lot closer since she came home and cleaned up. The thing was I knew they both wanted me to accept her as well, but that was the thing; something wouldn't let me._

_'Roza?' I snap out of my thoughts and find Dimitri's kind eyes meeting mine. 'We near your dorm, did you want to get settled in or keep our private tour going?'_

_His smile reaches his eyes and unconsciously I reach up to lightly touch his face. He leans into my hand cupping his cheek and his eyes say everything without him having to mutter one word.__'I really missed you, Comrade.' He pulls me closer into him._

_It had been a while since we got any time to ourselves and since preparing for school was keeping me busy lately, I wanted nothing more than to spend whatever free time I had with him. 'I'm so glad your finally here, Roza, that we're doing this together.'_

_I smile at him before he leans down and kisses me in the middle of the student filled quad like no else was there. And in that small moment, no one was, it was just me and him like it had always felt when he kissed me. He leans his forehead on mine and even though my eyes are still closed from the high of the kiss, I knew those deep brown eyes were carefully taking me in.__Like we both couldn't believe we were actually here, finally able to be together with nothing in the way. No alcoholic mom to ruin our dates and no having to take Meredith along. I didn't mind taking her with me and neither did Dimitri but every once in a while it felt good to just be by ourselves, however selfish that made me._

_We needed our time too._

_He leans in for another kiss and just as our lips are about to meet, a deep voiced yell interrupts our moment. 'Hey, Belikov!' Dimitri sighs as I pull back and drops his chin to his chest tiredly. 'Ivonne, what do you want now?'_

_A guy almost as tall as Dimitri comes walking up to us from the quad. He had blonde hair and was kind of lanky skinny but the sleeveless white shirt he wore showed he had some muscles. He rolled his eyes at Dimitri before coming to a stop and then proceeding to look me up and down in not so subtle interest._

_'I told you not to call me that, it's Ivan! Showing off your Russian skills in front of the ladies will get you nowhere my friend. So, who's the babe? She a freshman?' Without looking once at Dimitri, Ivan says that whole thing still checking me out._

_Dimitri smiles apologetically at me before wrapping his arm across my shoulders and I automatically lean into him. 'This is my girlfriend, Rose. Roza, this is Ivan, my roommate, unfortunately.' I smile kindly and stick my hand out for him to shake.__He doesn't, instead he grabs my hand and brings it to his lips to kiss my knuckles. I pull my hand away gently as Ivan smirks smugly and throws to an unimpressed Dimitri._

_'As you can see, Ivan likes to make big first impressions, especially ones on pretty girls. If you can't keep your lips along with your eyes to yourself, I'd be happy to remind you very painfully how...'_

_Ivan smiles widely to Dimitri while I take both of them in. It was clear they were bantering friendly, I had heard a lot about Ivan while Dimitri was at school without me. Dimitri was certain Ivan was the biggest man whore on campus, always with a girl almost every night but it was never the same one. I sometimes got to hear them banter back and forth about it on the phone and would laugh, Ivan was a funny guy and he was a good friend to Dimitri._

_They were complete opposites, with Ivan barely passing classes but having the social life of a celebrity. And Dimitri aced everything he took last semester but he had made a lot more friends than he had back in high school, and I was certain it was Ivan's doing. He was living the full college experience and he seemed way happier since Christian and Jill were both in California._

_'So you're the famous, Rose, huh?' Ivan's words surprise me._

_'Famous?' I give them both a questioning look and Ivan just smiles teasingly at Dimitri before answering._

_'Yeah! This guy, all he does is read crappy cowboy books and talk about you. Oh, my little Roza, she's so beautiful. She's my everything. Oh, my Roza, I love you so much blah blah blah!' I laugh a little at his horrible fake Russian accent and Dimitri just shakes his head._

_'Is that supposed to be my accent? It sounded French, I'm Russian, Ivan, you remember?' Ivan just shrugs it off and laughs._ _'I'll work on it later. Anyway, it's finally nice to meet you, Rose. I've heard a lot about you.' I nod and give Dimitri my own teasing look._

_'All good things I hope?' Ivan smiles at me and then looks to Dimitri before continuing._

_'Oh, yeah, great things in fact. I mean, it's just when I say a lot, I mean a lot, like a lot a lot. Like I'll wake up and throw a good morning Dimitri out there and he's just like; oh, I love Roza! It's pathetic actually.' He smiles toward Dimitri again and all Dimitri just rolled his eyes._

_I laugh it off and welcome the friendship they have. It was good and they had no problem teasing each other which I liked. An easy friendship, which I'm happy Dimitri made.__'Anyway, you guys coming to the party tonight, right? Dimitri, I know you won't miss this one, you party animal, you! C'mon, bring Rose, introduce her to everybody, it'll be fun!'_

_I give Dimitri a look and he shrugs when our eyes meet. I nod back and then he and Ivan do the manly handshake thing before he answers. 'Yeah, I guess, we'll be there.'_

_Ivan laughs a little baffled at our silent conversation and then shakes my hand before running off to some girl who called him. 'He was nice, and funny, a little weird with flirting but he seems okay.'__Dimitri laughs and shakes his head while glancing back to where Ivan ran off to. 'Yeah, he's a good guy but he could be a bit much at times.'_

_'Or you just really miss Christian...' He laughs and squeezes me closer to him as we walk to my dorm building._

**...**

_'Do you think Ivan will be mad that we skipped the party?'_

_In the silent dark and really small dorm room, we both lay somehow in Dimitri's twin bed. He laughs contently and hugs me to his warm naked body before answering. 'I'm sure I'll catch some kind of heat over this but it was totally worth it.'_

_We laugh and lay together in the quiet room. Ivan usually stayed out all night, sleeping at whatever girl he was with that night's room or so I've heard. So Dimitri and I decided to skip the party altogether and enjoy our first night together at school in his empty room. I didn't mind the idea, if Ivan stayed out like this often, then I wouldn't be stuck in my dorm listening to my roommate Sydney's gospel music. I'd be here instead because this was the one place I wanted to be more than anything; with him._

_'So, freshman, how did you like your first day on campus?'_

_I laugh and smack his shoulder as he holds me tightly. His chuckle is deep and rumbles through our bodies sending vibrating currents through my skin. I loved when we were like this, when after we had sex we would just lie together and bask in the warmth of the moment.__'Are you going to call me that all the time now, Comrade? You know, you're still a freshman too!'_

_He squeezes me tighter to his body and tangles his fingers in my hair. 'You know, it was actually nothing like I expected.'_

_'Yeah, why is that?' I shrug and look up from his chest to face him._

_I snuggle myself deeper into his warmth. 'I don't know... I mean, I didn't think I'd get the chance to actually go to college in the first place and now that I'm here, it's just... weird. Surreal.'_

_'In a good way or a bad way?' I lay my chin on his chest and smile at him. 'A good way, definitely a good way.' He smiles back down to me before leaning in and meeting our lips in a soft kiss._

_'Well, I for one am glad you're here. I missed you terribly, Roza, you have no idea.' Oh, I had an idea alright._

_'I missed you too. I missed you so much. It was hard, you know, with my mom and everything she had going on... And then Meredith adapting to all that and me leaving. Just got caught up in everything and couldn't make a whole lot of time for us...' He shrugs and pulls me to lay my head back down on his chest._

_'Well, now we get to make time for us. I know we have classes and homework, and all these other things to get used to but I promise there will be more time for us. I'll make sure of it; I'll do whatever it takes, Roza. I promise.' I nod somehow tucked into him and he kisses my hair before we fall asleep in his bed for the first time of many nights._

**...Present Day...**

I wanted to call him.

I wanted to reach the few short inches from my bed to my nightstand, pick up the phone and call him. I missed him. I missed him a lot and sleep didn't look like it was coming any time soon.

So reliving the first day I arrived at school seemed like the wise thing to do, since I couldn't get Dimitri out of my mind. It seemed like a good idea at the time but now I wanted him. I wanted to be near him and hold his hand. I wanted to hear his voice tell me goodnight and that he loves me. I wanted to wake up in his small twin bed and catch him watching me sleep as he waited for me to wake up.

I _really _wanted to call him right now, but I knew that I couldn't. It wasn't a wise idea which let's face it, I wasn't having too many of those at the moment. I couldn't give in to my wants, even though I wanted him more than anything. We had to work out our issues on our own and when we did, we would work on us. It's sucks really hard but that's the only way I saw anything happening.

The things that changed and space that grew between me and Dimitri had affected us both greatly.

There were things he needed to figure out while I had to deal with my mother. I could only hope the space between him and I now, wouldn't get any bigger. I would hate for that to happen but he needed to figure out what he wanted. What he really truly wanted in his life and if I wasn't it then I would deal. It would suck terribly because I knew what I wanted; I just couldn't have it right now.

Those thoughts just make the want to call him deepen even more. I had to hold back, I didn't need to pile onto my already full plate. And he needed time. He needed to think about what happen and how to get his head back together. I needed time as well, for different reason but it was still all the same. If Sydney was right, time would heal all wounds. I just hoped mine weren't too deep to heal.

I tossed and turn into the night, not catching one ounce of sleep what so ever. And when I finally did fall asleep, I was awoken ten minutes later when my alarm clock went off.

I had wanted to get started early on cleaning the house before bringing Meredith back home. Alberta understood and kept her for one last night, so I got up at the ass crack of dawn and started cleaning. The kitchen had been cleaned and mopped, the trash tossed out and that's when I noticed there were beer bottles inside of the recycling can. Well, at least she was being green.

There were bottles of every kind of drink you could think of and I had to wonder just how long ago she had begun drinking again. I mean, was she doing it after I left for school or was she sneaking them around while I was still here? I guess I'd find out when I saw her again, looking forward to that.

'Rose?'

Alberta's soft voice snaps me out of my stare down with the trash can and I meet her at the old wooden fence that separates our yards. 'How late did you get in last night?'

I shrug and wonder what time it was now. The sun was out but not too bright and I knew Alberta was an early riser. 'It was after ten, I hope Meredith wasn't up waiting for me...' She shakes her head no and leans on the gate before spotting the yellow cleaning gloves I was wearing.

'Well, she was at first but she finally knocked out after I told her I would wake her when you got here. I'm surprised she fell asleep at all; she was so excited after you called. I didn't think it would help her lack of sleep already.'

'Well, that's good then. I can take her to school today; try to get her back on a routine.' Alberta nods and then glances back to her open patio door before looking back to me.

The expression on her face was a serious one and for a moment I was a little afraid she had more bad news. Great, just what I needed right now. 'I was wondering if you would come over after you take her to school. We can brainstorm and discuss where to start looking...' At first, I didn't know what she was talking about but then she had reminded me and I have to admit, I felt kind of bad afterward. 'For your mother...'

I shake out of the daze of her question and nod a yes. Then that feeling sinks into me. Did Alberta think badly of me for forgetting what she was talking about? Forgetting I had to find my mother? Or did she not even hold it against me? I didn't know but the look she gave me when she asked didn't seem like she was questioning me.

So I took it and tried to hide my uncaring feelings for finding my mother. 'Yeah, sure, sorry I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I'm a little out of it this morning.' I laugh it off.

I was hoping she bought my excuse but the polite smile she gave me didn't tell me anything. She was good at not giving away emotions, it sucked since I wanted know what she thought about this whole situation but was too scared of what she would think of me. 'Well, when you return just come on over and we'll start from the few places she used to go. There has to be someone who knows something... And I- I don't want you to worry, Rose, we'll find her.'

She seemed so determined and sure when she said that. The thing was I didn't want her to promise me anything. I wasn't entirely sure I _wanted_ to find my mother at all. I was too angry and disappointed in Janine to be around her at the moment. The only thing I wanted right now was back at school and I wasn't so sure where he and I stood anymore.

'Alberta?' She waited patiently for me to continue. 'Meredith, was she okay? When my mo-Janine brought her over, the night she left, was she okay?' Alberta nods before catching my eyes and I knew whatever she was going to say would piss me off.

'She was okay but I think it was when Janine didn't come back that Meredith got worried. She didn't say much or do much; she just wanted to know when your mother was coming back. I couldn't answer, I wasn't sure myself. So I thought I'd wait and when she didn't return at all, well, that's when I called you.' I nod and turn back to go inside but Alberta's call stops me.

I turn and wait for her to say whatever it was she wanted to say. I wasn't so sure I wanted to hear it but how much more mad could I get? 'I'm really sorry you had to leave school... I know you were happy to be there.'

I nod once again and turn back to head inside. Alberta didn't know the half of it, but I didn't want her apologizing for something she couldn't control. For something my mother did, it wasn't Alberta's fault; she was just doing what she thought she had to.

**...**

'Roses!'

Meredith races down the stairs in Alberta's living room and slams herself right into me. I almost fall back but catch myself and squeeze her little guts to me. If there was any reason to be happy for being back home, it was right here hugging me to death.

'Hey, Mer bear...' There was more I wanted to say, like how much I've missed her and that everything would be okay. But when she tightened her grip on my neck and held on, I found myself too chocked up to talk.

We didn't let go for a while, we just stood there, at the bottom of the staircase and hugged tightly. I spotted Alberta watching us from the doorway of her kitchen as I tried to blink away my tears. Everything must have hit me at that moment because it was very hard to not cry. In the comfort of my little sister's arms, I was seconds away from falling apart but it was like Meredith knew, and so she let me go.

Our eyes didn't meet after, her turning around to get her backpack from the couch. I used the time to swallow the huge lump I'm my throat and blink back my betraying tears. As soon as we came face to face though when Meredith was all ready to go, I caught the redness gloss of her eyes. Like me, Meredith was trying not to cry in front of Alberta or maybe she was trying to be strong. I didn't know and didn't care, I was just happy she wasn't alone anymore.

'Ms. Petrov says that I get to go back home tonight, that you're gonna stay with me?' I nod a yes as we hold hands while we walk to school. 'And when mom gets back home, will you go back to school?'

That was a loaded question and I wasn't quite prepared for it but Meredith didn't know any better. I try to find an answer to tell her but everything that comes to mind, I don't think she would understand. So instead, I change the subject and hope for the best.

'So, kiddo how's school?' Meredith gives me an odd expression for not answering her but she answers me anyway.

'It's okay, I only missed one day because Ms. Petrov says school is important and mommy wouldn't want me to miss it. I've missed some days before when mommy was home sick, so I don't see the big deal.'

'Oh, yeah, when was that?' I try not to let her know I'm fishing for information but I so was.

'A couple of times, mommy wasn't feeling good so I got to stay home and eat pizza.' As excited as Meredith was to share that piece of information with me, I was starting to pile up all the clues.

The bottles in the recycling can, the mess the house was left in, the sudden abandonment of her daughters and now she was sick and letting Meredith skip school? I didn't know when exactly Janine had stated drinking again but I knew it was soon after I left. And that revelation just made everything worse. When I was home Meredith wasn't allowed to skip school unless she was sick. There were times she tried to fool me into letting her stay home but Janine would catch on and Mer would leave for school irritated.

As we continue to walk to school Meredith doesn't talk about our mother anymore and I don't ask. I didn't want to taint today with the drama of our life. I wanted Meredith to get back to that worry free six year old girl she was just a few weeks ago. When our life was going the complete opposite of the way it is now.

Once we got to school, I told Meredith I would be picking her up. There were a few other things I wanted to say but I debated with myself if it was the right time to say them. Of course, with my baby sister being as perceptive as she was, I didn't have to decide anything because Meredith did it for me.

'Are you gonna go get mom, Roses? Is that why your home now?'

There was worry in her bright blue eyes and for a second I thought not to answer her and change the subject again, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't put her through any more trouble, she had had enough.

I hesitate but pull her close to me and smile kindly. 'Mer, I want you to know that I love you and I'll never let anything happen to you, _ever_, okay?' She nods and waits for me to continue. 'And I don't want you to worry about mom anymore, okay? That's not your problem; I'm going to take care of you now, okay?'

She nods once again and then her eyes water as she takes in my words. I pull her to me and we hug once again right outside the classroom. She holds on tight, I can hear her breaths as she tries to grasp some kind of control over her emotions and the sound disturbs me.

Once we pull back, she sniffles and we wipe her eyes from the fallen tears. 'I'll be right here after school, okay?' She nods one last time and then heads into class. I watch her meet up with some friends and hope today would be the day she gets some kind of life back.

**...**

'So, I was thinking we could start at the bars outside of town. I know for a fact she used to hang out there before, maybe someone knows where she is and can help us out...'

I don't look at Alberta as she pours herself a cup of coffee and speaks. I wasn't trying to be rude; I was just conflicted about whether or not I actually wanted to find my mother. Yes, I wanted answers as to why she took off for almost four days and left Meredith with the neighbor but at what cost?

What reason could she give that would excuse her for abandoning Meredith like that?

There were all those questions that needed answers and reasons to understand why she did it. And then there was the part of me that didn't care for them or her.

The part that said to hell with Janine and her shitty abandonment. Her fucked up logic and alcoholic issues! I didn't need them and neither did Meredith. Why should I give a flying fuck about where that woman took off to?

Why should I care about her if she didn't care about us?

I was back and forth on it since finding out she left. I didn't know if I could handle finding her drunk off her ass somewhere or with some other asshole who tempted her and she gave into. I was afraid id explode right there wherever it was I'd found her. Or worse, what if I found her dead? What was I supposed to tell Meredith if that we the case?

What was I going to do if I did find her, face down somewhere, not breathing and just some lifeless body?

It was my biggest fear and the thought that it could actually come true had solved my conflict easily. I knew what I had to do now but I wasn't too happy about doing it. In fact I hated the thought that I had let her get to me. I hated how my conscious wouldn't just let her go and that I had to have a heart and make sure she was okay. But I had to do it and if not for me, than I'd do it for Mer.

For Mer, that's what I told myself was the reason why I had to find her.

A clear of my throat causes Alberta's eyes to meet mine and hesitantly, I help. 'Um, there's a place by the airport she used to go to... I could check it out and see what I find.'

Alberta just nods and sips her coffee. 'I'll go with you, just in case-'

'You don't have to do this, Alberta; it's not your responsibility. I mean, don't get me wrong, Meredith and I are thankful for all you've done but this is _my_ mess. It's my job to take care of all this; you shouldn't waste your time with it, _with her_.' Alberta doesn't say anything.

She just finishes her coffee and then places the cup into the sink before sitting next to me at the kitchen table. I can see the pity in her eyes from a mile away and it makes my eyes sink to the table. I hated pity and I hated when people, people I considered friends, gave it to me. I didn't want that from her or anybody. I just wanted them to understand that I don't hurt over Janine and I don't want anyone to think that I'm some lost little girl looking for my drunken mommy.

That wasn't my case and it never would be. I wouldn't let myself get like that anymore, not since I was a little girl have I ever felt that way toward Janine. I wasn't going to start that again now.

Alberta slowly reaches across the table and holds my hands in hers. Her skin was rough, like old leather from years of hard work and nurturing. She smiled sadly and the pity in her eyes grew, nearly making me want to snap at her for it but I held back. 'Rose, your mother and I used to be such great friends. We were so close at times and I always considered you girl's part of my family. I _want_ to help, Rose. I want to be there for you and Meredith... I want to so you don't have to take all this on your own.'

I sigh frustrated. 'But you don't have to, Alberta. I'm thankful that you feel this way but my mother... she doesn't deserve this, not from you. Not even from me or anyone else for that matter.'

It's quiet while Alberta ponders over my words but when she looks at me, I know for a fact that she wasn't going to give up. I wish my mother would've had this same determination. 'Rose, sometimes people get lost and it's up to the people around them to help find their way. Your mother, she was lost but then you helped her find a way and now-'

'Now, what? She got lost again?' Alberta doesn't say anything but I don't exactly give her time to. 'She left this time, Alberta; she chose to become lost, to _get_ lost. If I couldn't help her the first time then what's the point of even looking for her now?'

It was clear that Alberta had seen the anger I was harboring around for my mother but she didn't call me on it. She had found it and seen it shine, but she didn't judge me for it. She understood it and that alone left me a tad more relived from the boiling pot that was bound to explode.

Alberta squeezes my hands in hers and let's out a small sad smile. 'I'm not doing this for her, Rose; I'm doing it for you and Meredith_._ I told you, you girls, you're part of my family... and I take care of my family.'

Too bad my mother didn't. Too bad Meredith and I weren't Alberta's daughters.

**So sorry if this chapter is not great, just got back from vacation with the fam and it was a little hard to get my head back into the story. Also updates will most likely be once a week, I got a lot going on at the moment but I hoped you enjoyed.**


	3. Chapter 3

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 3: **In the wake of your tide.

'Well, thank you anyway, Alberta, for trying... and taking care of Meredith... and everything else you've done for me.'

Alberta nods and smiles at me before I open the door and leave her car. She had to work now and we didn't find Janine since looking for her this morning. We did find her car, however, parked at a very questionable old motel but it was empty and the clerk said she had checked out the following morning with some guy. The same guy a bouncer at the bar across the street from the motel described. So I knew, officially, that she was with someone and possibly still is. I just didn't know where they went or if they were coming back. And some part of me didn't care either, another part felt bad for Meredith though.

I tried the factory where she had started working after getting out of rehab but they said she was fired a while ago and someone heard she was working at a diner toward the end of town. I had to pick up Meredith though and I didn't feel like dragging Alberta around this wild goose chase any longer. So I thought I'd check it out tomorrow after leaving Mer at school, by myself.

I couldn't believe we had been at this all day and still Janine was nowhere to be found. It pissed me off a little more than I already was but what I could do?

I didn't even really want to keep looking after today. All this had me wanting to do is just give up and call it quits. I had voiced this to Alberta who looked at me in understanding but made me see sense about Meredith's sake. To which I sucked it up and decided I'd just look on my own time. I wouldn't give my mother the satisfaction that she seemed to get out of making me the responsible one.

If she was gone and left no trace then maybe she didn't want to be found, and I was okay with that. Well, I wasn't exactly all for it but if that's what it came down to and I never found her; then I'd leave it alone and just move on. I'd feel sorry for Meredith and I'd make sure she would move on as well, but it would hurt her. We didn't need someone who didn't want to stick around, especially our mother. We would be okay by ourselves and I would make sure of that.

'So, kiddo, what did you learn in school today?'

Meredith and I decide to go to the pizza parlor from school for dinner. She had that calming look in her eyes and I welcomed it because it was a lot better than the tears she had in them this morning. It takes a while for her to answer me but when she does, she had that happy tone in her voice that I realized I missed.

'I learned how to subtract and add. And I also learned that just because the boy, who sits behind me likes to pick his nose, doesn't mean I have to go and tell everybody.' Her answer causes me to laugh a little.

A genuine one which I felt I haven't done in a long time. 'Well, why did you go and tell everybody?'

Meredith turns back from walking in front of me and gives me a disgusted expression. 'Cause it's muhscusting, Roses! He picks his nose and then eats the boogers, ew!'

Another laugh leaves me as she turns back and we continue walking. For a moment there, I see the face of an unworried, joyful Meredith and it brings me happiness. At that moment it was just like old times, her telling me about her day as we walk home from school together, both knowing it didn't matter what we walked into when we got home; we had each other. And although we have that now and always will, it felt like a pick me up at a time where everything in our life seems to be going wrong.

We needed it. We needed moments like this, more so now than ever. The small light hearted moments that would, for a small amount of time, push all the worry and stress away. The moments that would take her away to a happy place where I didn't have to worry if something or someone was hurting her. The moments that when we've had them before, we held on to them because who knew how long they would last. For some strange and odd reason, pizza added to those great moments and we loved pizza.

Meredith stuffs her face of pepperoni and tomato sauce while I watch in wonder of how this tiny kid could eat so much, never mind that I'm on my third slice. 'Roses, I really love pizza!'

I nod and hand her a napkin, 'I can see that.' She smiles and then uses the napkin still missing some sauce on her face.

'Can we have pizza for dinner for the rest of our lives?' I shake my head no and go back to my food. 'Why not, Dimitri would have let me. Is he gonna get mad because we got pizza without him?'

And there goes the happy moment.

I should've known better than to think I could get away with not telling Meredith about the breakup. I didn't want to drag her down any more than we've already been and although it was done, I kind of didn't want face it myself. He had been too important to us to just let him go but I did it because I had to. However, I should've kept in mind that he was altogether possibly ending things with Meredith as well.

I still hadn't called him and I was dying to do so. Yes, he promised to always be there and I knew he would be, but I didn't want him to deter from his own life with my family drama. Another reason I felt I had to end it besides what had happen between us at school. He was in a good place right now and I couldn't take that from him; I wouldn't.

So with a long sigh and the decision to keep that heartbreak away from her, I just shook my head no and went on eating.

Luckily, Meredith had dropped the subject of Dimitri and went back to her pizza. Unluckily, a rather familiar voice stopped me from thinking I got away with keeping it that way. 'Rose?'

The roll of the R as my name was said almost made me cringe. I fight it and win but the look on Meredith's face as she spots Viktoria headed to our table makes me uneasy. I wasn't sure if Viktoria would mention my breakup with her brother in front of Mer and I wasn't sure that if she did, I would be able to handle it. I had missed him so much since being here but I promised time for the both of us and we really needed it.

'Rose, Meredith, how are you guys?' Viktoria smiles widely as Mer jumps from the booth and hugs Viktoria tightly.

'Viktoria, what are you doing here?' I say after we hug and she sits down next to Mer in our booth.

'Just getting a pizza, mama has to work late and I've been busy all day cleaning, so I thought I'd get dinner here. What about you guys, how are you?' That last part of her question was spoken carefully and she looked at me with those soft eyes.

I just shrugged and avoided her gaze as Meredith took over the conversation. Viktoria and Mer could talk for hours, about pretty much anything, so I enjoyed the conversation as it took Mer's attention away from what I didn't want to talk about. Well, at least for a little while it did.

'...and then when Dimitri comes over, I wanted to-' I hadn't been paying full attention to what they were talking about exactly but when those words left my little sisters mouth, it had captured my focus in full.

'Oh, I didn't know he was going to come down here...' Viktoria looked to me baffled and really, I couldn't blame her but how to answer her without giving anything away. 'I mean, mama just talked to him a day ago. He said he had his-'

I cleared my throat and gave a look to Mer hoping Viktoria would catch it. 'He's not. He's not coming down, I don't think...'

Unfortunately, she didn't get the look and Meredith continued. 'But when he does come, I want to have all the ingredients there, so he could make the black bread for us!'

'So he is coming then? I didn't know you guys were talking yet. I mean, he told mama you guys haven't talked since you broke up, so I thought-' At those words, I cringed and hoped and prayed that Meredith didn't catch what Viktoria said.

Once they were out there though, that was it. Meredith's head shot up from the table and her blue wide eyes were set directly on me. 'You broke up with Dimitri?'

The tension was full and the quiet that surrounded the table felt like it was suffocating just about everyone in this place. 'Oh...' Viktoria had finally caught up with what I was trying to avoid and threw me an apologetic glance before looking down to the table.

I swallow thickly and meet Mer's worried glance searching my mind for what to say to her. 'Mer...'

'How come you broke up? What does that mean, Roses, you're not friends anymore?' The look of confusion graced her young face and I felt immediately bad for keeping this from her.

I cleared my throat again and spoke softly. 'Mer, we'll talk about it later okay? When we get back home and-'

'Why did you break up with Dimitri, Roses?' The tension surrounds us again and my eyes move to Viktoria who avoids them quickly with another look to the table. 'You love each other, right? When people love each other don't break up.'

Her voice rings in my ears, she was right although too young to understand it fully. Meredith had unknowingly hit the nail on the on the head with that question but she wouldn't understand. And I wouldn't make her feel like it was somehow her fault when it didn't have anything to do with her.

I sigh trying to get my emotions in check before letting anything out. 'Mer, I know I said that to you and it's true but sometimes-' Meredith glares. 'But you love him! I know you do! He loves us and we love him, that's what you always tell me!' Now she was upset and I didn't want that for her or for that to happen in here of all places.

This was our spot; the three of us had spent many summer nights here before he left for school. And more when he had come back to take me to school with him. 'Mer bear, we'll talk about it when we get home, okay? Now isn't a good time to- Mer!' She sank from her side of the booth and went under the table straight for the games section of the parlor. 'Mer, where are you going? Stay where I can see you, okay? Please...'

It was useless; she just ignored me and went on as if I wasn't even saying anything. 'I'm sorry, Rose; I didn't mean to upset her. I didn't know you hadn't told her anything... I'm really sorry.'

I shake my head at Viktoria's apologies and throw the slice of pizza in my hand to my plate on the table with a sigh. 'No, no, it's fine, Viktoria. It's-she's just having a hard time right now... we both kind of are...'

Viktoria's eyes become full of sorrow and I move mine to find Mer at the skeeball line awaiting her turn. I hated pity and I didn't need it, especially now. 'I'm still sorry, I feel really stupid now.'

Viktoria's uncomfortable laugh draws my eyes back to her and I swallow the emotions threatening to spill back. 'No, don't, it's okay. I'll explain it all to her later. She'll be okay once she's over it. I think...' Viktoria nods quietly before getting that all too familiar look of curiosity on her face.

And I know what's coming as soon as I see it. 'Have you-have you talked to him, lately? You know, about this whole thing?' I shaky my head no and move my eyes back to Meredith.

'Um, no. No, I haven't actually. I mean, I've been wanting to call him but I don't know...' Another sigh leaves me and this one in order to control the emotion in my voice. 'I wanted to but I guess I just want to-'

'To give him some time?' My eyes snap to her familiar brown ones and it was like she read my mind, I nod. 'He told mama the same thing about you.'

A small and I mean small, sigh of relief escapes me. When really as soon as she said that I wanted to cry. It was just like Dimitri, thinking of me and my feelings again. It was like nothing had changed but for a long second there it had. Viktoria takes a breath like it was going to lift up the mood immediately but when she spoke, the mood shifted right back to that awkward tension. 'Hey, you guys should come to dinner tomorrow...'

My eyes snap to hers and I'm sure my expression asked what my mouth couldn't conjure up for her. She smiles politely before continuing. 'My older sisters are visiting from Russia this week and mama would want to see you... You and Meredith both, you know she considers you girl's family with or without Dimka...'

Just the sound of the nickname they call him makes up my mind. 'Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea, I mean-'

Viktoria shakes her head, 'Oh, no, it's okay! She knows you and Dimitri broke up mutually. I mean, he told her everything that happen and why you had to come back, so... It's not a big deal, Rose, you guys should come.'

At my not convinced expression, she leans over the tabletop and grabs my hand gently before explaining. 'Don't worry, we don't blame either of you or anything like that. It's not like mama is going to hate you or anything and my sisters want to meet you and Meredith, Mama likes to brag sometimes. We understand what you had to do but that doesn't mean we don't consider you guy's family, you know mama loves you both. So what do you say, tomorrow, at seven?'

Her hopeful eyes suck me in but I was still unsure. I knew Dimitri wouldn't be there, he had a lot going on at school and he was working hard for an early internship this semester. So I wasn't worried about that, so much. 'I don't-I don't know, Viktoria, it's going to be-'

'I wanna go!' Meredith shouts from the side of the table and I didn't even hear her come back. 'Mer-'

'I wanna go, please!' I was just about to shoot her down but the screaming hopeful look in her eyes gets me. 'Please, Roses, I wanna see Olena!'

And that was that. I owed her that much at least, since I had lied to her. 'Okay. Okay, we'll go, we'll be there.'

Viktoria smiles to both me and Mer and then rises from the table to leave. 'Well, great then, I will let mama know and see you guys tomorrow. I'm going to get out of your hair now.' And with another apologetic smile, Viktoria is off getting her pizza and then out the doors.

**...**

'So you're still mad at me, huh?' Meredith just nods and continues eating her ice cream cone I tried to buy her forgiveness with.

I sigh at the silent treatment I've been getting since Viktoria left our table at the pizza parlor. Even after agreeing to an awkward dinner for her, Meredith was still upset that I didn't tell her about me and Dimitri. God, I missed him so much and I could really use his Zen lessons right now.

'So when do you think you'll be over this and not be mad at me anymore?' Mer shrugs and then opens the gate to our yard stopping in front of me and almost making me drop our leftovers.

'Mer?' I look to where she was staring to and come eye to eye with a man I had never seen before. 'Hello, can I help you with something?'

He stands from sitting on the porch steps and Meredith moves to stand behind me. He's tall, extremely tall and looks like he could kick the crap out of anyone. His eyes meet mine as he walks toward us and fear rises in my chest. He stops about a foot in front of me and then smiles politely. As if that was going to calm my nerves down or something.

He sticks his hand out for me to shake but I just continue to look at him skeptically. He laughs through his nose and then detracts his hand. 'I'm sorry; I didn't mean to scare you or anything. I was just looking for Janine's daughter. It's you, right?'

Meredith's grip on my thigh tightens and I nod hesitantly. I didn't know him nor have I ever met him but he knew my mother and I guess me. The question now was; is he trouble or help? I watch him carefully, 'Um, yeah, I'm her daughter. Do you need something from her or... ?'

He picks up on my message but shakes his head no. 'Oh, no, no, not at all. I actually, I'm a friend of hers, of your mothers...' I think we've established you know my mom.

'Okay? Are you the guy, the one she abandoned my little sister with?' I wait for him to answer but he just stares bewildered at me before smiling again and it sort of creeps me out.

He laughs somewhat amused. 'Wow, just like your mom, attitude and everything.' Seriously?

My skepticism hits it's limit and I grab Mer's arm leading her around the stranger to the front door, to get at least her and the pizza inside. He let's us by but when I'm unlocking the door, his voice tells me he's right behind us. So I move faster and throw Mer a look to get in and stay in the house.

'I was uh just wondering if you've heard from your mother...'

Once Mer is in the house, I close the door and wait to hear her lock it. However, his words stump me, was this not him? If it wasn't then who the hell is he? I look him up and down to asses if he's a threat or not but he doesn't look like it. Old worn blue jeans and a white collar shirt, his hair is combed neatly and glasses hung from the pocket of his shirt.

Who was this guy and what did he want from us?

I shake my head no and keep from moving an inch off the steps but he comes closer and smiles again. 'I know you must be looking for her... You're her girl's right, her daughters? Of course you're looking for her, I would be.'

Unfortunately, I was but what did he care? 'Yeah, so?'

He smiles with one side of his mouth and reaches into his back pocket. I want to run inside because I don't know what he's reaching for but the solemn look in his eyes stops me. 'I-uh-I know your mom from rehab...'

And the plot thickens.

He goes on, 'We met there actually and became great friends. She was-she was the best thing that ever happen to me in there... I'm sorry, how stupid of me that's why you're freaking out. I'm Pavel.'

He once again sticks out his hand for me to shake and this time, hesitantly, I do. 'Rose.'

He nods as if he knew the whole time. 'Yeah, Rosemarie and then Meredith. Yeah, I recognized you from the picture your mom had in her room. Your mom, she had her some beautiful girls. She always use to talk about you ladies in meetings and to pretty much whoever would listen.' He laughs remembering.

I nod still unsure of why he was here and what he wanted. And who the hell this Janine was he seems to be talking about, she sure didn't sound like _my_ mom. He picks up on it and smiles before handing me the folded paper he pulled out of his pocket. I open it. 'This is an address...'

He nods and smiles before becoming a tad uncomfortable with his hands in his pockets. I stare at the paper in my hands and wonder what it meant. What was he doing here and what did this have to do with Janine? He sighs and shakes his head as if disappointed. 'She called me, about three in the morning last night...'

His eyes meet mine again and he finishes what he had to say. 'Like I said, we were friends and she was there for me when I just about gave up. She would give me all these reasons to go on and stay sober, but I thought what for? I didn't have anybody to change for like she did, you know?'

This time I shake my head no in disappointment. He couldn't be talking about the same Janine I knew. 'No, I'm sorry but I don't.' I reach out to hand him back the note but he just stares at it. 'Look, I'm sorry but I don't know what this address means and my mom isn't here. I honestly don't know if she's even coming back at all. So you might as well take this and just forget her.'

He smiles sadly before nodding his head toward the window of the house where I see Meredith waiting. 'It's for you.' His voice sounds quietly but I understood it. 'She's there. Look, I hurt her... I broke her heart and I'm very sorry that it affected you girls but your mother and me... We just-we couldn't be, you know?'

And I did. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

He takes a step back and I almost lose him in the shadows of the bushes by the house, but I still hear him. 'She called me late last night and my fiancée wasn't too happy about it, since I've been clean now for a while; she likes to forget the past. I couldn't help your mom but I thought maybe you girls could get her back home… try again.'

Well, if he wasn't the guy who she left with then he must be the reason she left. The reason for this whole shitty situation. 'Pavel?'

He turns around before getting to the gate of the house and waits for my question. 'She did this because of you, because you hurt her?'

He nods but then takes a breath before replying. 'She did it for lots of reasons... I think I was just the last straw.'

And as he walked out that gate, I understood her choice a little bit more now.

**...**

'This address is in Seattle, Rose, who does she know in Seattle?' I shrug I don't know and Alberta is still staring at the paper Pavel had given me.

'I don't know. He just said he knew her from rehab and that she called him for help but he couldn't do it. Something about his fiancée not too happy about it or something.' Alberta just nods and types in the address into her computer and a hotel pops up.

'Well, we know where she is now, should we call and see if we could get her home?' That was a loaded question and I wasn't sure how to answer or what to answer. The things Pavel had shared with me, although vague, we're still circling my mind. He left a lot of questions, ones I would mostly likely have to hit up my mom to answer but he also answered one. And it was a big one.

'Alberta?' She looked to me from her computer screen and awaited my question. 'Will you-will you-'

'I'll take care of it, Rose.' Her hand met mine before I could get the words out and it was comforting, but she knew what I was going to ask.

I got back home with little relief and I owed it to Alberta and whoever that Pavel guy was to my mom. He explained a little of why she left but that didn't mean I wasn't angry with her anymore. I was still very much pissed off that she left the way she did and that she was drinking again. I think that was why I told Alberta to handle it. It wasn't because I couldn't handle it; it was because I didn't want to. After what Pavel revealed, the last thing I wanted was to give her any help, even if he admitted his wrong and asked me to. She had cost me too much already and I had given her a big chance to change but she didn't.

The first bad thing happens and she gives up, leaving my little sister behind. You couldn't come back from that with me.

'Roses, who was that guy, he said he knew mommy?' I nod and tuck her in the blankets tightly. 'Yeah, he was her friend.' I didn't really know how to explain whatever Pavel and my mother's relationship was to Meredith, so I just kept it vague. 'Go to sleep now, Mer, okay?'

She nods and smuggles into her bed as I pick up a few books off the floor of her room. 'Roses?'

'Yeah?' She takes a moment before continuing and I sweat it a little bit afraid of her next question. 'I'm still mad at you.'

I stop and turn to face her, I wanted to laugh but I quickly found out she was actually being serious, so I didn't. I just nodded my head and turned off the light before getting to her room door. 'Are we still going to see Olena for dinner tomorrow?' That was another thing I was afraid of.

I didn't really want to go over there. It wasn't because I didn't want to see the Belikova's because I did. It was like Viktoria said, they considered us family and Meredith and I felt like we fit in with them. But there would be questions and I wasn't sure if I could handle answering them.

And there were memories as well. Ones of the last times I was there, right before school and how everything was okay then. Well, sort of.

**Thanks for the reviews and what not. By the way there are some epic Rose and Dimitri moments coming up very soon, so stay tuned. That rhymed, kind of.**

**Also to Guest who reminded me to put an AN on TRK for this story, thank you very much totally forgot to do that! (:**

**And to the Guest who left a sweet review about how boring and depressing this sequel is: no one is forcing you to read this. So if you're too impatient to wait and keep reading to find out how R & D do get their happy ending, that's your problem. I don't write stories to please other people and what _they_ want to happen. (;**


	4. Chapter 4

Richelle Mead owns these charaters.

**Chapter 4:** And one day it suits me, the next it bleeds me dry.

**...Night Before Rose Left For School...**

_'How about a veterinarian?' I laugh aloud in the dim room and continue to play with his long graceful fingers._

_'I don't know, Comrade, I like animals but some of them aren't too fond of me.' He laughs and the rumble of his chest soothes me._

_We were in his room, lying on his quite comfortable bed all tangled up while Olena cooked a feast and kept Meredith occupied in the kitchen. It was the night before I would leave to U of M and I was really excited to get the rest of my life started. I just couldn't make up my mind about where I wanted to go with it. Like everything else in his life, Dimitri knew exactly what he wanted for himself and had a plan already before graduation. I on the other hand was still unsure of what career path I wanted to take._

_So, as we lay here and look forward the next four years of our life; Dimitri was helping me decide. 'Well, I would suggest culinary arts but that wouldn't be good for anybody. Unless of course there's a restaurant that serves nothing but spam and eggs.'_

_I throw him a glare and elbow his ribs as he laughs away at his own joke. 'I can make other foods too! I don't burn everything.'_

_Dimitri throws me a look questioning me and I roll my eyes and turn to snuggle myself under his chin and into his chest. He plays with my hair, like always, and I lay there the most comfortable I've have ever been. 'Speaking of food, have you talked to Christian? Are they still on friendly terms?'_

_He nods and squeezes my body tighter to his strong one. During the summer, Jill and Christian had broken up on mutual terms. Jill wanting to study Anthropology in Palm Springs and travel after graduating. Christian wanted to stay in LA and find a steady but good job at a restaurant. They wanted different things and decided to go their own ways but at the same time, Jill felt it._

_There were some nights she'd call me saying she was happy but felt Christian could be a lot happier. Those were the nights she said he said something or did something that showed her, he didn't feel the same things she did. Dimitri had said Christian had tried and put his all into being with Jill, but there was no... spark.__You know, that spark or magnetic pull or whatever it was you're supposed to feel every time you're near the one you love? The one you're supposed to be with?_

_Jill and Christian were better off as friends and they both knew and understood that. It was something I had feared while Dimitri was away at school, that he would meet someone else and they would make something happen for him. Something so great that he would eventually walk away from me. I think those thoughts had a lot to do with my understanding of life not always going according to plan and also the many disappointments that proved it._

_If that were to happen and Dimitri did end things between us, I don't know what I would do…_

_I mean, as long as he was happy, right? I think I would let him go. It didn't matter how I felt about us, he deserved to be happy. He assured me though, plenty of times that I was the one he wanted to be with and love. And I felt that with him, I felt the spark just about every time he looked at me or I thought of him. We had grown so strong over the summer and his time at school; I don't think anything could come between us._

_So now that I'm going to be at school with him, I was certain that this part was what I wanted no matter what. I wanted a chance at college, a chance to make my own life and be with Dimitri as much as I possibly could. Let's face it, I haven't had the best of luck with things I wanted in a while, but it was finally going to happen.__'Yeah, he said they talk almost every day and that Jill sounds a lot happier. He just feels bad because he couldn't return her love.'_

_I understood that more than I wanted to. The whole Adrian fiasco was long gone in the past but I had once been where Christian was. I was just glad he and Jill were able to admit it and work it out, unlike what I did which ended up costing me a lot of pain and embarrassment. At least they ended it before it got worse. 'Well, as long as their happy and still on good terms. It would definitely suck if they hated each other's guts and we were stuck in the middle of it all.' He nods and tucks me somehow closer to his body._

_Now just because a miracle happened and I somehow got into college didn't mean I had a major. I was just glad to be able to have the chance to actually go but now I needed something to study. A career, if you will another thing I didn't think I would get a chance at.__I had settled for general ed classes for my first semester and then by that time, hopefully, I would have some idea of what I wanted to do._

_'How about a nurse or child care? You could open your own day care and boss a bunch of little kids around?'_

_I laugh again but it's muffled into the crook of his neck. His skin covers in goose bumps at the vibration since we're so close but I welcome the effect. I loved when it was just me and him doing nothing but taking comfort in each other. There were many nights in my bed and his that we would just lay there and talk, or kiss. Or, you know, other awesomely time consuming activities._

_Then there were the moments like these ones, where we didn't need to talk or move at all. These moments of comfortable silence, it was always like that between me and Dimitri. We could lie for hours and just enjoy the quiet, as long as we were together. It didn't matter where we were or what anyone else was doing, comfortable silence was a big part of who we were together; at ease._

_And it was a feeling I had welcomed after such a long time of feeling uneasy about almost everything._

_We had an exhausting day today, after taking Meredith to the park to skate and helping me pack for tomorrow, all we both wanted to do was sleep. However, Olena insisted on a goodbye dinner for me and I didn't want to be rude and miss out on weird but delicious Russian food.__The silence thickens and Dimitri's breath evens out, 'Don't fall asleep, Comrade, we're supposed to have dinner.' I sound muffled from being tucked into him but my voice gives off that lazy sleepy tone as well._

_'I'm not.' Out of the quiet, he groans and grips me tighter to him but I can tell he's about two seconds away from getting his snore on._

_'If you two aren't downstairs in five seconds, I'm going to tell mama you're up here making babies!'__We both sigh at the sound of Viktoria's voice coming down the hallway. I untangle myself from his body and sit up just as she gets to the doorway._

_'Go ahead, she will probably just congratulate us and throw Roza a baby shower.' Viktoria rolls her eyes at Dimitri's comment as I shake my head and prepare for another one of their bicker battles._

_Although, Dimitri and Viktoria had gotten a lot closer since everything that had happen, they were still brother and sister. They argued about everything siblings usually argue about, all the time. At least Mer was still young and didn't argue with me... often._

**...**

_'It's a shame your mother couldn't make it, Rose, I really wanted everyone to be here.' I nod quietly at Olena's soft-spoken words._

_'Yeah, she had to work tonight. She just started this new job and didn't want to ask for time off so fast.' Lies. All lies._

_Well, not the part about Janine getting a new job, she did have that but the time off thing; bullshit. I was told a week prior to this dinner to invite my mother along but I didn't. Yes, I felt bad because she was trying really hard to become a part of my life but I wasn't ready for the meeting of the parents just yet. At least, I didn't think I was ready. It didn't feel right between me and Janine, that's for sure._

_I was still in the debate of forgiving my mother for everything that had happen and she had put us through. Meredith had no problem forgiving or forgetting, but she was young and didn't fully understand everything. She was just happy that our mother was home, clean and promising change for us all. I had a better and uglier understanding of Janine and I think it's built this wall that blocked me from believing the change._

_'Well, maybe when you and Dimka come home for spring break, we could all get together like this. We can maybe even have your sister's home as well, Dimka.' I don't say anything._

_'Yeah, mama, maybe so...' But Dimitri squeezes my thigh under the table in support._

_He understood where I stand with my mother and although he wishes I would give it a chance, he still supports me. Olena nods in agreement and her eyes move to Meredith then to me before she continues. 'That would be so great, to have the whole family home, with Rose and her mother. You know your sestra's are dying to meet them after hearing about the girls so much.'_

_I almost choke on the food in my mouth that seemed to get bigger and harder to swallow. Olena didn't mean any harm or anything by that comment but the thought of Janine meeting all the Belikova's was so uncomfortable for me. It just didn't feel right. Janine and I hadn't repaired what was lost so long ago.__I mean, we barely spoke to each other as it is.__She had tried to strike conversation with me. Sometimes she would throw me a few smiles every now and then, and I had tried to carry it out but something was off. Uncomfortable. I didn't know what it was or why I couldn't get passed it but it was something that had caused a lot of awkward tension in the house._

_'Mama, this was really good, thank you for making dinner for us.' Dimitri, the ever polite son he is, tried to change the subject but little did he know Olena had tricks of her own._

_By the time we had all finished eating the subject of Janine was dropped. Viktoria and Meredith were off watching something Viktoria found online and Dimitri had taken out the trash, leaving me to help Olena with the dishes. I could tell she wanted to say something and I kind of hoped it wasn't about my mom but it was._

_Olena clears her throat and mine feels like it's going to close in and I'm going choke to death. I didn't want to lie to Olena about not bringing my mother but I didn't want to tell her the reason why, if I couldn't figure it out myself. As long as Olena has been in my life she had proved time and time again that I could always talk to her. I just never took her up on it._

_It's quiet for two short seconds before she speaks and when she does, that choking feeling lingers. 'Meredith seems a lot happier now, more joyful.' I nod but say nothing, she was right and Mer deserved that. 'She's happy your mother is home and healthy now?' I nod again and avoid her pulling brown eyes, putting all my focus on drying the plate I've been wiping for the past five minutes._

_Olena smiles sadly as I catch her eyes from the corner of my own. 'You don't feel the same way.'_

_I think it was more of a statement than a question. In fact I know it was and that's what makes me finally get the guts to look at her. 'I do-I mean-I... I don't really know...'_

_There's this intense silent pause that occurs between us and I'm certain she sees the truth in my eyes. Then suddenly the back door slams shut, breaking the silence Dimitri makes his way back into the kitchen and washes his hands in between me and Olena at the sink. I avoid his eyes purposely but I can tell he knows something is up by the feel of the room._

_'Am I interrupting something?' He questions, turning his head from me to his mother._

_I still avoid him quiet as ever. Olena shakes her head no but she could always answer people with just a look and Dimitri picks up on it quickly. He nods silently and then his eyes are back on me before he leans in and kisses my cheek. 'I'm going to see what the girls are doing and then finish packing the truck.' I nod as he turns and walks away already knowing, I'm sure, of what me and Olena were talking about._

_The water is turned off and Olena dries her hands facing me as I finish drying the last of the cups. 'Are you afraid it won't last or are you afraid to trust her?'_

_Afraid? I take in her question and turn it over in my head. 'What makes you think I'm afraid?'_

_Olena smiles sadly to me and freeing my hands of the cup and towel, pulls me to the kitchen table. She sits across from me and holds both my hands gently in hers, making me look her right into her observing eyes as she speaks. 'You didn't bring your mother here for a reason, Rose. A reason that has kept you from forgiving her fully as Meredith has...'_

_I look to the table in order to gather my thoughts and the point she was trying to make. 'Yeah, but Meredith is young, she's just happy to have our mom home. She doesn't really understand everything that happened...'_

_She nods agreeing with me, 'You have a point but Meredith is mature for her age. She's seen things with your mother that you have, yet she still forgave her. Meredith may be young and biased but she is also very perceptive, she sees what you see but chose to move passed it. Why do you think you haven't?'_

_It was a good question and it was also the one I couldn't seem to answer but that didn't mean I was afraid of anything. I shrug I don't know and look onto the table. 'There is a reason but I'm not afraid of her... I'm not afraid she's going to fail.'_

_Olena smiles knowingly, like there's something I just said that proved her point but what? 'Is it that you expect her to fail then?'_

_Well that I didn't really know the answer to. Janine couldn't fail otherwise she'd lose Meredith and that was something she didn't want to happen. I still had my doubts of course, I still lay awake at night and wondered if she was really asleep or sneaking something to drink in the kitchen. Or maybe hiding bottles somewhere off in the house. I didn't think she would risk Meredith for another beer or whatever though._

_I also didn't expect her to be perfect now. I knew it was a struggle for her and I knew she would still have temptation there but she was trying. I'd like to believe she had a reason to keep trying. So no, I didn't expect her to fail, not when Meredith was at stake. She wouldn't do that to her, I don't think._

_So what did that leave me with?_

_I shake my head no to answer her and realize the point Olena was trying to make. I may not have expected failure and I wasn't afraid of it happening but did I trust it? Did I trust her?__I meet Olena's eyes with my own as realization hits me. All she did was smile politely and pat my hands that were still wrapped in hers across the table top. 'You don't trust her, do you?'_

_Once again shaking my head no, I answer. 'Not exactly. Of course, I never really had a reason to.'_

_Olena sighs sadly and then releases my hands to stand from the table. 'Could that be the reason she wasn't here tonight?'__I nod and look down to the table pondering over everything. 'Trust is earned, Rose, and your mother hasn't earned yours yet. It's okay to be afraid, to be cautious but maybe, if you give it a chance-even the smallest of ones; it can be mended.'_

_That was very true, 'But how do I know she won't break it again? That she won't mess up?'_

_Olena just smiles and then shrugs. 'You don't, but that's what separates you from Meredith. You expect to be let down, she doesn't. This time, don't expect it, give it a chance. It's a start and you have to start somewhere.'_

**...Present Day...**

I took Olena's words to heart that night and for a short lived minute; I had let my mother in. It was a small, very small, in but it was still something.

There questions that Olena had asked me that night, stuck as well. Was I afraid Janine would fail or I didn't trust her? I knew now, for a fact, the answer to both. I didn't trust her to make everything better and she didn't. I was also afraid she would fail and then I'd have to come back home to the life I thought I'd left behind.

And she did fail. It's why this time there would be no forgiving, no chance. It was too late.

I was supposed to start the second semester of college roaming around liberal arts-somewhere around visual arts, that's what I had decided to major in. Just to see where it would take me. So much for that idea, so much for giving second chances because once again, Janine Hathaway had disappointed me. It was like I said before; you better be sure the person you give a second chance to deserved it.

I think that's what made me so angry this time. I had given her something I thought she deserved and she just threw it away. Why, because some dude she met in rehab did whatever he did to her? Or because she couldn't handle real life anymore? I didn't know and for right now, I didn't care.

**...**

'Rose, Meredith, this is Sonya and Karolina, my oldest daughters.'

Olena has this huge smile on her face as she introduces everyone. We shake their hands and greet each other, and then we all pile into the living room while Olena finishes cooking. Meredith usually jumps at the chance to help her but once introduced to Paul and Zoya, decides to go off with them and play.

'So you're the girl my little brother is all hung up on, huh?' Viktoria elbows Karolina's side and glares at her much confused expression.

I was hoping the subject of Dimitri wouldn't come up but who was I kidding? Viktoria throws me an apologetic smile and then Sonya is off whispering to Karolina in Russian. I'm no expert in the language or anything but it looked like she was telling her what a dumb move that was. 'What? Mama said, they were going together. What is the big deal, like we're _not_ going to talk about Dimka when he isn't around?' Viktoria drops her head into her hands and sighs.

I just sit there on the couch and smile awkwardly as Karolina waits still expecting an answer. _'Going together_? What are you still in high school, Karolina, nobody says going together anymore. It's called hooking up!'

Although Sonya did have a good point, her knowledge of slang was still a bit off. To which it made Viktoria throw them both an expression of _are you freaking kidding me_? I had to smile at the moment even if it was an uncomfortable subject for me to talk about. Dimitri had often talked about his two sisters who lived in Russia. He said they always made family gatherings fun because he and Viktoria could make fun of them for all the hip things they thought they knew.

He also said he was very close to Karolina, since she had Paul and his father wasn't around, Dimitri liked to be someone he could look up to and learn from. So he often kept tabs on Paul and sent him books to read, they even talked often when Karolina said he was driving her crazy. The memory of those times where Dimitri and I shared our lives together makes my smile drop.

I really missed him right now. I had never been in the Belikov home without him unless he was outside or something. The living room brought back a lot of memories as well. The times Olena was working late and we had movie nights with Viktoria and Mer. Or when he taught Mer to make black bread one day while I worked my shift at the cafe. They showed up when it was done and had lunch with me on my break.

The sisters go off still talking about what words were cool to say and which ones weren't. Viktoria suddenly making her way across the living room grabs my hand and leads me up to her room. 'We'll be right back, guys, girl talk and shit!'

'Viktoria! Watch your mouth, please!' Olena's voice sounds from the kitchen.

Once we are both upstairs in her bedroom, Viktoria closes her door and I head straight for her bed plopping myself right onto it. I sigh relived and close my eyes taking in the silence. 'That was scary.' I nod to Viktoria's words as she sits near her desk and turns the chair. 'Don't worry, my sisters will be arguing still by the time we have to go back out there... but I'm sure Dimka will come up again at the table.'

I open my eyes and hold back the sudden emotion threatening to break out. I couldn't be here and not think of him. Think of all the time we spent in his room, on his bed, in our own little world while everyone else was downstairs. The heavy make-out sessions as his mother was distracted with chores or cooking. The declarations of love, the smiles and laughs we shared while just enjoying being together.

I missed him terribly and I wasn't sure I could survive the night without attempting to call him. Just so I could hear his voice and tell him I missed him. 'You're thinking about him.'

Viktoria's words snap me out of my thoughts and I blink hard to push away the watery blur of my eyes. I didn't even know I was crying but I wasn't going to do it here. 'Yeah.'

Viktoria moves from her desk to lay beside me on her bed and sighs. 'You know, we talk every day, me and Dimka...' I didn't know that, I knew he called her from time to time but now it's everyday? 'He misses you Rose, like really really misses you. He tells me all the time, you know?'

I didn't know that either, well, I kind of figured it actually. We did end things mutually but it wasn't because we wanted to. It was just the next step for us with everything that was happening at that moment. 'I miss him...' My voice comes out low and whispered but I swallow to control the emotion in it, and me, I didn't want to break here. I couldn't, there was still too much going on to try and fix me and him right now.

Viktoria sighs before her next question and it makes it just a little harder to breathe. 'He asks me about you and Meredith, if you guys are okay and stuff. I tell him you're dealing, I also tell him to quit being a vagina and call you but... well, you know. He wanted to give you time and he says he's still thinking about things, whatever that means.'

I knew what it meant and it made me just a tad bit happy that he was taking my request seriously. We had a lot come between us recently and it wasn't just my mom, but it somehow made me realize we had to be sure. 'Rose, if you don't mind me asking, I mean, I know you don't really need this right now and you don't want to talk about it, but... what happen between you and my brother?'

The question stings me, like the prick of a needle and quick like when you get a splinter. I close my eyes again and hold them closed to stop the watery feel of tears from falling. The lump in my throat huge and hard to swallow but I somehow get through it. I needed to, I realize, I needed to vent just a little. For my own peace of mind. I wouldn't give Viktoria the whole story but I would give her some. 'There were a few things that happened actually... and they were frequent, right after another, like falling dominoes or something.'

She waits for me to go on but my breathing quickens and I only have so much control of myself at the moment. So I had decided to give her it in parts, parts that wouldn't hurt me or make him out to be the bad guy. The parts I could deal with, even though I felt like I couldn't deal with much. 'There was this girl, his lab partner in a class he had. I think it was like a crime lab or something. She-she liked him or likes him I should say... He didn't do anything with her, well, anything considered cheating but I think if it went on a little longer, he might have.'

Viktoria is deadly quiet as I remember the few moments I had with Dimitri while Galina was around. 'She liked him a lot actually, I saw it. It took me a short little while to notice but I saw it, right in her eyes. She would flirt with him when they were studying or working in the library. She flirted with him a lot and right in front of me.'

'I have to admit, she had some serious lady balls to flirt with a guy while his girlfriend is sitting right next to him. It was weird though because they have so much in common, you know? They have the same major, some classes together, they're both really smart. Both nerds.' That last part causes me laugh a little but it wasn't with humor.

Viktoria sits up and looks to me with a sad expression which gets even sadder as I continue.

'It wasn't just her though, you know, it was a lot of things. Like I said, things just started popping up and coming between us... So many things came between us; me undecided about a major, him excelling at his, Galina and her flirting. There were just so many things drifting us apart and my mother was the last one… The big one because I had to leave, I had to leave school and him, and all the things we were supposed to work on.'

I sit up on the bed now and wipe my eyes of the few betraying tears that fell. Sniffling, I try to relax and calm myself as Viktoria finally speaks. 'Well, maybe you guys can still work on them. I mean, you've done this before, while he was at school and you were still here. You can still try at least...'

I shake my head no and look to the black carpeted floor of Viktoria's bedroom. 'I don't think we can or _I can_. Not yet. I have Meredith full time now and the whole thing with my mom and-'

'But Rose, Dimka, he loves you. I know he does, I can hear it in his voice when he talks about you. When he mentions how bad he wants to call you and come home to help you with Meredith. And I know you love him! You'd have to be blind and stupid to not know that you love him! I really think you guys can get through this.' I thought that as well and she was right, I love him still. Always.

However, she wasn't there when we had talked a few nights before I left school. She wasn't there when all the feelings and emotions of everything that had been happening came out and Dimitri agreed with me about taking some time out to think. Viktoria didn't understand what Galina's flirtations, my unsure future and everything else that piled on had caused. It set us apart and I feared all this distance between me and Dimitri now, would set us apart even further. And I would truly lose him.

'Did he-did he cheat, Rose? Did he do anything with her?' No, but that didn't mean he didn't want to.

I wasn't going to tell her that though. I couldn't have Viktoria against Dimitri if she was the one he was venting to. 'No.'

It was quiet for a moment as if she was waiting for a longer answer but I didn't give one. She knew all she needed to know at the moment. I was sure the next time she talked to Dimitri it and this dinner would come up. I wasn't bothered by that though, well, until she started talking again. 'I think you should call him, that you guys should talk. He misses you and you miss him, at least try to be friends still. I really think you both need to speak to each other, Rose.' I sigh tired and hungry and ready to drop this whole conversation.

'I don't know, Viktoria, I don't know.' She sighs next and rises as we hear Olena's voice call out that the food was ready.

'If it were me, I'd call him. Just so I could get some peace of mind, at least.' And with that she leaves the room.

After that dinner was much lighter and the two older Belikov's didn't mention Dimitri's and my relationship again. I think Olena had something to do with that because she kept giving me light smiles and compliments the rest of the night. Karolina, Sonya and Viktoria are freaking hilarious when their together.

They told me stories about when they were younger and a few about Dimitri and how he was married to all their dolls. They asked questions about me and my childhood and I told them of all the happy memories I could find, which weren't many. And Meredith made new friends with Paul and Zoya. I was glad for her; another night where she didn't worry about Janine and just got to be a kid was well deserved. And she had a blast.

It had actually been a good dinner and I found myself a little lighter at the moment. For a while, at least. 'Rose, can I talk to you before you girls leave?'

I nod at Olena and have Meredith help clean up the mess of toys she and Zoya had across the room. I knew she had wanted to talk and I knew what it would mostly be about but I wasn't scared to do it this time. My last chat with Olena helped heaps and I was hoping this one would as well.

Once inside the kitchen, Olena sits at the table and I follow to the chair next to her. She smiles widely and squeezes my hand gently. 'I'm so happy you girls came tonight, I really wanted to see you both. We missed you around here, Rose.' I smile back and nod agreeing that it had been too long since having been here. 'Yeah and it was nice meeting your daughters finally. I don't think Mer will want to leave now that Paul and Zoya are here.'

She laughs with me before the expression on her face turns serious. 'Well, she is welcome anytime and so are you. I want you both to visit as often as you'd like to, this is your family too.'

'Thank you, Olena. That means a lot to us both.' She nods but still carrying that serious face I know the thank you aren't what she really wanted to talk about.

'Rose, I know you're dealing with a lot at the moment and I know you and Dimka have some things to work through but do not hesitate to come to me for help... with anything, Rose. I mean it, you're a part of this family whether your name is Belikov or not.'

The gesture brings tears to my eyes and I'm once again fighting for control. It's like she was in my head reading all my feelings to herself. 'Thank you, Olena, thank you so much. You've done a lot already though and I don't-'

Olena shakes her head before I even finish talking. 'No, you don't think that way, Rose. You and Meredith are much too young to have the life that you do but if I can help by being here than I will. I will help all I can, that is a promise.' I nod too emotional to speak and wiping the tears from my eyes. Geez, is this why they invited us? To make me cry? 'Now about my son...'

And the tears dry up faster with the quick beating of my anxious hart. I was ready for anything at the moment but not exactly what she said next. 'I want you to know, Rose, that he loves you. And I know that you feel the same for him but sometimes, things will happen. Life will test you and you have to stop and think before going on with it.'

I nod listening to what she was telling me, all the while still thinking of what Viktoria said about calling him. I kind of wanted to now and I knew it would feel good but would help anything?

Olena sighs before continuing and then wipes a streak of tear from my cheek. 'Just don't think for too long. Don't let the possibilities grow because often they could grow to be bad possibilities, and then you end up failing the test or never knowing the outcome.' Understanding her point, I nod and she embraces me in the warmest of hugs I've ever had.

'I told you before, Rose, I know my son; he follows his heart. And it led him to you.'

I knew what she was saying, even though it was kind of cryptic and somewhat mushy; I got the point.

And I knew what I had to do now, I had to call him. It was time.

**Please don't hate Dimitri, or me for that matter, everything will be explained in due time. You just have to be patient. Also if you're going to write a story, I should warn you don't break R&D up in the first chapter, you get some not so nice PM's. Anywho, let me know what you think! (:**


	5. Chapter 5

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 5:** Of the ones who stay and the ones who leave.

**...At School...**

_His kisses linger in and tingle my mouth. The flick of his tongue on mine makes my body shake with anticipation along with the roll of his hips. My hands touch every muscled soft space of skin under his shirt, while our mouths connect heating me just about everywhere. I wanted him and I wanted him bad.__His breath catching before his mouth is back on mine is all I hear. I'm sure my breathing is just as loud and heavy but I'm not paying attention to it or anything else really._

_It had been a few weeks since we've had any time alone together. Just for us two and I missed being with him. So I was just about ready to burst._

_My hands feel their way down his sculpted chest and I lightly touch the trail of hair leading down his stomach. I follow it inside his jeans and his breath quickens as I come into contact with him. 'The door is unlocked, Roza.'_

_He whispers, but I just keep his mouth busy with my own before speaking. 'I just want to touch you.'_

_My voice comes out low and heated, his breath picks up again as his eyes flash to his room door and then they're back staring into me. I unbuckle his belt before unzipping his pants, the thrill of what I'm about do exciting us both. The silence in the room a blur in the back of my mind once I get my hands right where I've wanted them. He breathes deep again, slowly, barely moving his hips along with my hands as I grip him._

_He gasps in my mouth before our lips and tongues meet deeply once again, 'Shit, Roza'_

_I laugh as his accent comes out thicker than usual, it always does when we were like this or he was half asleep. I loved it when that happens. It just made me want to push this even further, but I knew eventually he would stop us. It was just a matter of how far I could get him to go. We were in his dorm room and at any moment Ivan could walk right through the door._

_Our breathing deepens as he's now rocking his hips harder into mine. His movement a little quicker now grinding himself into me. The friction becomes too much too fast and the thought of stopping any time soon disappears just as quick. He stops kissing me but my lips automatically attach themselves to his neck. I suck and bite and kiss him as he slows himself down and our eyes make contact.__In his deep pooling brown eyes, I see conflicting emotions. He wanted to continue but knew we had to stop._

_But in my eyes I'm pretty sure he knew what I wanted to do more than anything at this moment. He breathes deep before stopping altogether and moves back to hover above me.__He swallows to control his breathing, 'Galina, could be here any minute...'_

_And just like that, as quick as ocean waves wash away prints in the sand, the moment is gone._

_I sigh deeply frustrated as my head falls back to the bed and my arms retract quickly. It snaps me into action and a little anger. I lower my sun dress back down as Dimitri is quickly re-buttoning his pants and belt. I sit up and Dimitri moves in front of his desk and packs his laptop at the precise moment there's a light knock on the door_. _I'm sitting up and quietly watching as Dimitri overlooks himself and then takes a breath before reaching for the door to open it._

_As soon as she's in sight, I rise from sitting on the bed and grab my backpack. 'Hey, Dimka. Hi, Rose.'_

_Galina's sickeningly sweet high voice entraps the room and I hold myself back from saying something not so nice. I smile politely to her and then my eyes meet Dimitri's. With just the look he questions where I'm going and I just shrug as I make my way past Galina to the door.__'Roza?' I turn to face him and bite back a snarky comment about keeping his promise and smile sadly. 'I'll let you guys study, Comrade.'_

_As I get to the door I can feel him behind me but I don't turn as he speaks. 'Roza, you don't have to go. I thought you were going to the library with us?'_

_Why? So I could sit there bored out of my mind and watch her flirt with you? So I could hold my jealousy in and watch as she makes any excuse to touch you or smile when you look to her, or hear her stupid fake laugh when you make a joke about something and it's not even funny? No thank you._

_I sigh as all three of us make our way into the hallway and wait for him to lock his door. 'No, I forgot, I promised Sydney I'd help her get ready for Ivan's frat party tonight. I'm going to go now so I have time to get ready too.'_

_I hated lying to him; about anything but I was still debating if I was just being jealous or if she really was making the moves on my man. I start to walk to the stairs to leave but he stops me before I could get anywhere. His eyes are apologetic, already knowing I was upset but I'm not sure if he knew the exact reason why._

_He thought it was because lately school has been keeping us from a lot of time together and when we did have time, it was usually when other people were around. In reality, in my heart, I was mad because his so-called lab partner kept intruding on our time together. Even if she wasn't physically there, there was always something that came up about her. He would laugh and tell me a story about something she said in class, or how they were both up for the same internships and thought it would be cool if they would work together._

_The few times Dimitri and I were alone she would always come up or he ended up cutting our time short to meet up with her for some project or thing they had to do for class. They were friends and I was happy he was being more social but I found myself getting tired of hearing about Galina. And then she interrupted the first few moments alone he and I finally had together, since I was busy with midterms.__I hated this, I hated being jealous and I kept telling myself that's what it was but was it really?_

_I mean was it just me reading into things too much and becoming one of those girlfriends with trust issues or was she really after him? And then I thought back to this morning, to when Sydney said something about them spending a lot of time together, while I got ready for class._

_'They sure spend a lot of time in the library together... and she's always sitting real close to him, all up in his space.'_

_I tried to tell her that they were just lab partners and that I trusted him but I couldn't even convince myself of the words coming out of my mouth.__ And honestly, I didn't trust her._

_And Sydney, she was nothing but a good friend since the day I met her. She was always on my case about having sex before marriage and how god was always watching us. But when she brought up the very things I found myself worried about, I couldn't question it anymore. It was confirmed, Galina had feelings for Dimitri._

_He wanted to apologize for having to cut our time short but I don't want his sorry. I wanted him, just him and me. I wanted him to cancel on her and spend time with me; his girlfriend._

_As he opened his mouth to talk, I shake my head no before he could do so and look down to the floor. When I look up again biting my tongue and our eyes meet, he knows this is bigger than it seems. I throw a glance to a waiting Galina before turning away and heading to the stairs._

_It stings; it hurts even worse when I hear him yell a last attempt to stop me. 'I'll pick you up later for the party?'_

_I don't answer him but I stop at the top of the stairs and throw a last glance to him and I only hope he could see the disappointment set in my eyes._

**...Present Time...**

This small slim phone has never felt so heavy in my hand before. Since we got home from the Belikova's I have found each and every excuse I could to hold off on calling him. The memory of our last time even touching each other intimately plays through my mind. It was only a week after that that I had got a notice to meet with a guidance counselor about classes for next semester and choosing a major. And then three days after that I had received Alberta's call.

It was like I had told Viktoria, it all happened so rapidly, falling dominoes.

I wasn't able to enjoy the party that night either and even though I lied to him about helping Sydney get ready; I still felt the lingering distance that was occurring between us. Sydney left early that night since she had a big paper due the next morning. Dimitri had showed up ten minutes later than the time we set to meet and of course, he wasn't alone.

I don't know how she did it but Galina got him to bring her to the party. The party I was planning to forget and forgive everything that's been happening and leave early with him so we could finish what we had started earlier that day. Except when I asked him if he wanted to go, he shook his head no and said he didn't want to leave Galina alone since she didn't really know anybody there. So I just downed the rest of his beer and told him I'd see him later. That was the first night of a few that I had gone to bed feeling like a part of me was drifting away. I had found out from Ivan a few days later that Dimitri left the party shortly after I did but not alone.

That was a fun argument and it was the one where we broke up. It was also the one where I told him I was leaving school.

And still, the phone felt like a thousand pounds weighing over me. I wanted to call him, talk to him and have everything be like before but I just couldn't find the will. That last ounce of strength I needed to convince myself that calling him was the thing to do. That I needed to talk to him, about everything, about my mom and Meredith and about how school was going for him. I missed him and no matter how many times I've said that, it still wasn't enough to explain the empty void I was feeling since he hasn't been around. And like a light bulb turning on, there was the last boost I needed to unlock my phone and dial his number.

The phone had only rang twice before I found myself dropping it from my ear and my attention was snapped to the dark figure swaying in the doorway of the house. I put the phone down and pushed a thought to call him later to the back of my mind as I watch Alberta guide my mother to the couch. I stood up from sitting on the recliner but I don't move from the spot as Alberta looks to me before gesturing me outside.

I follow her and wait for Alberta to say something, anything. She sighs tiredly and gives me another look I can't read. I wait for her though, the anger toward my mother rising quickly and my leg shakes with anticipation to go off on her for showing up like this. Alberta sighs again then reaches out to touch my shoulder lightly. 'Rose, she's a little drunk tonight, get her into bed and then you can yell at her all you want tomorrow... you don't want Meredith to see her finally home like that, so wait.'

It surprises me a little that she knew I wanted to open my mouth as soon as I spotted them but then she wouldn't be Alberta if she didn't. I reluctantly nod after much hesitation and feel the anger rise a tad bit more for having to wait it out. However, she was right, I should wait to rip my mother a new one until she was coherent enough and actually understood what I was going to tell her. And I had a lot to say.

'I found her at the bar of the airport after searching the motel. I had to drag her on the plane and then drag her right off, she fell asleep on the drive over here but I had to wake her up to get her inside.' I nod not saying anything, I was afraid the second I opened my mouth I would end up going off and Alberta didn't deserve that.

'She's a mess, Rose; get her cleaned up and to bed. She was a little out of it, saying all kinds of things about that Pavel guy and getting down on herself for lying to you girls...' Good. Then we were on the same page, only I wasn't going to go easy on her when I had my time to talk.

No, I wouldn't hold back and I never have when it came to my mother, and I never will. I'd wait and she would feel the all the things I was currently caging inside. Alberta smiles sadly before squeezing my shoulder in a comforting gesture before turning and heading for our gate. She stops and turns back around before leaving though and gives me that serious look I often can't determine. 'Now, remember what I said, Rose, wait for it. You wait until the morning, you hear?'

I nod once again and watch as she makes her way across the yard and into her house before turning around and heading back into mine.

If I thought finding the courage to call Dimitri was tough, holding off on my mom was going to take a miracle. I step in the living room and stop just ahead of the couch she was currently hanging off from. Her clothes were wrinkly and she reeked of beer and some seriously strong liquor. I don't move but watch as her arms slowly cover her face, she moved around like she had no control of her limbs. They covered her face all wobbly like as if there were no bones in her body.

Her breathing was loud and deep, like she was panting because she had just run a marathon or something. She moaned lowly and her hair was everywhere tangled and messy. She looked like absolute shit and I just stood there watching her, trying to fight the overwhelming urge to scream. I had promised Alberta I'd wait but this felt like the hardest thing to do ever.

She groans and her arms fly loosely at the air, as if fighting off some invisible thing trying to attack her. 'Meredith... Mer, baby, turn off the light... can't see...'

As I stood there, my eyes move to the ceiling fan above us and take note that only one light bulb was on. The other having blown out and I haven't had time to change it. She groaned again, 'Meredith... the light, please...'

Her arms were covering her face but it was still too bright for her it seemed. My jaw clenched and my fist flexed at the sight before me, she must be coming into the hangover stage now and was trying to fight it off. 'Meredith! I said turn off... the light!' I swallow the urge to snap at her.

Her voice is scratchy but her tone I didn't miss, she was getting mad now. As I kept quietly but carefully watching her, I felt all the pent up anger suddenly rising and couldn't contain myself anymore. I took a deep breath through my nose and released it frustratingly as she moaned and cleared her throat to try and speak. Then I couldn't stand it anymore and snapped into action.

I took off angrily to the bathroom and turned the water on in the tub. As I went back to the living room, Janine was trying to sit up now, so I took advantage and roughly holstered her up by her outstretched arm. She was heavy now that she was incoherent, so I had to do most of the work myself as we swayed our way to the restroom. She flinched as my grip tightens to move her into the direction of the bathroom door but I said nothing. I just moved her to the toilet and plopped her right on the closed lid. She sat there somehow, wobbling from side to side with a dazed look on her face like she was about to puke.

I made sure the water was extra cold and didn't even bother to turn on the warm side.

After stripping her shirt and jeans off, I threw her clothes and shoes to the side, and then once again hoisted her up by the arm. She groaned at my grip and wobbled a little but I stood her up straight and then moved her close to the tub. I took a moment, just a small second to look at her and I couldn't see anything in those empty blue eyes. There and then, everything had struck me; she was the one who gave up. She was the one who took off abandoning Meredith who was so happy to have her back home and this is how she appreciates it?

By leaving! Janine clears her throat again and in her eyes something sparks, it's a dim spark and it doesn't last very long but now she full well knew who was standing in front of her.

The realization hit her like a blow to the gut. Her eyes cast down to the floor, she releases a long drawled out breath and then her head sinks to her chest in shame. That's when my anger, frustration and everything else I had been holding back comes out and I drop her into the tub.

A deep gasp escapes her and her face is contorted into shock, surprise even. I just watch her, I stand next to the tub and watch as she moves to sit up and folds her arms against her chest for some kind of warmth. It doesn't come though, she sits and starts to shake and since I didn't turn off the running water the tubs still filling. As splashes of water hit her making her colder, she reaches for me with another deep gasp. I step back though, I let her suffer and keep all the reeling thoughts of what she's cost me play through my mind.

I thought everything was okay, I had thought she would stand by her word and give me this one thing. This one thing I asked of her and she couldn't even do that, she couldn't even stay sober for Meredith. I blink out of my thoughts as she once again reaches for me to help her. 'Rose-Rosemarie, please! It's cold, I'm freezing!'

I feel bad and then I don't. She needed to wake up and realize I wasn't going to take care of her anymore, and if this was the way then so be it. So much for my promise to Alberta to wait. Her arm still out reaching for me but I just lean in and finally turn off the water.

Once I do, I seemed to have turned off every other sound in the house. I hoped Meredith was still sleeping and we didn't wake her up, she didn't need to see this. My mother sits in the half full tub with her arms now folded across her chest, she's shaking and her lips tremble. I slowly move my body to sit on the toilet and then I just look at her. I sit there and take it all in, her and everything that's happen to me these past few months.

It was all because of her, well, most of it anyway.

I was tired of it, of all of it and I couldn't keep it in any longer. She sits there still shaking in her underwear and bra, and I grab the big towel Meredith likes to dry off with but I don't give it to her yet. 'I hope it was worth it.' It seemed like my strangely calm voice was the only sound in the world right now, other than my mother's breathing. 'I hope you had one hell of a time because this is it.'

She's panting as she turns her head to face me. 'Wh-What?'

I don't say a word as I let the serious tension blanket her confused face. It only takes a minute before her eyes widen with more confusion but she realizes what I meant. 'It's over now, done. You had your chance and you blew it. You're done.'

She begins panting again but it wasn't because she was freezing or maybe it was that too. It was mostly because she understood where I was going with this and from the look of it; she knew it wasn't going to be good. I swallow back the urge to scream and blow my lid off but I knew Meredith was only in the next room. I didn't want her to catch this or the way my mother looked.

So with a calming breath, I speak again. 'Meredith is no longer your concern, she's mine now, understand?' She doesn't respond but I don't care, I wasn't waiting for her approval or anything else she had to offer. 'If you want any kind of time or say in her life, you have to sober up and take responsibility for once.'

'I'm not letting you hurt her again. You don't get to do that to her anymore, you understand? She is mine now and what I say goes! What I want is what's going to happen and there isn't a goddam thing you can do about it!' I can tell by the surprise in her wide eyes that my voice is rising and so I swallow again to calm myself down. 'You have a week, one week, to find another place to live. I won't have you here ruining her, you will not take any more from her than you already have, and she doesn't deserve that.'

She freaks and the water splashes as she moves to lean over the side and stare me in the face angry as ever. 'Where am I supposed to go, Rosemarie? This is my house, you can't- What am I supposed to do just leave?'

I shrug uncaringly, 'I don't give a shit where you go but you're not staying here. I told you, I'm done, it's over.'

She huffs and stands up in the tub, water dripping down from her body and her voice rises. 'This is my goddam house! You don't run things here-'

I meet her and rise as well but my voice is still strangely calm compared to hers. 'I'm paying the bills and I'm taking care of Meredith. It's my way or no way at all! You don't get a say anymore! Got that!' Only I wasn't asking for her to understand, I was demanding it.

This makes her slump and she plops herself back into the water, her hands hide her face and she's shaking but this time it's in despair, not because she was cold. I stay standing and watch as she sobs, no tears falling as if I'm going to have some kind of pity for her. I never liked pity, I hated when I got it and I'd be dammed if I would give it. So she was doing herself no good by trying to make me feel it. 'Get help, check back into rehab, do whatever it is you have to do but clean up. And until then, until I think your deserving of her time, of her love then we'll see if your worthy of having her around.'

She cries this time, with real tears and everything but it's angry cries. The kind that come after you've taken so much you're about ready to pop. 'You can't do that! You can't do that to me! She's my kid, Rosemarie, she's my daughter!' Her voice rises in the room and I'm sure she's woken Meredith now. It only adds to my fury and trying to keep calm goes right out the window. 'You're my kids! You are my goddam children and I say what goes! I am the mother here!'

'Then act like it!' I yell and it seems to break her of her ranting.

There's nothing but silence in the room again and it's as heavy as ever. She once again drops her head to her hands and cries some more. I don't have any emotions for her though, nothing other than anger and resentment, buckets of it. There's a few lingering minutes of total silence before she works up her voice and speaks again. 'If you hate me so much... If you want me away from Meredith so bad, then why are you giving me another chance?'

Of course, leave it to my mother to mistake this as another chance from me. That's not what I was doing and I never would give her anything at all anymore. 'Huh? Why are you doing this, Rosemarie?'

Her cries calm and her voice comes out tired and crackly. She still didn't get it. 'I'm not giving you anything anymore. You have taken everything from me... _everything_... and there is no way for you to ever right that.'

She cries out with a loud strangled groan, as if the world is so frustrating she had to let out some sort of cry for help. I don't let it get me though. 'This is for Meredith; she saved your ass this time, not me.' I move to leave the room and before turning for the door, I catch her eyes again. 'I don't want anything to do with you.'

'Rose!' She yells for me but I don't turn back. I only toss her the towel that was in my hand and make my way to the door. 'Rosemarie Hathaway, don't you turn your back on me!'

And then she says something stupid, really stupid, just like that. I turn and glare; I show everything in that glare. All the hurt, pain and disappointment. I let it out through my eyes as they set on her and I release. _'You?_ Turn my back on you? I-I didn't abandoned my six year old daughter because some guy didn't want to be with me! You-fuck! You are so selfish, mom!'

It's hard to breathe now. It's like this constricting hand has this tight grip around my throat and my eyes water because the will to cry makes me mad at her even more. I didn't want to cry in front of her, she didn't deserve my tears or pain. She didn't deserve anything from us if we weren't enough for her to love.

'You don't leave because one person doesn't love you!' She doesn't say anything as I scream at the top of my lungs to her. She just watches as all the emotions as they are poured out of me in this angry way. 'You stick around for the other people that do! The people you're supposed to love, no matter what!'

And that's when I finally do turn my back on her and leave.

**...**

Last night I didn't get very much sleep and I also didn't get time to call Dimitri. I'm pretty sure he knew I had called since it would come up on his phone but he didn't call back. I ended up with Meredith in my bed after she woke up from all the shouting me and my mother did. She didn't say anything; she just knocked on my door and climbed into bed with me then went right to sleep.

I couldn't stop the tears as they silently rolled down my cheeks though. I was so tired and frustrated and I just wanted to sleep in this morning but I had things to do. I had to find a job now that I was home for good. So I got up and took Meredith to school, and now I'm sitting at a table in the back of the cafe I worked at before I left for school.

The owner, Ms. Voda, was really kind and told me I could come back to work for her any time I wanted to. So I was hoping I could take a full time shift now that I had Meredith.

The cafe was the same as it was before, nothing really changed except for the fact that Mason was at base now, so he wouldn't be sneaking coffee cake every five minutes. It was weird when he told me he and Eddie enlisted and wanted to be marines. I laughed at first because I thought he was high but when his serious expression didn't fall, I knew he meant it. Who would've thought two stoners I went to high school with were making men out of themselves.

'Rose?' I was still off in la la land remembering my time working here with Mase when a small familiar voice snapped me out of it.

'Lissa?' The surprise comes out strongly in my voice as I take in the pink apron she was wearing. The sticker name tag on her chest and the dumbstruck look on her face. Holy balls, Vasilisa Dragomir worked here.

'Hey, ho-how are you? How's Meredith, I heard you were back in town.' I'm a little baffled at her genuine questions but I just shake my head out of it and smile slightly.

'I'm good, I guess. Um, yeah, Meredith's at school right now...' She smiles and then pulls out the chair across from me to sit, like we were old friends or something. Well, I guess we were once. 'What are you doing here? I mean, you-you work here now?'

She nods and smiles confirming my question. 'Yeah. Yeah, I uh came back home about two months ago.'

She doesn't say anything else and I question whether or not to ask her, but go for it anyway. 'I thought you were at Lehigh, isn't that where you planned to go for like ever?'

She nods again and then moves some hair back around her ears. She takes a breath and looks to the table before speaking but when she does, I'm even more surprised at her honesty. 'Yeah, I was actually. I uh, I had to leave that life though, you know? My dad wanted me to study political science and I wanted something near the medical field. When I asked him if I could transfer to California, he just about flipped and wanted to control everything. So I just left school and the house, moved in with Andre and his fiancée.'

I nod in understanding and there are a few awkward minutes of silence between us. I remember the way we left things back in high school, they weren't very great. But before that me and Lissa were pretty much sisters. We had been best friends since kindergarten and then high school came around and changed everything completely. She clears her throat to throw off the tension. 'So what about you, my mother heard from Alberta that you moved back home?'

I nod at the obvious question. I take a drink from the hot chocolate I ordered to try and fill the awkward space but all too soon she's still waiting for an answer. 'Yeah, I had to come back and take of some things.'

She nods and once again pulls her hair back behind her ears, a nervous habit she must have picked up. 'Are you-um are you still with that guy, Dimitri, right? The tall one who worked at the bookstore?' I lick my lips, my own nervous habit occurring and avoid her eyes to look down at the table. And like back when we were younger and still friends, she understood. 'Oh, bad subject to bring up. Sorry.'

I laugh a little and nod silently. 'It's okay. We actually, we're just giving each other some time to think and stuff.'

I caught myself wondering who exactly I was trying to convince, her or myself. She didn't say anything but nodded anyway then changed the subject. 'So, Priscilla is going to let you come back full time?' I nod and she smiles while reaching over to tap my hand. 'Cool. I'm glad, I was about ready for a mental breakdown when we get all those coffee fiends in the morning rush.'

We laugh as Ms. Voda approaches and smiles to both of us. 'Oh, good, my girls are already getting along, wonderful! That means we'll have a good work environment and more positive energy than negative. Rose, you start tomorrow, the morning shift trough the evening and I might have you close a couple nights.'

I nod and smile thankfully, needing the hours and money in order for me and Meredith to survive. I would've had the manager position when I worked here before but I didn't want to exhaust myself before starting school. Who knows maybe now that I'm back here, I can get promoted and coffee cake and beans will become my unset career, since I couldn't seem to find one in school.

Ms. Voda claps her hands and then goes off serving a costumer and going on about what tea was for headaches and how yoga saved her life. She was one awesome lady and super kind but she was one of those ladies who believed herbs and tea could cure everything. And you better come to work with positive energy or else the day was just going to hell. No wonder she and Mase got along so well, he liked herbs too.

'So, it looks like we'll be working together now. Who knows maybe we can let go of the past and get back to being friends like we once were...' There's so much hope in her jade green eyes, there's no way I can crush it. And she was right, we would be working together now and it would be a lot easier if things weren't awkward or messy.

And in the back of my mind, I too wanted the friendship we once had. If I'm honest I could use it. I needed some kind of distraction from everything that's been going on and a friend who didn't know any of it, seem like the perfect thing.

I smile and nod at her as her eyes shine with joy. 'Yeah, that actually would be good, Liss.'

**Next chapter: Dimitri. I'll let you review now, if you want to that is. (;**


	6. Chapter 6

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 6:** The heart is full and now it's spilling.

'This doesn't make any goddam sense, Rosemarie; I'm home most of the day anyway!'

After my long minute of me not responding, she scoffs and continues ranting. 'You're just being stubborn and punishing me for making a mistake, one which I've already apologized for!'

To Meredith maybe but she never apologize to me for leaving. And like I would be dumb enough to just let an apology make everything okay again, yeah right. I may have born at night but not last night. I don't say anything though; instead I just keep ignoring her and continue cleaning up the house. You would think since she was home all day like she said, she would've thought to clean up but no, she waits for me to get home from work to do that. 'Will you just hear me out about it; I'm trying here, Rosemarie!'

'You're not trying very hard.' I mumble but she hears, not that I didn't want her to and then she huffs at the door way of the kitchen as I begin washing dishes.

'You know you're only inconveniencing Alberta that woman is old and we shouldn't be throwing Meredith on her like that!' Oh, the hypocrisy that has just spewed out of her mouth.

I stop to actually turn around and face her as I say my next comment. 'Alberta is only a year older than you and _we?_ Really?' I turn back around and continue calmly washing pots and pans as she takes a calming breath but then goes right back to her ranting. She didn't like that I had Alberta picking up Mer from school and keeping her until I got off of work. Tough shit, it's not like I was going to leave Mer with her. If Alberta had said no I would've found someone else to do it. My mother obviously didn't comprehend anything I said to her that night she came home.

It's been like this since she got home, I would come back from work and she would pick a fight about something little. She was doing it on purpose and she was doing it in front of Mer intentionally. She only had a few days left to find a place to stay and I took the liberty of reminding her about it every chance I got. However, my patience was a ticking time bomb and I couldn't wait until it was just me and Mer. These past two days have taken a lot out of me, getting Mer used to the new routine, working long hours and getting used to it myself. It seemed I had no time for anything, not even a call to Dimitri which I really wanted to do right now.

It was like every chance I got to pick up the phone something or someone would take up my time. I had thought to text him but what would I start with? I wanted to talk to _him_ not text. I knew there was a lot we both wanted to say and I wanted time for it. I wanted to hear his voice more than anything as well.

'You know what; I'm not going to do this with you, Rosemarie. Meredith is my daughter and I am the mom, you will do as I say!' I roll my eyes at her raising voice and hope Mer still got her headphones on.

Meredith was watching a movie on the tablet Olena had got her for her birthday. Only with my mother's voice getting louder; I knew what it would lead to and I didn't want Mer to experience another argument like the one last night. That one was bad but I calmed things down so it wouldn't get any worse, but I only have so much patience and Janine was really pushing me today. 'You forget, mom, you lost all those rights when you left on your binger, remember?' Of course, I learned that bringing up this little fact made Janine very angry, very quickly.

So I used it to my advantage, anything to get her off my back. She sighs frustratingly again and this time folding her arms across her chest as she glares at me. I was too calm though and I was trying very hard not to fall for the bait she kept putting out there.

'Oh, here we go again with this! You know, Rosemarie, I think you keep rubbing that in my face just to make me feel bad-'

'You should feel bad; you should feel like shit actually. You know, some half assed apology to Meredith isn't going to just magically make everything okay again! You-' I take a breath to calm myself noticing my voice rising as well. I didn't want to make a big deal out of this in front of Meredith but this is exactly what my mother wanted. She wanted pity, for someone to feel bad for her and Meredith was her target. I hated that, I hated the hold she had over my little sister. Meredith's huge heart was going to make everything worse one of these days, I just knew it.

'The arrangements have already been made and I'm not going to leave Meredith with you, not now and not ever. She is fine with Alberta and that's it, subject dropped.' I leave the kitchen and notice Mer still sitting on the couch with her headphones on.

I'm not sure if she heard us or not but I don't ask. I just pull the headphones off and tell her it's time for a bath and she follows me to the restroom. Once the tub is full and her hair clean, I give her a few minutes for herself in the restroom and head to her room for fresh pj's. It had taken a while and we're still working on it but Mer's fear of being alone in the tub has drastically calmed down. Now I think she was more afraid of being left alone in other ways, not thanks to our mother. I was trying every which way to avoid arguing with Janine but she likes to push, especially when things don't go her way.

I hear her in the doorway of Mer's room but resume ignoring her as she speaks. 'I don't know how many times I have to apologize for you to understand how sorry I am, Rosemarie. If you would just take a minute to listen to me and hear me out, then maybe things won't be like this all the time.' I roll my eyes as I grab Mer some clothes from her closet and make my way past Janine in the doorway but she grabs my arm turning me to face her. 'I thought we were going to try this again? To make everything better, you said-you said I could still be in her life, you told me-'

I pull my arm from hers tired of the same old argument and pleads she's been bringing up. 'I told you there were changes you have to make to earn to be in her life and you know what, I haven't seen one single thing change about you. Just drop it already and leave me alone.'

I get passed her and head for the restroom but like the drama queen she is, she starts the water works and follows me. 'Rosemarie, please? I'm trying my hardest...'

'To what? Annoy me, well, it's working maybe you should put all that effort into sobering up.' In the bathroom now, Mer knows full well that we are at it again and sadness graces her face.

'Roses, are you and mommy fighting again?' I shake my head no and then Mer looks in back of me to my mother. 'Then why is mommy crying?'

I let a deep sigh full of frustration, exhaustion and annoyance before turning to my mother and pleading with my eyes for her to let it go. 'We are not fighting, right?'

Janine wipes her eyes and takes a second to reply but as soon as she does, I become angry. 'No, your sister is just being mean to me like always. I've said my sorry's and she's still hasn't forgiven me, Mer bear.' She was good, I'll give her that but she just fucked herself.

I try to take a breath to calm my rising anger but it won't last long. Meredith's eyes soften at my mother and then at me, I avoid them and get her out of the tub drying her off so she could get to bed. I was going to rip Janine a new one and didn't want her to see or hear it. 'Roses, stop being mean to mommy, she said sorry. You promised to not be mad anymore.' And she was right, I did promise her that.

Meredith just didn't understand the game our mother was playing but I did and she wasn't going to win. I help Mer comb her hair and then send her to bed not giving my mother the opportunity for a second alone with her. She was too young for the guilt trip and my mother should've been ashamed of herself for doing it. In the living room, I'm putting Mer's things away ready to head to shower and bed myself when she strikes again. 'You see what your showing her, Rosemarie, that's it's okay to treat her mother this way and to-'

'You know, the guilt trip thing isn't going to work with me, so save it.' I turn back to the couch but realize I'm not done. 'You should be ashamed of yourself, mom, making her think it's okay to abandon your kids and go drinking. That an apology is going to make everything okay again, it's not.'

'And what will, Rose? Yelling at me every chance you get, taking my daughter away from me, punishing me for making a mistake? Is that anyway to make things okay again?' I shake my head no but avoid her eyes walking back to the kitchen to dump the trash.

I get the back door open and turn once I feel her behind me. 'You don't get it do you? Nothing between you and me will ever be okay again!'

With that I slam the door and head for the garbage cans, cursing at myself hoping I didn't wake Meredith. I take some deep breathes to calm myself and avoid another yelling match. I didn't want to give in to my mother's need to fight with me or make herself seem like the good guy in front of Mer. This was exactly what she had wanted and I was feeding into it. Ugh! She was so frustrating. I mean, really, giving Mer the feel sorry for me act?

This woman was just sad and miserable and fucking annoying. So I take a few minutes and calm myself down. I remind myself that this what she was fishing for, Meredith to work some kind of charm on me and I'm supposed to just get over it? Yeah right!

I take a few more breathes and pinch the sides of my nose trying to rid of the headache and exhaustion. I didn't want to go back inside but I wanted to shower and hit the bed because I was completely wiped out. I wanted to call Dimitri just then, to hear his voice tell me everything would be okay and to stay strong. I was seconds away from losing it; I could feel it in my bones. I had forgot my phone inside though and to face the music of going back in there, no thanks.

So with another deep breath, I stop before opening the door and ready myself to ignore my mother and walk straight to my room. I didn't need any of this; there was no room for Janine nonsense.

Unfortunately, once I turn back into the kitchen to close the back door, my frustration falls. The slight calm I had found a minute ago shoots up like a rocket into anger and all I see is red. 'What the fuck are you doing?'

My voice, hollow and scratchy as ever at the disbelief before my eyes sounds. She doesn't do anything, she just freezes. The glass bottle set on her lips and the clear liquid sloshing around like a bomb going off. I think it was the only sound in the room I could hear. It blurred everything else into a silent tension so thick, I almost couldn't breathe.

'I-uh...' The words don't make it out of her mouth. They just freeze like the look on her face when I walked in the house. The bottle barely hangs on her fingers to her side. I watch her eyes shift from surprise to fear to guilt and I have no remorse for her whatsoever. 'Rose, I... I didn't-'

She can't seem to talk and I take full advantage of the opportunity. 'Get out.' My voice comes out so low I almost don't hear it. 'Just get out.'

Again, her eyes shift from surprise to fear and I know it's from the look on my face. 'Rose-I... I didn't mean-you... You just took so long to come back inside, I thought you weren't-'

'I wasn't, what, going to come back? I wasn't going to catch you sneaking a few drinks from your stash?' My voice suddenly rises with anger. I forget about the sleeping kid in the house, the neighbors next door and the small little voice in my head that's telling me to calm down. I just focus all my attention on my mother and the bottle of vodka hanging from her hand.

She moves to place the bottle on the counter and then stretches her hands out in a calming manner. I was way past calming though. 'I said to get the fuck out!'

She flinched at my snap but remains in her position and all I can feel is the surge of anger. It was like this huge wave coursing through me in fast rush. 'Rosemarie, please, let's just talk about this. I'll get help, I swear, Rose, I'll do it this time! I'll start there until I'm sober and back to myself again, I swear it! I promise, Rosemarie, please!'

She kept ranting off but nothing she said was making any sense to me. Her mouth kept moving but I couldn't make out the words or hear them. All I heard was empty promises after empty promises, pleads to give her another chance and forgive her for being so weak but why? Why would I forgive her for anything she has put me and Meredith through?

I had no answer for the question and I honestly didn't care anymore. I just wanted her gone before I lost it, before I really blew up with all these swimming emotions trapped inside of me. She was still talking though and she wouldn't shut up. It was like a noise, this never ending everlasting loud irritating noise that just wouldn't stop sounding. It was giving me an even worse headache, pushing this silent rage inside of me to the top and any minute now it was going pour out like a broken faucet.

All this trapped rage and frustration final cracks as she was still begging me to stay and two steps toward the counter, the bottle is in my hand and thrown hard into the wall to the side of us.

It shatters loud and into a million little pieces all over the kitchen floor. It was kind of like my life, really, the way everything was perfect and then boom; shattered to pieces. And it was because of her, because of how selfish she was and how she never put her children first. I had had enough and this time there was no one else to consider, Meredith or not, Janine was gone.

'Rosemarie, please, please, please! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please!' The tears leaked down her face, they were real this time but they didn't mean anything to me. 'Rose, please! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I just can't-I can't do it alone! I'm weak! I'm so weak-' I don't even let her finish, trying my hardest to shut off the irritating noise.

'Leave! Get out, get the fuck out!' My scream ends with her silence and my throat sore from the outburst. Finally, the noise is gone.

And with that she makes her way to the living room and grabs her purse.

'Mommy?' Meredith's voice snaps me out of the hulk rage I was stuck in and all eyes are on her.

We had woke her up or she never really fell asleep, whatever. The point was now that she had seen too much, heard too much and this, this was going to hurt her so much. I snap to it and get to her as fast as I could. Their eyes meet, Janine's an empty blue of slight shock and Meredith's; this glossy dim despair covering her innocent eyes. 'Mommy!' She fights against my hold as Janine gathers her unpacked duffle bag from behind the couch and with a last pleading look to me, she heads for the door. 'Mommy, wait!'

Meredith tries to escape me but I hold tighter. She struggles and struggles as my mother slowly opens the door and walks through. The warmth of the evening entering the door like a haze as she looks back and closes her eyes tightly. 'Mommy, wait! Mama!' Mer's voice waves as she begins crying and I try my best not to let her go. The door closes with a soft snap and then that was it; she was gone.

Meredith cries and cries, and continues to struggle against me. I hold her close, her back to my front and I try to calm her. She cries hard and loud, still moving to escape me but my hold doesn't falter. I don't let her go but my hold loosens and at that Meredith pushes away from me angrily.

'Why did you do that, Roses, why did you make mommy leave!' Her anger making me choke up at the sight of her tears. She was unhappy with me and I hated that. I try to bring her back into my arms but she pulls away and steps further away from me. 'Why did you do that, Roses? Why did mommy have to leave! Why did you make her leave us again?'

I reach for her once more only to be swung at as a warning not to do it again.'Mer, please, just come here, please?' Now I was the one begging, the irony.

She sniffles and wipes her eyes before more tears fall and then she can't control her sobs anymore. I want to reach for her again but I hold back. In all the time that she's been alive, I have never been denied a hug from my little sister, and the notion hurts. I fight the lump in my throat and swallow it whole. I couldn't crack now, she needed me, and she needed the comfort. If she would just let me give it to her and show her, this was for the best.

For her. 'Mer, please?'

I'm a lot calmer now and my rage has been washed out at the sight of my little sister's pain. However, Meredith was a brewing storm and it was aimed toward me. 'I hate you! I hate you, Roses, you made mommy leave! I hate you!' She screams and as a reaction I reach for her again but she dodges it.

'You made her leave us again! I hate you!' She screams down the hallway and I'm up following her to her room but the door is slammed right in front of my face.

The boom is loud and the ending of her rant but it doesn't lessen the pain. It doesn't make me feel any better but what could I do? She was hurt and it sucks thugs had to be this way but I was left with no choice. The realization punches me and I fall to my knees in front of her door. 'Mer, please open the door… Meredith, please, just open the door and talk to me, please!' My voice cracks with emotion and I hold back from crying.

'No, go away! I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone!' Her small voice comes through the door so strong and I have to take a breath so I don't fall apart.

I hated making her unhappy, I hated hurting her this way but I couldn't avoid it. If my mother would have just kept her word and followed through things would be so different right now. I wouldn't be cracking at the surface and Mer wouldn't be hurting and mad at me. Everything would be back to the way it was before and we would be happy. We would be okay, but life was never that easy. At least not for me and it seemed like it never would be. The thoughts circle in my head and I turn to sit with my back against her bedroom door. I take some deep breathes as I hear her crying in her room and try to stay strong.

It was just so hard, so _so_ hard. I sit in silence for now and listen as Meredith soft cries sound through the door. I hated myself right now; I hated taking something or someone away from her who she loved. It had to be done though; it was the only way to move forward. And we have to move forward, we have to. Bad things happen and you learn from them, you learn not to make the same mistake again. I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

It was only a second after the thought occurred that the doorbell rings.

I look through the hallway and hope it wasn't my mother coming back; we didn't need a round two right now. I sigh and hang my head to my chest, tired and holding everything in as much as I possibly could and it wasn't much. I take another breath and stand as the doorbell goes off again and slowly, exhaustedly make my way to the front door.

The lock clicks, the door squeaks open and the image in front of me is truly a sight for sore eyes. A breaking gasp escapes me as I take him in; tall and lean, strong jawed and those eyes... those eyes, I could swim in forever.

'Roza.'

I don't even say anything in reply as his soft whispered accent comes out. I just fall right into his strong arms; I take comfort in the softness of his body and the strength he holds me with. And that's when I finally break. When all the emotions come pouring out of me in a rush. I didn't understand it, not one tiny bit. How the hell did he know? How did he know I needed him? It was like this unconscious signal maybe? A spider sense of some sort. I didn't know but he knew, he knew that I needed him at that precise moment.

And then bam; here he is.

'How did you-how did you know?' I squeeze him to me as tight as I possibly could. The tears falling freely down my face making my voice shake with emotion. 'How did you know I needed you?'

He takes a deep breath and releases it relived somehow, I think. He grips my body tighter in his arms and squeezes right back. 'I didn't. I didn't know, Roza, I just- it's just when you called I debated about calling you back… I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was haunting me. So finally I just hopped in the truck and drove here. I took too long, I know that and I'm sorry.'

I'm already shaking my head no at his assumption. He couldn't have showed up a better time, it was perfect really. 'No, you got here right on time, Comrade, right on time.'

At that, we stopped talking and he carried me inside since all my limbs attached themselves directly to his body. He kisses me lightly on the head as he makes his way to my room and almost too quiet whispers shoot off in Russian. And once we're in there, I'm placed on my bed and he holds me as I cry into a much needed sleep.

**...**

The morning comes with the brightest of sunshine. It crawls through the cracked open curtains of the window and streams into the room. It's almost too bright to see but that could be because I was crying my eyes out for what seemed like the whole night.

I wake up with the familiar scent of aftershave on my pillow and inhale the smell, missing it for much too long. I lie in the moment and close my eyes. This wasn't a dream, he was really here and all that with my mother had really happened. And Meredith, well, she said she hated me. I know she didn't mean it and it was out of the pain of watching my mother leave but I still felt the words. Everything and anything I do was to make her life better. To make her childhood better than the one I had and even though it caused her pain, I would hope in the long run she would understand.

'Dimitri!' Speaking of Meredith, her high joyful voice sounds throughout the house and I rise to get out of bed.

After washing up, I make my way down the hall and smile at the two voices coming into the hallway from the kitchen. 'Hey, are you getting taller?'

'Yeah and I'm better at skateboarding too!' Dimitri's deep laugh sounds at this and I stop just before the turn into the kitchen to listen to their conversation.

'Yeah?'

'Yup! I can do a trick too!' It was just like old times, back before everything went to shit. 'Where have you been, I missed you?'

Meredith's voice has that caring tone back in it and I know I won't hear it once she sees me. 'I've been at school and I've missed you too. So much, Meredith.'

'Really? How come you didn't come back with, Roses?'

Dimitri takes a minute to answer her but does it truthfully when he finally talked. 'I couldn't. I got kind of busy with school and other things. I'm very sorry I haven't come to see you or skate with you though.'

'It's okay; just don't go away for a long time like that again, okay?' I can hear the emotion in her voice; she missed him about as much as I did.

'I will try my best.'

'Promise?' He laughs once again and I take a small step forward to catch them in a pinky swear.

'I promise.' I swallow hard, hoping he could keep his word to her since our own mother couldn't. 'Hey...'

I smile sadly and connect with his eyes. The moment I do every emotion shines in his and I'm pretty sure in mine too. We didn't have to talk now but I knew he was waiting for me to explain my melt down last night. He was just giving me time to breathe, which I needed since I'd have to face the wrath of my six year old sister. 'Hey. Mer, did you need any help picking out your clothes, you've got school in a while?'

She doesn't say anything to me. Nope, instead she just reaches for Dimitri's arm as he was next to her at the table and he bends down for her to whisper in his ear. He nods twice before she let's him go and then looks to me apologetically.

A clear of his throat almost makes me want to laugh at Mer's action but I don't. 'Meredith says she doesn't need any help this morning and that she would like for me to take her and pick her up from school.' Meredith pulls him back down before I can reply and whispers to him once more. 'She also says that since she is very upset with you, she will no longer be speaking to you until she feels like it.'

'Figures.' I say nodding to her and then heading back to my room to dress.

'So what happen, why isn't she talking to you?' He sits in my bed as I ready myself for work.

Since he was taking Mer to school for me, I have some extra time before having to be at work and I needed the time to prepare myself from all the emotions of last night. 'I kicked my mom out of the house last night.' He's quiet as I watch him through the mirror and await his reaction.

'Can I ask why?' I nod and finish my hair before turning around to join him on my bed.

'I caught her drinking.' I laugh but with no humor. 'She had the bottle tipped over and ready to go. I walked in on her and lost it, she had been trying to argue with me earlier and I was-I just... I couldn't put up with it anymore, you know?'

He nods and moves some of my hair behind my ear. His eyes linger on mine and I want to lean in to kiss him but I don't. That would complicate things and we weren't ready to go there yet. I knew eventually we would but right now I had to get this situation handled first. I hate to do it but I cut off the tension and get up from the bed, his eyes follow my every move but I don't look back to him. 'I have to clean the mess in the kitchen and get to work...'

He nods and rises to follow me, walking down the hallway of my home has never felt so odd. But when get to the kitchen I notice the glass and mess all cleaned up. I turn to ask him but he's already nodding at me. 'I got up and cleaned it. I didn't want Meredith to walk on it when she came in for breakfast.' The want to kiss him occurs again but I just nod a thank you and turn away.

He drops me off at work and the awkward move I do to lean in for a kiss before getting out of the truck is still playing over in my mind. I leaned in but moved away before he decided what to do and then I hoped out of that truck like it was on fire. It was the weirdest oddest most uncomfortable moment that has ever occurred between us.

**...**

'So you're going to USC?'

Lissa nods as we clean off the few tables in the cafe from the morning coffee rush. 'Yeah, I applied to Stanford but after the whole thing with my father and him refusing to help me, I had to settle for USC. I don't mind it's still in California and that where I want to be.'

I nod as she goes off about her plans for college. I wasn't trying to be rude by ignoring her but my thoughts have been a little scrambled from the events of the past twenty-four hours. I tried to busy myself with work but with Lissa here everything gets done a lot faster and then there's nothing else left to do but wait for people to come in. I wonder how Meredith is doing and if she's okay at school. I was expecting her to still be upset with me but to not talk to me at all was kind of a surprise. I think I deserved it though, she didn't want me to fight with Janine but I couldn't help it. I had to do what was right for her, for the both of us.

I couldn't have my mother there drinking away her sorrows and thinking it was okay because Meredith forgave her. I didn't and I wouldn't have her around Mer if I felt it wasn't healthy.

And then my thoughts drift to my mother. I don't know why exactly but she didn't even hesitate to go back to her ways. Once again something didn't go her way and as soon as I was outside, the bottle was in her hand. I knew I should've searched the house when she came back but I didn't. All I knew was that I was threw giving chances for Meredith or anybody else. My little sister didn't deserve what Janine was doing to her and the relief I felt as soon as she walked out that door came in tides.

It was for the greater good; for Meredith's sake and I had to keep reminding myself that that's why she was mad at me. I was sure she would understand when she was a little older. She would thank me somewhere down the line and realize what I did was the right thing to do. At least I hoped she would. 'Rose!'

My eyes snap to Lissa as she watches me curiously through her jade green eyes. 'Are you okay? You kind of zoned out there for a little bit.'

I throw her a barely there smile and nod, as we move to the next few tables. It gets quiet for a few minutes and I can feel her eyes all over me. I don't say anything though, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about all this with Lissa. I had hid so much from her back in high school and the way she found out wasn't very pleasant.

'Are you sure because you've been kind of quiet all morning. If you-if you want to talk, we can...' I didn't know if I was ready for this part of the friendship yet.

And I wasn't sure I wanted to air out my drama so suddenly to Lissa, it's only been three days. A lot of unsure feelings surround me and I take that as it being too soon to confide in her just yet. So I try to bring it the focus back onto her 'So why California?'

She gives me an odd expression at the question but still answers. 'I don't know, Andre went there the summer before college and always talked about how great it was. He said everyone should go to the beaches there at least once in their life, so I thought why not go to college there. Also there's good medical programs there and that's what I want to get into.'

I nod and try to push back the circling thoughts of last night to the back of my mind. However, unlike me, Lissa had a plan for her future and in California no less. From what Christian and Jill would tell me it was a great place to live. There was always nice weather and different people and cultures. It sounded like a cool place to visit and Mer even asked if we could go there one day. The thought of her slams me back into that robotic state and I barely pay attention to a talking Lissa. I try to snap out of it, catching every other word but I couldn't focus and that was being rude. I did want to our friendship to build back up again.

So shaking my head to pull all the focus I could muster up, I finally comprehend what she was talking about. 'The thing is once I get there, I'll pretty much be on my own, you know? I mean, it's not a bad thing necessarily but it would be cool to know at least one person. So I'm not a complete loner.'

She laughs it off as I return a polite smile. 'You make friends easily though, well, you did high school anyway. I'm sure you'll be fine.' She nods again and then leaves after wiping the table down for me to dry.

As she fixes things around the register, my mind seems to click into action. Remembering Christian and Jill, and California, 'Hey, you know what, I actually know someone at USC...'

Lissa's head snaps up to meet my eyes quickly and she looks to me with curiosity. 'Really, who?'

'Christian Ozera. You remember him, right? He used to hang out with me and Dimitri?' She takes a long minute to rewind back and try to figure out who I'm talking about.

And then it clicks. 'Oh, yeah! He was my tutor for chem and my lab partner. Well, he was kind of my tutor; I sort of took advantage of him and that whole situation.'

I laugh slightly and nod in agreement remembering how obsessed he used to be over Lissa. That was before he consumed himself with Jill and they tried their hand at whatever it was they tried. 'If you want I could get a hold of him and ask him to help you out...'

Lissa takes a moment and thinks it through for a few minutes. I give her the space to do so and try not think about everything swirling around in my head. This was good progress for our relationship and I didn't want to start off badly by shutting her out with my drama. 'You know what, that would be such a big help, Rose. I'm going to need some kind of help. I'll be in a new state, on a new schedule and actually knowing someone there couldn't hurt, I guess.' I smile and we continue to work.

It was nearing my break and I was actually thinking about meeting up with Dimitri so we could talk and what not. It turns out I didn't really have to do anything since he just showed up to the cafe.

I was in the back room taking inventory when Lissa clears her throat popping her head in the doorway. 'Um, Rose?'

I turn and watch as her face contorts in slight panic but more confusion. She points behind her and her voice lowers to a whisper. 'Um, there's a really tall ex-boyfriend asking for you and I know you said you guys broke up. So if you want, I could like tell him to leave...' I smile at her expression and turn back around to place the clipboard on Ms. Voda's desk as Lissa keeps talking. 'Or I could even like make up some huge lie about you being back here with like some hot guy, and you guys are like rolling around naked on some coffee beans. You know, strike up some jealousy, maybe...'

I laugh this time and shake my head at her. 'Liss, it's okay. We're um-we're talking again... well, for the moment at least but thanks for the kind offer.' She nods and then leaves the door but comes right back again.

'Are you sure because I'll tell him, Rose, I will.' I laugh again and shake my head no as we both walk out of the back room.

He stood with his hands in his jean pockets and this calm but slightly worried expression graced his face. Once I'm around the counter and heading right to him our eyes catch and he smiles kindly. 'I'm going to take my break, Liss.'

She nods an okay as I follow Dimitri outside to sit at one of the tables outside the cafe. The umbrella shades us from the heat of the day but it shadows half of Dimitri's face since he's so tall. It's quiet for a few seconds before anyone says anything but he bravely speaks first. He clears his throat and moves his hands onto the tabletop.' I was driving around and I remembered you usually get a break before the lunch rush comes in.'

I nod and remember all the lunch dates we had prior break up and the leaving of college. They were some good times and sometimes it would just be me and him since Mer was off with Viktoria or somewhere. He would always bring me black bread or whatever his mother made and we would sit here and laugh or just enjoy each other's company.

Now it was completely different and I kind of didn't like the vibe. It was this awkward tension that seemed to appear out of thin air. I mean, last night we both slept in my bed and held onto each other the whole time. It was just like he had once promised me, he would always be there for me and I think he was trying to prove that again. So why did everything seem so awkward now?

He takes a deep breath and releases it slowly before speaking once more. 'Are you-are you okay?'

I sigh and shrug, 'I don't know... I kind of was going through the motions of the day, not really paying attention to anything. I keep thinking about Meredith and if she's alright.' He nods and leaves on arm on the table. I hesitate at first but then move my arm across the table to grasp his hand with a light squeeze. 'Thanks for being there, for showing up and letting me cry like a big baby all over you.'

I try to laugh it off but he doesn't. He just squeezes my hand back and holds it in his warm strong one. 'You're welcome, Roza. And don't worry too much about Meredith; I don't think she will last long with the silent treatment.'

The familiar sound of my name puts an ache in my heart. I had missed him so much these last few weeks and now that he's here I don't know what exactly to do. I want to hug him and then I don't. I want stretch across the table and feel his lips on mine but then I don't want to push anything on him. I didn't want to make things worse between us, for now I would just take whatever comfort he would give me.

He breathes deeply again and then holds my hand a little tighter. 'I know that you're going through a lot right now, and talking about us is the last thing you need at the moment. However, I just wanted you to know that I'm okay with waiting...' I nod understanding what he meant. He licks his lips before talking again and I fight the urge to go straight for a kiss. 'I don't want to pressure you, Roza. It's just that I've had a lot of time to think, like you asked me to and I'm ready to figure things out between us. But as I said, I'll wait. For as long as it takes, I'll wait.'

The words make me want to cry again but I swore off all tears until I got home. 'Thank you, again.' I laugh and this time I get a caring genuine smile from him. I picture it throughout the rest of the day.

The day seemed to drag on or maybe I was just in a hurry to get home to Mer, who I hoped would forgive me soon. But it's Lissa's words that stick with me as I'm closing up the cafe and ready to head home. They stumped me for some reason, like I couldn't believe the Lissa Dragomir was saying them and let alone to me.

'You know, I used to be sort of jealous of you back in school. It was stupid, really.' She laughs it off but my curiosity rises.

'Of me, why?' I say as we stack chairs onto the tables about ready to clean before I closed up.

She shrugs and doesn't face me as she replies. 'I don't know, you got with him and you were like this ray of sunshine. I've never seen you so happy like that before, not even before we got to high school.'

'Really?' She nods to me but still avoids facing me.

'Yeah. And then I'd watch you two together and I kind of envied you after that... It was like you didn't care anymore or at least, you didn't show it. I don't know, Rose, he like changed something in you. He made you seem, I don't know, alive?'

I didn't get what she was saying at first but then slowly I remembered the feeling I would get when I first got with Dimitri. That feeling of not caring and not hiding from him or anyone else after that. I realize I truly was happy even though my home life was still shit. She was right; he changed something within me and made me a better person. How could I have ever doubted him?

She shrugs again and then finally faces me. 'I don't know, I wanted that, you know? I wanted to not care and just be myself. I wanted to have my own happiness the way you did.'

'Well, you got it now, right?' She nods with a bright smile. 'Just make sure to hold onto it. No matter what because it could easily be taken from you, in a snap.'

**Dimitri lovers, you're welcome! (;**


	7. Chapter 7

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 7:** The moment when a memory aches.

**...Three Days Before Rose Left School...**

_'Um, yeah, I'll let you know when and everything. Can you-um can you tell Meredith I'll call her later? Okay, thanks, Alberta.'_

_I end the call with heavy sigh and lie back on my bed cell phone still in hand. I clutch it with some last hope that Alberta would call me back and tell me never mind, not to go back home. To cancel my withdraw from school and I wouldn't have only seventy-two hours left to be here. That this was all just a dream, an illusion.__Unfortunately, it wasn't and this was as real as it gets. I really didn't need this right now, especially when the only stable thing in my life seems to be falling apart and there was nothing I could do about it. At least, not anymore. I had had many fears before coming to college and the majority of them weren't likely to happen but this one, this one fear I was afraid of more than any other: it was alive and happening._

_I had never thought the relationship between me and Dimitri could ever crumble. It was too stable, too grounded; we weren't like the normal couples on campus. We were different, strong and bounded together by something much more powerful than attraction. What we had surpassed the high school sweethearts who went to college together norm. We had love and it was a real, heartfelt, strong love that we would fight for. That we have fought for and now it was, well, it was fading._

_And the truth was it was both of our faults._

_We had let things, people and fears get in between us. I was unsure about my future and where I wanted to take my life. He was too stuck in his future to look at the present, what he had now at this very moment. And he had let someone come between us. A fear I had more than ever because I didn't know what to do about it.__And now I would never know what I could have done because now, I had another fear come true; my mother._

_A tired sigh escapes me as I close my eyes tightly trying to ignore the headache that was occurring. A jingle of keys and the lock moving causes me to open my eyes just as Sydney walks into the room. 'Hey!' She's got books clutched to her chest and her blonde hair still flat ironed to perfection, even in the late afternoon._

_'Hey, Sydney.' I don't move from my position on the bed as she scrambles about in our small dorm room._

_'So, I met up with Ivan in the student lounge and he says there's this party tonight at some sorority house. I guess it's one of his girls party or something, anyway, he said we should go... there's a beer pong tournament, I'm sure you and Dimitri can dominate.'_

_A light smile grades my face as she mentions beer pong. The before Sydney would never even think twice about going to a party and never even talk of playing a game that involved alcohol. The before Sydney would've quoted a bible saying and then glared at me as I got ready, like that was supposed to make me not want to go. She goes about her text books that were tossed on her bed and ready's her Mac book for another homework session but I don't say anything._ _I don't even move as I close my eyes once again and am reminded of how my life has taken this shitty turn into suckville. 'Hey, did you happen to catch the essay topic in English, I wrote it down somewhere but now I can't find the paper!' She sits on her bed searching her book bag._

_It was common for us to help each other in English Lit. I had it a day before she did and we would help each other on the essay's since the professor used them as a huge part of our grade. I didn't even bother writing it down yesterday since the night before, I had received Alberta's life altering phone call and then withdrew from all my classes this morning.__'Um, no, I didn't write it down.' My voice sounds hollow and tired which is exactly how I feel._

_'Why not, it's part of the midterm, you know? I'll help you on it if you need me to...' The thing I liked about Sydney was that she was always willing to help people, even if you didn't actually ask for it. 'When I find the paper we can compare notes and stuff, get started on it... if I ever find the damn thing!'_

_Another thing I try to smile at was that since meeting her she has picked up on my habit of cursing. The first few weeks school started Sydney would glare and lecture me every time a curse word left my mouth, but now she was almost as bad as me. Almost. She still refused to use shit, son of a bitch and fuck, which was one of my personal favorites._

_'Um, no that's okay; I don't need to do it.' This stops her with her movements. There was nothing worse than Sydney finding out someone wasn't doing what they were supposed to do, especially when it came to school.__She may be a heathen now for hanging out with me so much now but she was still serious about her schooling. 'What do you mean you don't need to do it? It's part of the midterm, Rose; we kind of have to do it.'_

_There's a long pause of silence as I ponder over how to tell her the news of my departure but I must have been taking too long for her. She finally turns to face me, 'Rose?'_

_'Yeah?' I mumble._

_Sydney gets up from her bed and takes the one small step across the floor to sit on mine, with her hands folded neatly in her lap. 'Why aren't you going to do the assignment? I told you I'd help you...'_

_Her hopeful voice gets me to finally sit up and I sigh again in tired frustration. I shrug and stand to get ready for bed, since all I felt like doing was closing my eyes and fading off to sleep. 'I know, it's just I don't need to do it after all and I'm not going back to class anyway.'_

_Her face shoots off in a confused but slightly concerned expression and I sit at my desk to take off my shoes. 'What are you talking about not going back to class? I thought you needed to pass it for your general Ed credits?'__I nod and then my head falls into my hands and I run my fingers tiredly through my hair, a habit I picked up when I was just about ready to top over from studying. Or when I was really stressed about something. Sydney, the smart perceptive awesome roommate that she is, picks up on it. She moves to the end of my bed closer to me and squeezes my knee lightly. 'Hey, Rose, what's up? You okay?'_

_There's another moment of heavy silence that passes us and in that moment I don't say anything. I didn't know how or what to say really. However, I didn't need to say anything at all because living with Sydney we'd developed some kind of invisible help signal. And we could both sense when the other was using it.__So in effort to relieve the heavy tension in the room, Sydney tries to push the tension away with something that normally would've made me happy. 'Hey, I saw Dimitri in the library earlier...' I nod._

_'Yeah. He and Galina have some lab due and were working on it, again.' Sydney picks up on the way I say again and how it's so full of annoyance. She clears her throat nervously and swallows the attempt of trying to make me happy but my ears perk up in curiosity. 'What?'_

_She shakes her head no but another thing about Sydney was she could never hide her feelings. If she was annoyed you could hear it in her voice, if she was mad you could see on it her face. And if she was holding something in, something she thought would upset or hurt you in any kind of way; she tried her best to keep it from you.__It was like I said though, living with her for these few months has made us closer and I knew she had something to say, something I wouldn't like. 'What is it?'_

_She avoids my eyes and looks to the suddenly so interesting carpet. Her hands move nervously in her lap and her mouth opens and closes like she was unsure of what to say. And it had worried me, never has she ever in the time we've been roommates held back when it came to me and Dimitri. Especially if it was to do with our relationship and all the "fornicating we liked to do so much", her words not mine._

_'Sydney, what is it? Just say it, your freaking me out here...' She takes a deep breath and then releases, still not looking at me._

_'It's just... Well-I...' Another deep breath before she finally looks up and faces me. 'It's just these last couple of times I've seen them in the library, I've noticed something's...'_

_'Okay, what kind of things exactly?' I wait with baited breath._

_This couldn't be the way I find out what I have been afraid of so much recently. This couldn't be it, no way; I had to know Dimitri wouldn't do that to me. We wouldn't let this actually happen. I just wish I could've been the one to catch them so it didn't have to come from anyone else, especially my own roommate.__'I don't know, Rose, you know all that stuff you were worried about? The stuff about possibly being jealous for no reason?' I nod remembering how I confided in Sydney that maybe it was just me._

_That maybe I was the one seeing too much into things and being insecure about my relationship. That the few times I went to library with Dimitri while Galina was there and seeing all the signs she was throwing at him was just a figment of my imagination. That when her name came up that last time me and Dimitri had even a moment to ourselves, a moment where I was dying to be with him in the most intimate of ways, that it was just me being insecure.__I mean, let's face it I had been unsure about a lot of things in the past. I was unsure about trusting my mother and her word of sobriety, of who to let in and who to live without. I was unsure about myself and the life I wanted to live five or ten years from now._

_What if all the signs, flirtations and insecurities were from me? Something I had seen because I was not like Dimitri and watching him take hold of his life and who he wanted to be had put those thoughts into my head.__And then she said these next few words as carefully as ever and I knew; it wasn't just me. 'I think you were right, Rose. I think-I think she does like him more than just a friend.'_

_A small tiny speck of relief hits me; at least it wasn't worst case scenario. Well, at least, not yet anyway. A reason I hadn't brought this up to Dimitri was because I didn't want to sound like some jealous untrusting girlfriend. I trusted him, I trusted him with my life but he didn't need the drama and I had really thought it was just me. But now that Sydney is saying something, confirming all my worries, it was real._

_'Did he-what did you see exactly, Sydney?' I question slowly, working myself up to think the worst wasn't going to help right now._

_She reaches out and squeezes my hand in hers reassuringly, her eyes wide, 'Nothing, Rose, nothing like you're thinking. It's just... It's like every time I see them in there, she's all over him. She sits right next to him, touching his arm and playing with his hair. She-she's like a girl with a crush. I mean, I've heard she likes to flirt but I don't know Rose. That's an awful lot of flirting from someone who knows he has a girlfriend.'__I take a breath and try to calm myself. The truth stirring up an ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sydney sighs, 'I know for a fact he didn't do anything back. I watched them while my study group was there today. He doesn't do anything that he shouldn't be but I just don't think he sees it.'_

_'See what?' I take a deep breath holding back the threatening emotions that want to pour out of me. Don't cry. Don't cry. Do not cry, not yet. I will myself to hold it together. This really couldn't be happening, not now of all times._

_'I don't think he realizes what's going on, what she's doing. I think it's like Ivan says, she flirts and Dimitri he's a good guy, you know? He's not going to think the worst of people or anything. He knows that she knows, he has a girlfriend. He's a guy they're not the smartest of the species, you know?' Her attempt at joking doesn't cross over and I feel like a complete fool. Of course he wouldn't think anything of it, he's Dimitri, and he's anti-social and timid. No girl, other than me, would openly flirt like that with him. And Sydney had a point, Galina knew, she knew that he and I are together. And as his friend, Dimitri expects her to respect that but obviously she doesn't._

_The first few times I was there with them in the library, it was hard to keep our hands to ourselves. We were in love and we were happy, I was happy just to be able to be there with him. We flirted and kissed, laughed and joked around. There were subtle caresses and light kisses to the cheek, silent looks of adoration and even cheesy footsies under the table. And it was in front of her, she sat right there and witnessed it all.__So he had no doubt that she would respect his relationship with me. But then, no, he had to know. How could he not see it?_

_I shake my head more confused than ever, It feels like the air has been sucked out of me and I stand to try and breathe. Sydney stands too and takes hold of my arm to stop my pacing of the small dorm. 'Rose?'_

_'She wants him, I know she does. I can see it. I can feel it when she's around Sydney, so how can he not?' She shakes her head unable to answer and keeps trying to calm me down._

_'Rose, come on just breathe, okay? Try and relax.' She tries to get me to sit back down but I pull my arm from her grasp and continue pacing the room again._

_All my thoughts run through my mind like a movie. 'I mean, with all this time that we're apart and his classes... and the internship the professor recommended him for... Its like-it's splitting us in half! And Alberta!' I come to a stop and face Sydney head on, my mind still swirling around everything that's happen. It was too fast, too soon, we couldn't be back here this soon. Everything was going good for once, right? I had all I ever wanted and this was just, it was just some mistake. This was all some sick twisted joke that someone was pulling on me._

_'Wait, Alberta? Who's that, Rose?' Sydney sits on my bed and watches me carefully, trying to make sense of my mumbling. 'Rose?'_

_I finally take a breath and calm down some. My head hurting from all the revelations and how quickly my life has turned for the worst. She watches and waits for me to answer her and it's then I realize there isn't anything I can do. This is all out of my control now, I have to go home and handle business._

_'Rose, please tell me what in the world you're talking about. What's an Alberta?' She reaches out grasping my hands in hers gently._

_My eyes finally meet hers and I swallow the lump of emotion that was stuck in my throat. 'The call I got the other night... Shes-shes gone. Alberta told me, she left.' Sydney's eyes squint in concentration of what I was trying to say. I beat her to the punch before she can open her mouth and ask me though. 'I have to go home.' It's quiet again and as I reel this over in my head and then I come to a realization, 'I have to tell him. I have to tell him that I'm leaving.'_

_Sydney nods in understanding and then rises to stand in front of me. 'What about the Galina thing, Rose? Are you going to tell him about that, what are you going to do?'__I swallow the lump again or at least try to but it doesn't work. It still feels like it's right there, stuck in my throat, threatening to block all the air from getting to my lungs. And I'm stuck; a rock and a hard place._

_I shrug, 'I have to tell him. I don't know- How do I confront him and then tell him I'm leaving?'_

**...**

_I'm almost asleep and it's pretty late when I hear the light knock on the door. I open my eyes and sigh tiredly, Sydney couldn't be back already. Ivan promised he would continue our mission of getting her drunk. It was the only thing left on her list of rebelling against her parents and I didn't feel like going out tonight with all my drama. So he decided to fill in on my roommate duty._

_I get to the door after another light knock and am slightly surprised at who's behind it. 'Hey.'_

_He smiles sadly and gestures for entrance into the room. I let him in, I didn't want to do this now, and I had just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to get into whatever it was that was going to happen between us now. I was going to wait for the morning since he didn't have a class and we could have more time to talk but I guess not.__He sits on the edge of my bed and I take my desk chair. 'Were you asleep?' I shake my head no in answer._

_As soon as I do his eyes are moving everywhere around the room avoiding mine. He swallows hard and rests his elbows on his knees, we weren't touching and it was driving me crazy. We hadn't talked until the text I got earlier today that he was in the library and the one where I told him I wasn't going with him to the party tonight. He had sent a text back saying he was meeting Galina there._

_'You didn't text me back, I got worried...' True but after reading that he was with her I kind of didn't want to talk to him anymore._

_I don't answer him but only shrug uncaringly. It was all I could do at the moment. I was tired, confused and still thinking over everything going on in my head. I had just wanted to sleep tonight, to not worry about anything and avoid it until I couldn't anymore. I guess time was up then because he was here.__He licks his lips and folds his hands in his lap. I watch as his eyes shift from concern to confusion and linger in between the two._

_'I thought you were at the party?' I ask quietly._

_He shakes his head no at my question, it was really my attempt to avoid the inevitable but I could never do that with Dimitri. He would push until I cracked; it was how we worked, back when we actually worked. He sighs hard and deep, his eyes still not meeting mine but concentrated on the floor. It was as if he was working up something to say.__'I um-I went for a little while... and then I didn't want to be there anymore.' He clears his throat. 'I realized I wanted to be with you... and you weren't there, so...' It was such an open few words to say._

_He sounded so unsure and something else, something I have never really heard in his voice before and it was a little scary to be honest. It left unsaid words and possibilities, ones that quickly drew tension into the room. I could feel it in the air; he wasn't saying exactly what he wanted to say. 'So?' It's quiet for a long few minutes before he answers me, still unable to look at me. 'Dimitri? Why are you here, I told you I just wanted to sleep?'_

_He nods. 'Yeah, I know, Roza. I just-I um...' He shakes head as if to rid himself of something but what, I didn't know._

_He clears his throat nervously and fidgets with his hands, it was too much for me. I move quietly but quickly in front of him and grab his hands in mine. As if holding them would give him the strength he needed to say whatever it was he wanted to say but it's like it doesn't work. He takes a breath and breaks my grasp and still avoids my eyes.__'Dimitri, what-what's going on?' My voice laced in concern and my mind completely blank of all the issues it held before this moment._

_This moment, the one before he opens his mouth to speak. The moment of quiet tension surrounding the room like a calm before a storm approaches. The moment before he gathers all this air into his chest, releases it and then finally, finally he looks at me. And in his eyes, those eyes that usually shine with love and care, there was guilt._

_A bright gleaming shine of guilt. 'She kissed me.'_

_It was like all the air was sucked right out of the room. The storm was here, right here tearing my insides right into pieces. It was like this tense silent storm was ripping the room apart right before me but I didn't move from my place. I was still in front of him, on my knees with my hand still holding out for him. He was still looking at me, waiting for me to react but I couldn't even move.__'Roza? His voice comes out low, lower than I've ever heard. It was slightly wavy and scared._

_He didn't even have to tell me who she was, I knew. I knew. And that triggers my reaction. 'I knew it. I knew it.'_

_At first my voice comes out low and surprised, like a whisper of some sort but then it gets louder. It gets stronger, angrier and loud. 'I knew it! I knew she-I fucking knew it!'__We both rise, him after me and I'm once again pacing the small dorm room. 'I knew it; I knew that was going to-fuck!'_

_I yell as he reaches out and tries to grab my shoulders. I'm too fast for him though because he kind of chases me in my pacing to try and grab me. 'Roza!'__He's calm and collected and I don't understand it. He just said to me the worst thing possible and he's still so calm. How could he be so fucking calm? 'Roza, please, just listen to me for a second. Please!'_

_I stop and face him, my throat clogging up again with that huge lump of emotion getting stuck. 'She kissed you?' He nods. 'She kissed you and she knew, she knows that we're together!'  
_

_He nods again and this time is able to grab both my arms to steer me toward my bed.__'Roza, please, let me explain.' I finally sit and wait for him to talk. He takes another deep breath and then sits next to me, still touching me gently as he goes into it. 'We were standing together, next to each other when Sydney asked me to dance and so I went. I danced with her and then when the song finished, I went back to where Galina was to get my drink...'__He closes his eyes, like he knew what he was going to say next was just going to piss me off and hurt me all over again. He sighs before opening them and looks to me with nothing but the plain truth in those brown orbs. 'When I got there, I leaned in to get my cup behind her and before I knew it... before I could react, she kisses me.'_

_Now he just watches me and waits for a reaction. I take in his words; replay them like a movie inside my head. I imagine him walking up to her and leaning in. I imagine her taking the advantage and going for it and then I imagine what he does after but nothing comes to play. It's quiet as he's still watching me, waiting for me to lose it but I surprisingly don't.__I'm unusually calm as I ask him. 'What did you do? Did you-did you kiss her back?' I move to turn my whole body toward his and watch him. 'Dimitri, did you kiss her back? Tell me.' I'm practically begging._

_'No. I didn't, Roza, I swear I didn't.' He doesn't hesitate to answer me and I feel sort of relived. Sort of.__I swallow the storm within me and look away from him. He squeezes my arm to get my attention though, so I look back to him waiting. 'But I-I did feel something...'_

_'What, what did you feel?' He swallows hard and closes his eyes for a few seconds before they're back on mine._

_'I'm not sure exactly but it was something, Roza. I just-I don't know how to tell you... How- how to explain myself.' I close my eyes tight as ever and try to breath.__What was he saying? What did all this mean? How could he not know what he was feeling?_

_All these questions and no answers, no nothing. What am I supposed to do now?__I lick my lips from the betraying tears that fall and try to breathe again. It was going to take a whole lot of will to ask my next question and I wanted to prepare myself for the answer, even if the answer was going to hurt me.__'Do you-do you like her?'_

'_Do you feel something for her? Is that it, Dimitri, do-do you have feelings for her?' My voice cracks into a broken whisper at the end of the question._

_His eyes water instantly but nothing falls and I can't help but cry now. I just let go and let the tears fall. I sniffle and tremble and think about where I am right now and how the fuck I got here. How did any of this even happen and where exactly did it all go wrong_? _He shakes his head and moves his eyes away from mine. He scrubs at his face with both hands and breathes deeply like he's holding back from bursting._

_'I don't know, Roza, I don't know what I feel toward her.' It comes out cracked and broken, and I reach for his face to see his eyes._

_We were both crying like now, except he was a lot stronger than me and held it in but the truth was out there now. And I was a tad relieved that I didn't have to hold it in anymore. To hold in all that suspicion and jealousy and whatever else I was carrying around for what felt like ever. He still avoided looking directly at me but kept talking and the more that he spoke, the more I realized; this was both of our faults._

_He swallows and I wipe my eyes again. I hated to see him so uncontrolled and emotional that was my part in the relationship. I was strong but he was the one who was able to keep his emotions in check, unlike me. 'It's just- it's just all this space has come between us, Roza. All of my classes and commitments to the internship, the work and the labs, and all the time I was spending with her instead of you. It's my fault.'__It was but it was mine too and I wasn't going to just let him name himself. I had a hand in this as well._

_I shake my head no and tilt his chin up to face me directly. 'No, it wasn't just you. It was me too; I know it was, I was so unsure and afraid about everything. You know, about my major and a career and my classes. Just everything, I got too caught up in the parties and helping Sydney-' He shakes his head now and a flash of what Olena once told me goes off in my mind. "You mean as much if not more to him. It's why you're protecting each other..."_

_'No, Roza, that's okay. It's okay that you didn't know what you wanted to do. You were just glad to be here, that's fine, it's not your fault you didn't know. I understand that part, I do.'_

_'It is, Dimitri. I'm not like you, you know? I didn't plan for my future or think about those things, I just kind of go along with it.' He wipes my eyes now and then we just take a moment to look to each other._

_I'm still crying, sniffling and wiping and being a complete mess of emotion. He just looks at me, with so much understanding in his eyes I almost want to kiss him but the reminder sets me back a little. I lean away and wipe my face, and try to collect myself enough to get calm. It's quiet again and this time the tension isn't so tense, it's more undecided.__ And it lasts for what seems like ever._

_'So what do we now?' I shrug at him to answer._ _I really didn't know to be honest._

_'I think that depends on you and whatever it is you're feeling for her.' I sigh. 'You have to figure that out, Dimitri.'_

_He nods and then licks his lips before taking both of my hands in his. 'I don't-I don't know what exactly it is I feel but I do know, it's not love Roza. 'I may be a little mixed up but I know who my heart wants__: __I love you. I'm sure of that.'_

_I pull away gently and look to my hands to avoid his gaze. I was afraid if I got stuck in it then it would be so much harder to say what I had to. 'How can you be so sure though? I mean, you let her get between us; she kissed you because she thought she could. You gave her some kind of reason to do it. How do you know you still love me the same way and not her?'_

_He breathes heavily and then his long gentle fingers touch my chin moving my head up to look at him. He smiles lightly and then touches my lips with the tips of his fingers. He was speaking without having to actually speak, letting his eyes do the convincing for him. Those eyes just make me cry more except it's not like before. It's not as hard or as heavy, it's a light cry with only tears and no choking feeling in my throat. He wipes my eyes and leans his forehead on mine, and just stares at me. I believe him and what he said; I do but taking the next step means working through all this and figuring it out together._

_And that was something I couldn't promise him at the moment._

_When that settles inside me I now know what I have to do will possibly drive us even further apart than we are now. I couldn't take him back home with me. He had a life here and even though it's caused some friction between us, that didn't mean it was fair to make him choose. And I wouldn't have asked him to anyway. He belonged here; he knew what he wanted and was going for it.__Me? Well, I was just going with the flow. I just wanted to be with him and have my own life but it was time to deal with things now. My fun was over and although I don't resent Meredith or anything like that, it still hurt to know I couldn't stay here with Dimitri._

_There's a long silence now and we both sit just looking at each other and holding hands. He wanted to work this out and so did I but I wouldn't have time for it. We would end up right back here, being angry and letting things and people come between us. I didn't want to lose him but I didn't want to hold him back either.__I clear my throat and squeeze his hands in mine. He squeezes back and kisses my head. It's all I need to lean into his chest and breathe. 'You know, whatever I need to do to make this up, Roza, I'll do it.'_

_I nod and breathe him in. My head in his chest I could feel the vibrations through him as he speaks, and I will myself not to lose it again. His lips touch my head every now and then, and his promises surround us. 'I'll do whatever it takes to get us back to where we were, when we first got here, remember?'__I nod. 'I want that again; I want us to be normal again. I'll change lab partners and I'll wait on the internship, I can always try next semester. I can get it then, I know I can.'_

_He grabs my head and picks it up to face him. He looks at me with so much love in his eyes I have to blink to stop from getting stuck in them. 'And I won't miss a date, not one date with you. I won't take you for granted anymore, Roza, I swear. Things will be different now. I'll even drop some class-'_

_I don't let him finish as I look up to him and shake my head no. 'I can't.' I whisper._

_He looks to the floor before looking back up to me with confusion. He rises before I can say anything and looks at me hard and long. 'What do you-what? Do you not want to work on this?'__He watches me as I stand and move away from him. I needed the distance to get this out; if he was in such short reach I didn't know if I could get through it. 'I thought-I thought we would work this out? At least try to-'_

_'I know and it's not that I don't want to because that's what I want more than anything but-' I cut myself off and take another deep breath. I release it slowly. 'I know what you said and I do want to figure all this out but I can't. I just can't...' He looks to me as silent as ever and waits, he waits for my good reason to not try. 'I'm leaving.' He stills, like he's not even breathing still. He's so quiet and still, and waiting, waiting for me to keep explaining but I'm not quite sure how. So I just tell him. 'I withdrew from all my classes this morning, I have to go back... my mother's gone and-and Meredith needs me.'_

_There's this long lingering silence that covers us and smothers the moment. It last for I don't know how long but he still just stands there._ _It's then that I can tell he is in fact still breathing but he doesn't speak or move. He just stands there, with this sad look in his eyes and I've never felt emptier. 'But what-what about us? I mean, what does- what does that mean for us?'_

_I release a breath to gain some kind of control. 'It means I have to go. I have to take care of her now, she needs me, Dimitri. My mom hasn't been home for a few days and Mer is by herself, I need to go.' My voice cracks again but I hold in my cries. I was tired of all these emotions and I was tired of dealing with sadness and pain. I was just plain tired, of everything. It wasn't fair, I had promised myself I wouldn't let my mother take anything more from me and yet, here she is taking him. The timing couldn't have been worse._

_'But what about us Roza?' He almost screams as he pleads with me and by the look in his eyes, I know this is just going to cause more pain between us._

_'I don't know.' I cry as I say it and he huffs as his body becomes rigid. He was getting mad now but I couldn't do anything about it. 'Please, don't get mad, it's out of my control. I can't stay here, I can't.'_

_He breathes through his nose, I've grown to know that that's how he calms himself before he gets frustrated and the action makes me miss him already. 'So that's it, then?' He says while throwing his hands up in frustration. 'What are we supposed to do now, Rose?' Rose. I haven't heard that name leave his mouth in so long, I almost don't remember it. I take a step forward and reach out to him but he doesn't move closer to me. I drop my arm but keep moving to stand in front of him. His head was down to his chest and he wouldn't look at me._

_I take his face in my hands and smile sadly. 'We have to deal with this, there's nothing else to do now.' His eyes move to the floor but I continue talking anyway, willing him to look at me. 'I'm going to go home and deal with my responsibilities, and you're going to stay here to finish school. I think the best thing we should do is take some time for ourselves.' Before I even finish the sentence, he's shaking his head no and stepping away from me. I reach out to grab him but only come back with air. 'Dimitri, please...'_

_He shakes his head like he doesn't to hear this. 'Don't end this, Roza!' He pleads running his hands through his hair.__ It just makes everything that much harder for me, for us._

_'I have to. I'm really sorry, Dimitri, but I have to.' He turns away from me and begins taking deep breaths. 'I just think we need time to figure things out, for ourselves.'_

_He huffs again but turns around and glares this time. 'To figure out what, Roza? I know what I want-'_ _He snaps._

_'Do you? Are you sure because you just admitted that you were mixed up?' He breathes through his nose again and then his back is to me once more. 'I just-I want you to be sure! I know you love me, I know that and I love you too but we can't just go back to how things were so quickly.'_ _I swallow and prepare for him to get even angrier at me but it was just like I said._

_We couldn't just forgive and forget so easily. We had to work at it and I wanted to more than anything but how? How can I do that without being here? How can I do that and then fix everything wrong at home? It was impossible, I couldn't be two places at once and he knew it. There wouldn't be time for either of us to take so we could fix this; it just had to be this way.__I sigh again and watch as he stands next to my door with this undefined look on his face. He was hiding from me or maybe holding back his anger, I wasn't sure. 'I want you to take some time and figure things out, about your feelings toward Galina and your love for me. Dimitri, this can't happen again. And who knows if it does that you won't be the one who gets kissed? What if you're doing the kissing or what if it's me?'_

_That was a cop out, I knew, I would never do anything like that to him_. 'I just don't want to be driven apart more than we already are, I can't deal with that. I have too much to fix back at home right now and that's where I need to be.' His hands are at his hips now and his face shifts into a stoic calm. 'I just feel like this is what has to be done. For the both of us, there are too many things in the way right now.'

_He looks down to the floor for a long minute before finally looking up to me and then nods only once. And it was with that I knew that he was angry with me. 'Please don't be mad, Dimitri, I don't want to leave like this...'_

_His eyes move again, they circle the room and then when they land back on me, I cringe. He swallows hard and then glares hard at the floor, 'If that's what you want, okay.'_

_And then with that, he turns and leaves my room._

**So I tried this in DPOV but it did not work and I'm not too happy with this one either, but I try. However there will be a DPOV (maybe) coming very soon. Sorry if this sucked and thanks for reading! (:**


	8. Chapter 8

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 8:** Ill draw this line and hope you'll take my side.

'So have a good day at school, Mer... I'll see you later...' I wait for a reply but she says nothing and keeps dragging Dimitri by the hand outside to his truck.

He glances back at me before helping her in with an apologetic smile and I shrug as if it's no big deal. Honestly, it kind of was and it sort of hurt that she kept giving me the cold shoulder. I understood why of course but that didn't make me feel any better. I was only looking out for her but she wanted her mother, and even though I understood that this was the way it had to be. I sigh and shake the thoughts from my head, ready to get to work and start another day. I was hoping today would be different, maybe not better because there were still things that needed to be worked out but different at least.

I wanted today to be just a normal day, no Janine worries or Dimitri issues; I just wanted today to be okay. I was looking forward to a break, let's be honest I kind of needed one from all the drama that's been happening. 'Hey, Rose.' I wave and smile politely to Lissa as she's already preparing orders from the morning coffee rush. The cafe was starting to get packed, so I put my apron on and headed out to get my brew on. The morning was going kind of smoothly so far and I had actually found myself not thinking about the million things I had to do once the work day was over. Especially with Dimitri being home now.

He did say he would wait for me to figure things out with Janine and I appreciated that but if I'm honest with myself, I kind of wanted us to figure things out. To try and make things maybe not the way they used to be but different. The sound of my phone going off breaks me from my thoughts as I had just started my shift. The name on the screen brings a genuine smile to my face as I answer it and try to make coffee at the same time. 'Hey, stranger, long time no talk...'

'Yeah, well, you were the one who left me here all by my lonesome. Now I have to hang out with Ivan the man-whore and sir mopes a lot!' I smile and shake my head as Sydney's voice comes through the phone.

'Sir mopes a lot? I don't believe I know him.' She laughs loudly and my smile kind of widens.

'Actually, you know him pretty well...' This causes my smile to dampen a little but before I could question her further, she answered. 'So have you seen him yet or did he chicken out and you don't even know he's back home yet?'

'Dimitri?' My voice sounds curiously through the receiver.

'Well, yeah! He's been moping around campus since you left! Ivan was about ready to organize a suicide watch or something. You haven't seen him yet?' I nod even though she couldn't see me through the phone, feeling a little flustered that they both knew he was coming back.

'Um, yeah, I have actually. He uh-he's been taking Meredith to school for me. Well, for her but we hadn't had a chance to talk yet. I've been kind of busy with my mom and work and stuff... What do you mean he's been moping around, was it really that bad?'

'Yeah, Rose. I mean it wasn't too bad where he was like not eating and stuff but he just wasn't himself. He wasn't going out with Ivan and the guys or really even leaving the dorm room, he was a recluse. You know he dropped that class he had with-um _her _we don't speak of?' Whoa, this was news.

I was a stunned to find all this out but what was I expecting? This was Dimitri after all, I knew he was upset about our break up but I thought he was angrier with me than anything else. It was how we left things, well, except for the day I actually left. I just thought he didn't want to leave things between us with anger but moping around, really? 'Wow. That's... that's a little crazy and surprising.' I really didn't know what to say at the moment. I thought he was mad at me but maybe not.

'Well, you guys were in love, I mean, are in love. I'll tell you though it got Ivan to stop being such a party whore for a while. He even started having dinner with me; he's a cool friend I guess. He's the one who finally knocked some sense into Dimitri and told him to call you back after you called him. You know, after all my time of being sheltered from the opposite sex, and my short time among them, I've come to realize; boys are kind of dumb.' I laugh and shake my head at her.

'I thought boys were off limits until you were married?' She laughs at the old words she once told me toward the beginning of school, when she was still under her parents thumb. 'So Ivan and dinner huh?'

Sydney sighs heavily and I can tell there's something there she's not sharing with me. 'Yeah, he's a good guy, when he wants to be.' I don't push any further though. 'So? What's up with you, how is everything going at home? I mean, you're okay, right?'

It was my turn for that heavy sigh and I find myself completely exhausted all of a sudden. 'It's going. My mom is out and about somewhere and I don't really have the patience for her anymore. Things with Dimitri and I are still on hold but he's been helping me with my sister, who's really pissed and won't even talk to me... Other than that I've started a new job. How's everything at school, what was like after I left?'

'It was super boring and lonely for me. I mean, first I have a super awesome roommate who teaches me how to play flip cup and then she just leaves me stuck here with dumb womanizing Ivan.' I roll my eyes and smirk at how much she's grown into her own person. 'That really chapped my hyde, you know?'

I laugh and find myself missing the sound of it. 'Well, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry. I just had to come home and… fix things, you know?'

'Yeah and I'm glad you're doing what you have to, for your sister and everything. You're a strong person, Rose; I can see why Dimitri was so torn about how everything played out.' That strikes me again and I wonder what she had meant.

'What do you mean, Sydney?' She sighs long and hard, leaving me in anticipation for a few long minutes there.

'He was really mad at himself for the way he acted the night you guys broke up. Ivan was telling me last night after he said Dimitri rushed out of here... He really missed you and I guess he felt like he blew it, after you told him you had to leave, you know? He told Ivan he got mad and didn't really have a right to be but you needed to go home and he should've been there supporting you instead of acting the way he did.'

'So why did he get mad at me in the first place? I mean, it wasn't like I wanted to leave school, I wanted to be there. With him.' She sighed again.

'I don't know that's Rose and Dimitri stuff. He and Ivan talked a lot after you left though. I even talked to him a little bit but he was more open with Ivan. I don't know why that's like the worst guy to go to for girlfriend advice, of course I'm not going to judge him but I was totally available!' Her light attitude causes me to smile again and before I knew it I was missing Sydney and our adventures at school all over again.

'So he dropped the class huh? That's a little un-Dimitri like.' I was still kind of surprised over this, happy that he realized part of the problem but surprised mostly because this was concerning his future.

'Yeah, he said he couldn't stay lab partners with her knowing how much it hurt your guy's relationship. They don't even hang out any more or talk, he cut off all ties with that home wrecker, Jesus is so putting an X in her book.' I laugh lowly at her name calling.

I was really happy to hear that but still concerned that he was probably risking everything he was working so hard for. I didn't want him hanging around with her but I also didn't want him putting his plans at risk. He was smart and a hard worker, he deserved everything to show for that. I was starting to think that maybe he didn't have to wait very long for us to have that talk. 'Welp, I got to go, my class is going to start in like five minutes. You going to be okay?' I nod and catch myself knowing she couldn't see me.

'Yeah, I'll be fine and thanks for, you know, checking up on me and everything. I appreciate it, Sydney.'

'No problem and whatever happens between you and Dimitri just know that I'm here if you need to talk, okay? Call me any time, I don't care, I'll probably be bored all alone in my dorm room anyway...' I laugh with a shake of my head tell her bye.

Sydney was a good friend and I enjoyed how we grew to become close. She had changed a lot from the quiet religious girl I had met that first day of school and I'm probably not going to be liked by her family but the friendship was worth it. And it was also a much needed pick me up for the crappy couple of days I had.

**...Second Week of School...**

_Now I loved a good party as much as anyone else, the good times were needed after so much hectic work and boring lectures but I really hated the walk of shame. Now I have never in my life had to do one, well, one where I was so drunk the night before I passed out someplace else. But I seem to have that shameful feeling every time I stepped into the door of my room coming back from a night with my boyfriend._

_A clear of a throat meets me as soon as I close the door and that shame washes all over me. 'Where were you last night, off fornicating with Dimitri again?'_ _Sydney Sage was my roommate and she was a super nice girl but she came from a very religious family, and sex before marriage was just wrong._

_I smile to the back of Sydney's head as she faces the window of the room and continues typing away on her laptop. In college you take tons of notes and I was lucky if I could un-code any of the ones I took with my bad handwriting but Sydney? Oh, Sydney lived for note taking and she would even transfer them to the computer where they were typed, double spaced and in Cornell form. Seriously, nerd alert.__She looks back toward me as it was still pretty early on this most awesome of Saturday mornings. Her eyes still silently berating me and my sinful behavior. All I do is smile and change into some clothes to catch a few hours of sleep before I was to meet Dimitri for lunch._

_'As a matter of fact I was!' My smile grows and the sarcasm I lay into my words just seems to make her glare at me harder. 'How did you know? Do I have the after sex glow? I do, don't I?'_

_I wait for a reply with my hands on my hips and a bright smug smile. Sydney shakes her head at me and I roll my eyes at her accusation. Since the first day I moved into the dorm, Sydney always had something to say about me and Dimitri. It wasn't that she didn't like us or anything; in fact she was quite fond of Dimitri since they were both really nerdy and read a lot. The thing was -and it wasn't a big deal or anything- was that Sydney came from a religious family._

_So religious in fact that they had home schooled her entire life. It was just recently that her father had agreed to let her attend the university and go to school with other people her own age. It took some convincing and a whole of prayer according to Sydney but her father had reluctantly agreed. Of course, she had rules and followed them religiously (pun intended) but sometimes I think she forgot the rules didn't apply to me._

_So often times she always reminded me of the sin Dimitri and I were committing by "fornicating" and not being married. Not to mention all the other sins I was committing since coming to school. The party's Dimitri and Ivan would take me to. The clubs and bar's we went to and Ivan getting us free drinks even though we weren't of drinking age. And of course, all the nights I spent over at Dimitri's, coming back to our room the next morning and not praying that God forgive the sins that I committed with a boy who I wasn't married to._

_After turning away from her glare, I head toward the small bathroom we had ready for a shower but I stop at the giant disgusting picture that lay across my bed. 'Ew, what the hell is that?'_

_Sydney glares at me again this time for my language and probably many other things before turning back to her laptop and casually explaining the poster I was now holding. 'Your language, Rose, and that is herpes.'_

_I wait for her to continue and even though I was grossed out by the pic, I kind of wanted to laugh. 'It's there to remind you of what you're risking by sleeping with Dimitri and being responsible for your actions.' This time she's looking directly at me and I'm fighting a smile that's trying desperately to escape. 'The knowledge of God knowing what you two are doing may not bother you but an STD will surely make you rethink your actions before you're off fornicating with him again.'_

_I look at the picture in my hands and then silently back to Sydney as she continues typing away on her laptop. I slightly wonder just how far she would go to keep reminding me that God was watching. I mean, some comments here and there were okay. A lecture on marriage and a prayer in the middle of the room before I'm off to a party, I could deal with but huge pictures of some anonymous butthole full of herpes was just going a little too far._

_Of course, those weren't the thoughts that had come out of my mouth as I held that picture in front of me. 'Where did you find a poster of herpes from?'_

_She scoffs and her head snaps up to meet my eyes with another annoyed glare as I await her answer. 'That's not the point, Rose!' She slams her laptop closed and then places it on the nightstand before standing from her flower print comforter of her bed._

_'No, I get your point; safety first and then team work, which Dimitri and I we always do. But where in the world did you find such a huge picture of herpes?' She rolls her eyes with a sigh before folding her arms across her chest and a flash of her mother who I've never meant but seen a picture of goes off._

_'I found the picture in a text book of my fathers, if you must know. I went to the library and blew up the picture to poster size. This is serious, those things are out there and you might possibly contract it, spreading it to Dimitri and then whoever else you-you- you know... after!'_

_Now I really wanted to laugh. I mean really laugh hard at the image of people's faces as they caught sight of some girl blowing up a picture of herpes, in the middle of the library. I'm sure if I did go ahead and laugh though, I would've got another glare and possibly a lecture to match the poster. Who knows maybe a whole week of sex ed according to the Sage's, old eighties video included.__Except I wasn't in the mood for another x God was going to mark in my book for the sin I was committing, her words not mine. So I let it go and just got ready for my shower._

_I'd tell Dimitri and Ivan later though and they'd both get a laugh at that._

**...Present Time...**

'Rose?' My head snaps up and my thoughts focus at the sound of Alberta's voice and my mood shifts to unease.

'Hey, Alberta, what can I get you?' She shakes her head no and looks around as if to see if anyone was watching her.

I swallow thickly and my eyes roam around the cafe as well. She leans across the counter and my mood falls a little bit more, 'No thanks, I was just wondering if you had a minute to talk... in private?' I look for Lissa who's eyeing me and Alberta toward the end of the counter and she nods her head once letting me know she had it from here. I lead Alberta to the back of the cafe; it was empty with only a couple at the table next to the door, so we were in the clear.

'Is everything okay, Alberta?' She sighs and then gives me a look of sadness. I didn't know what it exactly was for but her next words had lowered my mood even further.

'Rose, I spoke to your mother this morning, she says she's leaving...' I waited after that.

I waited for her to finish whatever else she had to say but it never comes. It was like her news was supposed to affect me somehow. I knew I should feel something about it but I didn't know what. I mean, of course she was leaving but why was Alberta telling me? I was the one who kicked my mother out of the house and now she's leaving?

What was that supposed to make me feel? Sympathy? I don't think so.

'Rose, she says she's going somewhere out of state, she wasn't very informative about where exactly but I thought I should let you know.' I nod and still find myself not knowing what to do with this news. 'I just thought maybe Meredith would want to hear it from you...' And then that's when something inside me snaps to attention. Meredith.

I had to tell her, even though she was still angry at me and not talking to me, she would want to know. I was suddenly afraid of all the questions she would ask when she found out. There would be a lot because she was Meredith and she was curious, and I wouldn't love her any other way. I was just unsure of how this would affect her.

If she would still think this was my fault somehow that Janine was leaving or if she would finally see that her being out of our lives was for the better. I didn't know and I slightly wondered if this was another attempt by Janine to try and get something out of me but I couldn't be too sure. The only thing and person that concerned me at the moment was Meredith, and I would do anything for her but it always felt like I was hurting her somehow. This news was no different, she would be hurt and sad I'm sure but I wouldn't keep this from her.

I sigh heavily and wipe my forehead of imaginary sweat nodding the okay to Alberta. 'Our talk was very brief but she was very clear on her intentions. She wants out of here and I don't think she was planning on telling you girls. If you'd like I could be there when you spill the news to Meredith, to help out...'

How could Janine keep doing this to poor Mer? How could she not want to stay and fight for her? She was just giving up, typical Janine Hathaway when something doesn't go her way, she's out. It angered me and I felt all the calm almost positive energy I had before leave my body. I shake my head no to Alberta and finally meet her eyes. 'Um, no that's okay; I'll tell her but thank you. Thank you for everything, Alberta, I owe you a lot.' She shakes her head no and then lightly grasps my hand over the table.

'You don't owe me anything, Rose, just remember what I said; if you need me, I'm here.' I nod and she smiles lightly as she turns back and heads out the door.

My mind swirls with thoughts and thoughts of what to do next as Lissa says her goodbyes to Alberta. The bell above the cafe door dings and I try to put my focus on cleaning the tables again. Why did everything have to get so tense all of a sudden? Why couldn't I have a break for at least a little while and have something good happen? And how was I supposed to tell Meredith that our mother was once again leaving?

I sigh at the same time the bell above the door sounds again. My eyes move up to see that came in and another deep sigh escapes me. Dimitri nods to me with a subtle smile and leads Meredith toward a table by the window. A little surprised, I look at the clock and realize Meredith had early dismissal from school today and keeping his word, he picked her up. Lissa smiles toward me and waves to Mer, Mer waves right back but when she meets my eyes she glares and turns her head away.

I take a deep breath, dropping the towel behind the counter and making my way to the table where they awaited me. 'Can I get you guys something?' Dimitri shakes his head no and Meredith just keeps her eyes out toward window.

Dimitri clears his throat, 'I think Meredith wanted something though... Didn't you want one of those chocolate chip muffins?' Still ignoring me, Meredith nods once and Dimitri gives me another look of sympathy.

I nod and head back to the counter, as I'm preparing the muffin and a hot chocolate for them both I see Dimitri whispering to Mer. She nods and shakes her head a few times and even looks at me briefly before turning back to Dimitri and saying something but as I make my way over to them they get quiet. I place their stuff on the table and Dimitri looks to Mer with an expectant stare. It takes her awhile but she finally looks at me and then down to the table in what seems to be shame.

A clear of his throat snaps us both to him and he rises from the table. 'I'll give you ladies a moment.'

As Dimitri leaves the table Meredith taps the side he just left for me to sit down. I do but nothing happens and it's really quiet for what seems like ever. 'You okay?' She nods to me and sips from the cup as I look around and spot Dimitri sitting a good few tables from us. 'What's going on, Mer?'

Meredith takes a deep breath and then picks at the muffin before looking to me and quickly back to the table. She shrugs and then in that innocent six year old child manner, she sighs heavily. My little sister was smart and much too mature for her age. We have seen and been a part of things no children should have to go through but I think she was only upset because she wanted us to be a family, our mother included. 'Roses, I did a lot of thinking lately...'

Her words make me want to laugh; it was like she was growing up right before my eyes. 'And Dimitri says I should tell you sorry...'

'Oh, yeah, and what do you think?' She's quiet at my question but then just nods once.

I nod back and watch as she looks to the table, maybe a little afraid to look at me but I didn't want her to be. I wanted her to be able to tell me anything and everything she wanted. I wanted her to know I would always be there for her no matter what, even if she was mad at me. So reaching across the table I take her small hand in mine and finally her wide blue eyes meet mine. 'Mer, I would do anything to for you, to protect you and give you a better childhood than I had…'

I take a deep breath before continuing on. 'I know you were mad and I understand why but I did it for your own good. Mom, she... she's sick, Mer, and she needs help... And we can't help her if she's not willing to help herself.' She nods sad and solemnly.

It breaks my heart to see those things in her face. To know how much she loves Janine but Janine's too busy to take the time to love her back. I wouldn't let her hurt anymore over our mother; I would do everything I possibly can to keep her from ever feeling like this again. It was part of who I am. Meredith takes a deep breath again and lets it go soundly. It sort of made me smile at the child she still was.

'I know when mommy left you got really angry at her... and making her leave was the right thing to do but I still miss her.' That just made me want to cry but I push back the growing lump in my throat and squeeze her small hands to mine. 'I'm really really sorry I said I hated you, Roses, I didn't mean it.'

I nod and smile sadly as she faces me with shameful eyes. 'And I'm sorry for getting mad at you for telling mommy to leave. I just want us to be a family, like Dimitri and Olena...'

I nod again, swallowing the emotion and clearing my throat so I wouldn't break. Now wasn't the time to crack and I still had some more upsetting news to tell her. 'We can be, it will just be me and you; our own family. You know?'

'And Dimitri?' She says with hopeful eyes.

I let loose a breath and glance toward him. He was watching us without actually watching us, something he did back in high school at our tutor sessions. But I didn't know where exactly we stood and we still had issues to figure out of our own. Except I could give Meredith this, he had promised to always be there and I knew even though things between us got hard, he wouldn't let Meredith down. Not the way our mother did.

So I nod, 'Yeah, Dimitri too. He will always be a part of us, okay?' She nods and then she's out of the chair and climbing on me for a hug. 'I'm sorry I made you angry, Mer bear, I just can't handle mom anymore. We don't deserve that, _you_ don't deserve that, and you need better.'

She nods her face in the crook of my neck and I can feel small drops of tears on my skin. I squeeze her tightly to me and she squeezes right back. 'I really miss mommy, Roses.'

I close my eyes in regret tightly, cursing Janine for making me break this little girl's heart all over again. 'Mer, I got to tell you something but I want you listen and try to be calm, okay?'

She nods against me and I prepare myself for what could come next. I squeeze her once more and then release a hard breath. 'Mer, came to see me a while ago, she said she saw mom...' Meredith leans back and we come face to face, her eyes gloss as if she knew what I was about to say was bad but I had to say it. 'Mom told her she was leaving, moving away somewhere. We're not sure where she's going but… I want you to know it will be okay. I'm not leaving you, _ever_, okay? You're going to be fine with me.'

It was a long while before her eyes met mine and her silence had scared me a little. It was a lot like Olena had said though, Meredith was a smart girl and mature for her age, and she knew things because of it. I always wanted to protect her from knowing these things; I always felt she was too young. She should be worried about other stuff, simpler things-kid stuff. Not about where her mother was running off to now and if we were going to be okay. At last her eyes meet mine and with just a single nod, I knew she understood. 'I hope she'll be okay.'

And with those words said her eyes gloss over again with tears, which I had to fight my own.

'I don't know but she just has to get better for herself, for you, okay?' She nods again and hiccups to hold back some sobs. 'Don't cry, Mer, I know moms gone but we'll be okay. I promise you... we'll be okay.'

'So what did you tell her?' He smiles politely and just shakes his head no and I knew he wasn't going to tell me a word. I sigh frustrated but a tad amused. 'Well, thank you for bringing her and telling her whatever you did.' He nods once and then closes the truck door where Meredith sits passenger.

'I couldn't let her be mad at you anymore, it was eating you both alive.' His smile turns sad and genuine but his gesture made something inside me burst.

I reach out and hug him, wrapping my arms around his neck and letting him set my body on fire with his warmth. It was times like these that the words Jill once told me flash through my mind and makes me wonder how we managed to let so much get between us. _He'll always be there for you, that's just Dimitri._ It was very true and I couldn't help but want what we had before back at this very moment.

'It really meant a lot to me, you know?' He squeezes me hard once again letting me know he knew, before letting me go and kissing my forehead.

He smiles widely as he walks to the other side of the truck. It was that smile that always caused a flutter inside me, the one where he could flash it and have me all wound up. The one I missed so much lately. 'I told you the silent treatment wouldn't last long, Roza.'

It brings a big smile of my own out and that feeling of sometime good needing to happen comes crashing right back into me. I felt good after that, it was like things were finally starting to work themselves out. I could only hope from here on out, it would stay that way.

**Sup? Just wanted to say sorry if this chapter feels rushed, I really want to get Rose and Dimitri rolling. Also if the flashback part offends anyone, apologies. Im not trying to say anything or make fun of anyone's beliefs, I just thought it would be funny and Rose kind of needed a funny moment. The whole story did really since it was all sad and stuff. Anywho I hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading (:**


	9. Chapter 9

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 9:** Into the night, between your hands.

'Okay, Mer, it's time for bed there's school tomorrow.' Meredith nods sadly as she and Dimitri begin cleaning the picnic we had on the living room floor.

Today I got off of work and they were both there waiting for me in the parking lot. We had decided to get pizza and have a picnic in the living room. It was a little like the time before, when we would take Mer and have dinner with just the three of us. It reminded me of how good things were before school, responsibility and people had come between us. It was actually kind of nice, like this calm washed over us for just a while and I was with the two people I cared about most in the world.

This was how it should have been in the first place. Meredith did most of the talking tonight and we made it a point to keep it that way. We didn't want to ruin the good moment we were having and I didn't want to put any kind of pressure on Dimitri. I only just wanted to enjoy the company for as long as I had it. I also think Dimitri knew we needed a day like this; no drama involved just a meal and the three of us being together.

'Can we have a picnic tomorrow night too, Roses?' I nod quietly and tuck Mer into her bed.

'Yeah, but no pizza, you're going to have to think of something else to eat. We can't have pizza every day, you know.' She sighs dramatically and then reluctantly nods in agreement. 'Goodnight, Mer bear.'

We hug and then Dimitri takes my place at her bedside while I leave the room and finish cleaning the kitchen. Those two really missed each other, Meredith especially, and I was grateful he was helping me out since I've had a lot on my plate lately. I went about cleaning up the house and trying to keep my mind busy with meager tasks. I knew Dimitri was a little anxious about something as soon as I got in the truck when they picked me up. And the whole picnic thing was kind of a giveaway. I just couldn't decide if I was ready yet or figure out what it was he was thinking.

It didn't feel like I had enough time to think about where our relationship was at because honestly, I don't think I have. There were too many things in the way but he was never far from my thoughts. In fact since helping Mer forgive me yesterday, it was like this whole day I couldn't get him out of my head. It was the old Dimitri that had done that, the one who wasn't unsure of himself or us and it was a happy sight to see. I had missed that a lot.

'Do you need any help with those?' His deep low voice snaps me out of my thoughts but I keep my back to him and continue washing the dishes.

I shake my head no but it doesn't stop him from coming closer, standing to the side of me leaning against the counter with his arms folded against his chest. I could smell him, the aftershave I was always fond of lingered off of him and into my senses. He was warm and patient as he watched me wash and rinse plates, he was waiting for the right moment, to say what I'm not sure. I just let the feeling of his eyes hover over me and found myself missing the feel of his lips and hands on me as well. I had missed him terribly. 'Roza?' His voice sounded throughout the whole house, it was low and wanting. There was something in his voice that struck something else inside of me, like a bell going off and as soon as I turned to face him, our eyes never lost the connection.

It was fast and surprising but in a flash, he was there, holding his lips to mine in the most passionate of kisses. I could feel the tension as soon as I got into his truck after work. I could see in his eyes how bad he wanted to touch me and me him. We missed each other; we missed the feel and touch of our bodies meeting. I wasn't holding back this time either, I gave him everything I had kissing him back. He pushed us into the wall next to the sink and our kisses got deeper and hungrier. It was soon after that that he had my hip in his hand, wrapping my leg around his waist and our bodies met in the most intimate of places.

He grinds into me, right into me where I can feel all of him growing against his jeans. He felt good, so good; I moaned with a breath and moved with him. Our hands were all over each other, mine trapped into his shirt feeling the ridges of his muscular stomach and his gripping my hips. The heat radiated off of our bodies and into the room. I wanted him badly and I didn't care that we had all these other things to sort out. I wanted him as much as he wanted me, and boy did he want me. He was grinding harder into me now and the pain of the wall against my back was a blur in the back of my mind. He felt good and I didn't want to stop but then like a splash of cold water, my mind caught up with my body.

'Wait, wait, hold on, wait.' He stops kissing my neck and leans back to face me. My leg still in his grip and I can feel him there. I take a deep breath and try to calm myself as he waits breathing heavily. 'I don't-I want to, I really want to, more than anything right now but...'

He's already nodding before I finish talking and releases my leg back down. We're still close to each other, our breathing in pants as I lean my head against his chest. His hands are on my shoulders, rubbing up and down as he tries to calm his own breathing. It's silent as we collect ourselves and he hugs me to his body where my only reaction is to close my eyes and live in his body touching mine. He sighs calmingly and our arms wrap around each other. I hold him to me tightly, not wanting to let him go for even a second. I missed him so bad and now that he was here I just wanted him to hold me like he used to before. He wraps his arms around me tighter, holding me like any second now and I would fade away.

'I missed you.' I nod and squeeze him tighter. 'I missed you too.'

And I understood this feeling that wrapped around us. It was like being whole again.

I feel his lips lightly in my hair and finally get the will to look up at him. Once our eyes meet a wide sincere smile crosses his face and I return one of my own. My hands automatically move up to touch his face, the light stubble on his cheeks and chin poking the tips of my fingers but I loved the feel of it. He reaches to kiss the inside of my wrist and leans his forehead to mine. 'You drive me crazy, Roza, you know that?'

I smile and shrug playfully, 'I've heard that before.' He laughs soundlessly and then kisses my forehead. 'I missed you. I've missed you so much, Comrade.'

He closes his eyes and I know he's just taking the moment in. 'I feel like this huge part of me has grown back... almost like there was something that blew a hole in my heart and now it's just filling back up.'

I smile and my hands move down over his chest then back up. I touch his lips with my fingers and our eyes never leave each other for a long time. We just stand there and bask inside the moment. Yes, there were things we had to get settled and stuff we had to decide but there would time for that later. Now I just wanted him to hold me and kiss me as much as possible.

'Roza… I um-I have to get back to school...' His words break the moment and all the happy thoughts in my head quickly fade away.

It explained him being anxious but it also hurt to hear. I frown and watch his eyes shift to slight sadness. 'What- when do- when do you have to leave?'

He frowns now and his eyes become heavy with disappointment. 'Tomorrow afternoon.' My heart pounds hard in my chest and I feel like the whole neighborhood can hear it. He takes a deep breath and then closes his eyes in frustration before opening them. 'My mother wants one last breakfast with all of us before my sister's head back to Russia. I have things to straighten out at school before the semester ends...'

I nod knowing what he's saying without him having to actually say it. It seemed there was no time for us, again. I hold back all the complaints and everything else that surrounds my mind and sigh. 'Tomorrow, Dimitri?'

He nods once and grimaces at the frustration lacing my voice. He holds his head down so our eyes don't meet any more and sighs. 'I know, I'm sorry but I have to go back. I dropped a class and that's not very smart so close to the end of the semester.'

I nod remembering Sydney had told me that when she called. The quiet sounds again and we're still leaning on the wall not knowing what to do now. Well, I wasn't sure of what to do; Dimitri had seemed to make up his mind though. He let's me go and out stretches his hand for mine and I take it. We walk to the kitchen table and sit at a corner from each other in anticipated quiet. Where to start and go from here was going to have to be determined now, at this very moment. I thought there would be time to figure this all out but once again I had run out of it.

So no matter if I was ready to hash out all this stuff, it was going to happen anyway. I watch as his eyes move around the table top, his hands open and close in tight fists. He was nervous and I was too, this was something I wanted to be prepared for and it was something I thought wouldn't happen right away. I wanted more moments like the one we had earlier, dinner with Mer and easy conversation. I wanted a break from the drama and real life, and I wanted us to hopefully fall back into the way things used to be slowly.

But that would be too easy and if I'd learned anything, nothing was ever easy, especially for me.

He takes a deep breath and releases it, swallowing hard to collect himself. 'I don't want to leave like this, Roza. I don't want to go back and keep wondering where we're at and if we're okay. I'd like to go back and know where exactly we stand...'

I nod in agreement, 'But it's not going to be that simple, Comrade. We kind of made a big mess with everything, you know?'

'I know and I know it was my fault but Roza-' I shake my head before he finishes and speak before he can.

'It was the both of us; it was life getting in the way and us not seeing how it was drifting us into two different paths. It wasn't all on you; some of it was me too. So don't sit here and blame everything on yourself.' He looks to me and watches as I mean my words.

His eyes betray the thoughts in his head and I knew he was thinking otherwise. He was thinking it was all on him but it wasn't and I had to show him that. Yes, he let someone get between us but I had let things get there as well. It was only fair to point that out and I would never fully blame him for going after what he wanted. 'We just-we let things out of our control. I mean, I was so unsure about what I wanted for myself and what kind of future I wanted. You were there already, you knew what you wanted and you went after it. I could never hold that against you, Dimitri.'

He nods and keeps his hands on top of the table; it was like he didn't know what to do with them or didn't know what to say to go against me. So I did the only thing I knew to get him out of his head and reached across the table to hold his hands in mine. We gripped each other like letting go wasn't an option and I watched him fight this internal war within himself. I squeeze his hands gently in mine to get his attention. 'I have never been like that, you know? I've never been sure of what I wanted because I didn't think I would have a chance at it. I'm not like you when it comes to that stuff. I just knew I wanted to be with you and I wanted... some kind of my own life... that's all I've ever wanted.'

'I think school was just something I thought I wanted and I do, I do want that someday but I guess... I kind of knew where my future was already. It's here, with Meredith and taking care of her. It's giving her the life I never had, the chances I've never had and I want to do that for her.' More than anything I want to do that for her, she deserved it.

He squeezes my hands in his own and smiles softly. 'I know that and I want that for her as well. I want you to do the things you want, Roza, and live however you will be happy. It's was just being there, at school, with you, it was something I wanted so badly. I wanted that for the both of us, I wanted our own life as you said. I think I just got stuck in my own and didn't realize I was leaving you behind. I'm sorry for that, I'm so sorry, Roza. I will never forgive myself for taking you for granted like that. It was the dumbest mistake of my life... that and letting Galina kiss me.' He shakes his head disappointed with himself and I cringe at the mention of her name.

'Yeah, that was pretty dumb of you...' He snorts in laughter and nods his head agreeing with me but my mind is too curious not to ask. 'What was that, Dimitri? How did that happen between you and her? Why did that happen?'

He sighs long and hard, swallowing thickly with his eyes on the table again instead of me. We were still holding hands over the table but Dimitri's fingers were softly running over the skin of mine. He opens his mouth to say something but then quickly shuts it without any words coming out. I grip his hands into mine, hopefully giving him the strength to say whatever it was he had to say. I didn't care if it was going to hurt me or not, I had to know.

'I don't even know what that was, Roza... and now I really don't care.' He may not have but I did and I still had a lot of questions about it. 'You know, I've been doing like you asked me to and I've thought a lot about what happen and about us. You were right about so many things, about everything and I feel so ashamed of myself for being so selfish when you needed to come home. I should have been there for you. I should have understood that you needed me to support you no matter if I wanted you to stay with me or not.' He shakes his head again with a last squeeze to my hands, he let's them go and leans back into the chair. 'What I have with you-what I feel for you, Roza... nothing else even comes close. Nothing and no one. I mean that with my whole heart.'

This time, his eyes have mine in a look I can't escape. I wouldn't want to because I saw the truth to his words in them. They shined bright in those deep pools of chocolate that I could lose myself in, they showed whatever he couldn't say and I read that truth effortlessly. He licks his lips and I have to stop myself from leaning over and capturing them with my own. He looks to me still and watches as all these emotions and truths come alive. 'I know I let her get in between us and I'm sorry I couldn't see past her but I know now, Roza, I know what and who I want... and it's you. It's always been you, it will always be you.'

I believe that as well but I still question it, I had every right to. I mean, look what she did and what he let happen. I didn't want to wonder about it for the rest of my life if we got back together. So taking a deep breath and finding his eyes with mine, I knew asking this could possibly bring bad tension but I had to get it off my chest. 'Are you sure? You have to be sure, Dimitri.'

Immediately, he nods and moves back up to lean across the table. He takes my hands in his and holds them gently but tight. His eyes once again capture me and everything I have ever needed to be reassured glows through them. It was part of why I fell in love with him in the first place; his eyes were the window to everything he kept hidden from everyone else. It was like only I could decode them and only I could get him to look at me the way he was looking at me right now.

'I'm positive, Roza. When I said that I wasn't sure of what I felt for her, that was true but I've had some time now... and I know that it was just confusion. It was uncertainty because I was losing myself, my real self in everything else happening to me but what mattered to me. I forgot about what was important.' He says it all in one breath and keeps holding my hands.

'And what's important?' I question quietly.

'You.' He says without any hesitation. He said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. 'You are important, us, Roza. And I'm never going to forget that again.'

This time I couldn't hold myself back if I wanted to. All I did was see the look in his eyes and the next thing I knew, I was leaned across the table with his soft sweet lips connecting with mine. It was such an intense kiss too, one of those passionate deep kisses that left your head spinning and your mind clouded, and your heart pounding madly. It was the physical proof he was using to reassure my doubts.

The kiss quickly gets heavy and hungry, soon enough I was pulled across the table and onto his lap. The groping and squeezing of body parts and biting of lips and tongues was making my mind spin. He was all over me and I was all over him and I didn't care that we were in the middle of the kitchen. I grind my hips into him and he releases a heavy moan. We missed each other so much and it showed with the heady kisses and panting breaths. 'My room.' It was all I could get out before his lips reattached themselves to mine.

He kisses me the whole way over to my room. He kisses me deep and passionately, and carries me while my legs wrapped themselves around his waist. We tried to be as quiet as we could since I had a sleeping little sister in a room down the hall but we couldn't control all the frantic touching and clothing removal.

Once he lay me down on my bed and hovered above me, it was like everything else disappeared. There were no worries or responsibility to think about, it was just me and him and our bodies reconnecting from a much too long break. His body was warm and strong and lean with muscle. My hands had developed a mind of their own and touched just about every inch of skin I could reach. I ran my hands up and down his lean body and my fingers softly felt the ridges of his muscles. Our lips never disconnected but only if we needed to breathe, after that short intake of air they were back on each other's, or on another part of the body. He was taking his time with me, reconnecting with every spot of my body, grinding into me with his whole self. It was hard not to be too loud with the pleasure I was feeling but it was so worth it.

'I love you, Roza.' He says through heavy pants and breaths. I grip him closer to me, pulling him deeper into me in all the right places.

I was too overwhelmed to say anything back but by the look in his eyes he knew I loved him just as much. As soon as the sweat started dripping off of our bodies, the heat seems to rise between us. Our panting became heavy and our eyes never left each other. I cupped his face with my hands and connected our lips one last time before I was sure I was going to lose all consciousness as he quickened the pace. The kiss was long and lingering, biting lips and tongues and licking, we lost ourselves in each other.

He closes his eyes and hides in the crook of my neck. I grip him by his ass and drive him into me one last time and with that, we just held onto each other for as long as possible after. We stayed like that for a long time, me not wanting to let him go and he was too tired to move. It was hot and I was sweating but it was so worth having him back with me like this. So close to me and here in the moment.

I swallow hard and try to even out my breathing. I could feel his breath in pants down my neck and closed my eyes to prevent the moment from ever ending. 'I love you... It doesn't matter what happens now, I love you and I need you to know that.'

He breaths deep and leans back to look at me. A slightly confused but loving expression on his face. 'I know that, Roza. I love you.'

**...**

After the second time, he's asleep with his arms around me and my head on his chest. I'm wide awake and all the worries come back to me at full force. They hit my mind in a fast flash and linger no matter how much I try to push them back. He didn't know what I meant when I told him I loved him earlier and I knew I would eventually have to explain.

It was just going to be super hard to do after the night we had just had. For a moment there, my life had seemed to be working itself back to normal, but then that cloud of reality appeared and hovered above me. And it was like no matter what I did or tried, I couldn't get rid of it. I couldn't dodge it and forget it; I had to deal with it. It just reminded me once again of what I was giving up and why I had to. I would give up anything I had to for the people I love. I take a deep breath and try to swallow the tears as they gloss over my eyes. I didn't want to cry right now, not after what had just happened. It would ruin the moment for me but I couldn't just avoid it. I couldn't push it back and live in the now knowing I was about sacrifice something that meant so much to me, once again.

'What's wrong, Roza?' I startle as I didn't even realize he was awake and watching me.

I start to shake my head but realize he would eventually get it out of me. I take a breath and the air comes out shaky, instantly Dimitri had his fingers in my hair and his eyes draw me in. 'You have to go back...'

He sighs and lifts my head up to look at him. 'Yeah.'

He knew what this meant as well, we would have to figure out the hard part now. What to do next and how to go about it. It didn't matter to me though, this was my life and I was going to make the best of it. If that meant giving him up so he could purse his, then I would do it, gladly. It was just going to be a matter of convincing him it was the right thing to do. A long distance thing would make everything that much harder to deal with now.

Things would get in the way and we would be right back to where we just left. I couldn't do that to him or to Meredith, I couldn't ask him to choose, it wasn't fair of me and I would never do that to him. So with another deep breath, I take his hand in mine and look to them as I speak. 'It's almost your second year... What are we going to do, Comrade?'

He sighs and holds me tighter to his body. He grips my hand in his and kisses my knuckles. 'I'm not sure but we'll figure it out, Roza.'

'There isn't time to figure it out, Comrade, you're leaving tomorrow. You're leaving and I'm working, and taking care of Meredith... and there's all these things that are going on and time that we don't have. Things will get messed up again and we'll-we'll be back here, back to not knowing what to do... back to feeling miserable and missing each other and it will get bad all over again.'

'You can't think that way, Roza, we can't think like that. We just have to figure it out as we go along.' I sit up and turn my body to face him.

I shake my head no and his expression changes to guarded. 'It's not that simple, Dimitri, I have Mer full time now. It's her and work and trying to survive on my own now. I can't wait on anything and you shouldn't have to either.' I swallow as he watches me and his eyes change again. 'You have this plan for yourself, this opportunity you have worked so hard for and I don't want to take that from you. I can't take that from you, I refuse.' He sighs and shakes his head in disagreement.

He knew I was right, he knew I had a point but he didn't want to see it. 'We can make this work, Roza, I'll come down on weekends and I'll help you with Meredith. We can start small and figure things out from there-'

'You're not listening to me, Comrade.' He wipes this face frustrated and then sits up next to me. 'I don't want that for you or for me. I want you to finish school and I want you to do everything you were before. You shouldn't have to change your life because I have to. You got so much going on now and I want that for you, I want you to go after your goals. You can't get stuck here just because I am.' He's silent as I finish and pondering over everything I've just said.

He knows it's true, I can see it on his face and I knew he knew that I would never let him settle. He shakes his head again frustrated and tired, and possibly annoyed with me for ruining this moment. One that we both desperately needed and wanted. 'Why do you think I would be settling if we did try it as I mentioned before? Or that it wouldn't work?'

He's leaned back on the head board of my bed now. I move closer and sit with my back to his chest. 'It wouldn't, I know it wouldn't and I wouldn't want you here resenting me later on.'

'I would never resent you, Roza, that's ridiculous.' I shrug and he holds me tighter against him. 'Why is it you think you have to have give so much of yourself up? I don't understand that at all.'

The question flicks something within me and I turn to face him, slightly annoyed that he wasn't getting it. He awaits my reply, 'Do you not comprehend how much I love you? What you mean to me?' The question surprises him and he looks a little stumped. 'I would never let you just give up what you worked so hard for to just be here.'

He sighs, 'Then what do you suggest, Roza. Where does all this leave us now?'

I swallow and look to my hands before working up the courage look up at him and say what I'm about to say. Which to be honest, I kind of couldn't believe I was going to say it. 'I think you should go back to school and that eventually... eventually we'll have our time.' His face shifts quickly into a glare but also he looks a tad confused at my words. 'I just want you to think about it but know that-that I love you. No matter what and I want you to be happy, that's all that matters to me.'

There's silence after that and it lingers for a really long time. We were back at a standstill, back to not knowing what was going to happen next but I knew he would make the right decision. For himself. The quiet gets longer and longer and before I know it, we're both asleep tangled in each other.

It was hard leaving him with something like this and I didn't intend to but it had come to it. I didn't want him to leave behind all that he worked so hard for. If I had the chance I know he would have done the same for me, if things were turned around he would've wanted me to go after what I wanted. And I wanted that for him, I wanted him to have his chance, his time. It shouldn't be taken from him the way it was taken from me or in any way at all. He didn't deserve that, no one did.

**I just noticed that we passed 100 reviews, thanks guys, you're the bestest! Also this chapter was really hard to write cause I wanted to do it from Dimitri's point of view but I think writing it from RPOV, I couldnt really get my head into it. So if this sucks, I do apologize but I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading and just, you know, being awesome and stuff (:**


	10. Chapter 10

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**Chapter 10:** And in between it's never as it seems.

Fear. Fear is something I have lived with since I was a kid. It was something that was constant in my childhood. I was afraid of a lot of things as a kid; people hurting my mother or Mer, Janine's drunken rampages and the impact they would have on us. I was mostly afraid of waking up one morning and finding my mother lifeless somewhere in the house. That used to scare the shit out of me completely then I grew up and couldn't care less. Now different things scare me, things that no normal person would ever be scared of.

Things like an unknown future and planning ahead. Things like letting people in, which I have had a difficult time doing since I was a kid. The thing that scared me the most though, the one thing I couldn't handle if it ever happen again was being disappointed by someone I love. Someone who was supposed to be there from the get go and never let me down.

I have to thank my mother for that trait though because if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have woken up in bed alone yesterday. I wouldn't have felt like that gaping hole in my chest was sinking in all over again, just deeper now. I wouldn't have told the love of my life that he should go on and be without me. I wouldn't be regretting it with every fiber of my being at this very moment. See fear, it makes you think in a defensive way. It makes you cautious and think way too much. It makes you ask yourself, what if? I had thought, for some stupid reason, that I was doing him a favor. That I was pulling my shit aside and letting him go on and achieve his dreams without having any burden to stop him. I thought that this was the right thing to do but I had realized, very quickly, that I wasn't doing any kind of right by pushing him away.

And that's just what I did, I pushed him and so he left.

No goodbyes or see you soon or kissing and hugs, no nothing. I just woke up yesterday morning cold from the chill of my open window and the missing warmth from the body that was supposed to be next to me. It only took me the two seconds from laying down to sitting up on my bed to realize, I was a dumbass. But the thing about being a dumbass is you don't actually realize you're being one until Dimitri Belikov leaves you, in bed, nakey.

As the morning went on I went through the routine fighting a quiet war within myself. Did I do the right thing or did I just completely lose him? Did I make the right choice telling him to go or was I a bigger dumbass than I realized? And the answers were clear as soon as Meredith opened her mouth that morning. 'Why didn't he tell me goodbye, Roses, he said he would come see me before he left?'

I didn't know how to answer that and I was wondering the same thing myself. So with a shrug I put the focus on getting ready for school and gave her some half-assed lie about going to the Belikova's after I picked her up. We didn't go over and Mer was pretty upset with me -again- but what could I do? It was too late, he was gone or so Viktoria had said and it was my fault.

Now I didn't think I deserved a goodbye from him but I knew he would at least see Meredith before leaving. Well, at least I thought he would but when he didn't, that was strange to me. He would never not talk to her because he was upset with me, Dimitri wasn't like that but it did piss me off a little. I think I was more pissed off at myself because I caused it; I pushed him to leave like that. However, growing up the way I did, being let down quite a lot in life by the one person who was supposed to be there no matter what; it has it's effects.

And, well, here we are back to square one.

The fear of being let down by someone else I loved and someone else who was supposed to be there no matter what. I had grown a lot my senior year of high school and I became sure of the person who I wanted to be. I just didn't trust it or myself of being capable to be that person. Too many things and people have given and taken from me for me to be able to trust it. It was a harsh way of looking at life but it was true. I loved him, yes, with my whole heart but words were just words to me. Promises were just a lie if you couldn't prove it and when I realized we were out of reach from each other, it just made the fear prove itself, not the promise. Janine Hathaway had cursed me in some way and I lost someone I loved because of that curse. My inability, as I've come to call it.

'You still haven't talked to him?' I come to and look up from the inventory list I was going over as Lissa watches me mope around.

I gather some air into my lungs and release it heavily, 'No.'

She nods and then turns her head looking around the cafe. It was really quiet now that lunch was over but I could feel the heavy tension in the air. She wanted to say something and I didn't know what or if I wanted to hear it. The only thing I knew was that Lissa was never able to hold back her curiosity and I was right. 'Well, what about your friend Sydney, maybe she's talked to him? You should call and ask her, you know, see what his problem is...'

I shake my head at the thought and think to myself if that was a good idea, but I knew better. He didn't say goodbye for a reason. 'No. I think Sydney's busy with school and stuff anyway.' And just to try and shut her up about the subject, 'We'll talk when we're ready.'

Of course, Lissa knew better but that didn't stop her from continuing on. She nods twice and then looks to the floor nervously before speaking again. 'It's just, you know you look so sad and everything… I don't know, I thought maybe if you talked to him, you can at least feel a little better about it.'

I knew she didn't understand why I wouldn't call him but she understood why I did it. At least, I hope she did. 'I do feel good about it. It was the right thing to do.' I had made the mistake of looking at her when I said that and the word bullshit didn't have to come out of her mouth for me to know she wasn't buying it. It was in her eyes but I couldn't let it bother me anymore, especially in front of her. 'I'll get over it, Liss.'

She sighs exasperated, 'I don't know how you do you it, Rose.' This captures my attention and I look at her again as she goes on. 'How you go through all this and still show up to work without breaking...' She shakes her head in disbelief. 'You're a lot stronger than me, than most people I know actually.'

I nod in agreement and my eyes go back to the paper. 'I have to be, there's no time to break.'

It's quiet for a long while before she talks again but when she does, it comes out as a soft whisper I'm not sure I was supposed to hear. 'Or you're incredibly terrified...'

The words come out low but I still hear them, well, most of them. I lost her voice as my head snapped up and I caught what she was actually saying. 'What is that supposed to mean?'

Lissa's jade green eyes widen at my accusing voice and her shocked expression proves I wasn't supposed to hear that. She stumbles a bit at first, her mouth opening and closing without a sound coming out and the nervous glances to everywhere but me give her away. 'N-nothing. I didn't-I didn't mean to pry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Rose.' I put the clipboard I was holding down onto the counter and watch as she smiles nervously at me. 'No, if you have something to say then by all means, Liss, say it.' She swallows loud and thick before shaking her head no but I wasn't letting it go so easily. 'No, come on, tell me what you said. I want to know what you mean by that; I'm incredibly terrified of what?'

'Say it.' I voice aloud and wait for her as she gathers some courage and looks to the floor again before talking. 'Liss?'

It takes a deep breath and a nod of her head for her to reassure herself before she finally looks at me and opens her mouth. 'I just- from what you've told me, I think that you're, well, you're maybe a little… afraid.'

She had no idea but I wasn't going to let her know she was right. It would be easier for me to just drop this subject and busy myself with work but she wasn't letting it go. 'And what am I afraid of exactly?' Intimidation was key at the point.

She swallowed again and fidgeted with her hands as she spoke. 'Rose, you were pining for this guy not a few days ago, telling me you missed him and how much you love him, and then he gets here and you're all in love and happy... And now-now you're telling me you told him to leave? To just go about his life without you like it's the easiest thing in the world for either of you. It makes no sense, Rose, that's really stupid logic if you ask me.'

'Well, no one was asking you, so drop it.' I snap and turn to leave into the back room.

'Well as your friend, I'm giving you my advice whether you want it or not, Rose.' Her voice was now loud and booming throughout the cafe, making me angrier. It was a good thing no customers where here and that Ms. Voda was off somewhere else right now because I was sure we would've gotten into some serious trouble if anyone was hearing this. 'If you love him and want to be with him you should work it out. You wouldn't be telling him to leave like it's some noble selfless act, you're just afraid.' And there it was she had figured some of it out. 'I just don't understand, why?'

As I turn to face her the bell above the door goes off and my mouth opens in surprise instead of anger. 'Mer, what are you doing here?' Meredith rushes to me and I bend down to hug her. I had never seen her face so happy than it was right now, her smile was wide and joyful and my frustration with Lissa quickly fell. 'What are you doing here, Mer, you're supposed to be in school. What's going on?'

She smiles big again, glowing with eagerness and then she turns around to face the door, my eyes follow her and I freeze at the figure in the doorway. 'He came back, Roses.'

Meredith's voice echo off in my head but my brain doesn't seem to catch up. There in the doorway with this loving defiant look in his sweet brown eyes was Dimitri. He stood tall and proud like we hadn't just had all these heartbreaking things happen between us. As if we didn't have this emotional mess happening before us and all these things left undone. He stood there in his boots, jeans and long sleeved shirt with this glint in his eyes like he was about to save the world.

And in a way he kind of was.

'Dimitri? Wh-what are doing here? I thought you went back to school already?' He shook his head no and then looks down to Meredith with a slight smirk and she smiled right back. It was like they knew something I didn't but my mind couldn't focus on that yet because what the hell was he doing here?

He looks back to me and walks up to where Meredith as I stood in front of the counter. They gave each other another knowing glance and then he spoke. 'Ivan dropped me off... I uh, I picked up Meredith from school and we walked straight over.' He holds my eyes for a long lingering minute and just as I'm about to ask why he had picked up Mer or why didn't he say goodbye, he reaches into his back pocket and holds out a folded piece of paper to me.

I don't take it at first, a little too stunned and possibly shocked that he was actually here. It takes an encouraging nod of his head for me to slowly reach my hand out and take the paper. I glance at him before unfolding it and reading. The words aren't making any sense and my brain hasn't fully processed what I was reading from his sudden appearance. 'What is this, why are giving it to me?'

Our eyes finally meet and his gaze is proudly gleaming in the light, like he knew he had done something right but there was still some uncertainty shining through. As if he wasn't sure what I would say or do but he was still going to take the chance anyway. 'What is this, Dimitri?'

He swallows hard and loud, his jaw clenches a few times before he licks his lips and opens his mouth to talk. 'Proof, Roza.'

He doesn't say anything else for an extremely long minute. He just leaves me in anticipation, waiting with the paper still in my hand as I watch him take a deep breath and gather himself for his next words. 'It's a lease.'

A lease? I silently think. I don't say my thought out loud yet because he gets that knowing look in his eyes again and glances back down to Mer who was just watching us both with this excited glint in her clear blue eyes. Now I knew she knew something that I didn't and it was starting to annoy me. 'A lease? A lease for what?'

'For an apartment right across campus.' Once those words settle into my brain I don't have time to ponder over it because he's already ranting off. 'It's got two bedrooms and two bathrooms; it's a good space, Roza. And there's this school like two miles from the university, Meredith can go there it's a good school. I looked into it online this morning...' He steps closer to me and grabs my free hand, clutching it gently but the grip was strong. He was excited and I had a feeling it was because of everything he was saying to me right now. 'There's also this mall nearby, we could find work there or on campus, the bookstore is always looking for people to help out. And the student center is full of help wanted ads, we can find _something_ I'm sure of it, Roza.'

'I've been looking into it online all morning-' I pull my hand out of his, shaking my head at everything that had just spewed out of his mouth.

'Wh-wait, what? Dimitri, how in hell did you get a lease on an apartment? What are you even doing he-' He shakes his head this time and grabs my shoulders pulling me back to as close to his body as he could.

'I sold the truck and I took all my savings out of the bank, it's fine though my mother knows, she help me find the apartment.' Wait, what?

'She what? Dimitri, you sold your truck-wait! What is going on, what are you talking about?' I couldn't comprehend what he was saying to me. It was like my mind was about to burst from all the sudden information and the shock of what he did. This wasn't right; he left yesterday morning back to school, back to a life he worked hard for. 'No, no we decided- I thought we agreed-'

'You didn't say we couldn't do both, Roza!' After those words were spoken, there was this silence that followed.

It was the loudest sound in my brain because it caused me to think about and actually take in what it was he was saying. He had went off and sold his truck and found an apartment and what? What did all that mean, for him, for me and Mer? But before I could voice those questions, he slowly and gently cupped my face into his hands and started talking to me with the most sincere look in his eyes I have ever seen.

'We can do this, Roza, I truly believe that.' He swallows hard and licks his lips and I fight not to kiss him hard because of the way he was looking at me. 'I know you're scared and I know I put that fear inside you when I let myself make all those stupid mistakes but _we can do_ _this_. We can work it out, Roza, I want to help you. I want to be with you and prove to you that I will never disappoint you again, I swear it.' I swallowed the choking lump that was growing in my throat and fought back the gloss of tears that were threatening to spill over. Those damn eyes, those dark chocolate depthless eyes reeled me in and had my heart pounding away. 'I want us; I want to raise Meredith with you, Roza. I want that more than anything I've wanted in my whole entire life.'

'Oh my god!' Lissa's gasp and words sound off in the background but I can't take my eyes from his to look and see. I just know her and I know she's standing there covering her mouth and watching as this romantic moment happens right in front of her like some cheesy romance movie.

Dimitri leans in closer, our lips just about to touch in the softest of kisses but he doesn't make the connection. 'We can do this, Roza. We can do anything, as long as we do it together. I won't let you down, ever again, I promise. Please, please, I'm doing the best I can here, for us, for me you and Meredith.' I close my eyes not being able to fight against the loving longing look in his eyes and he leans his forehead on mine touching our lips together barely. 'We're a family, Roza, you said so yourself. This is what I want more than anything. A life-my life without you, that isn't an option for me. I could go back to college, make something of myself and make lots of money but that wouldn't make me happy.'

At this my eyes open and the salty tears fall. There was so much going through my head all at once and his words were promising so many things, I didn't know how to take them. He kisses me again and I react, kissing him back barely able to move my lips along with his as all this goes through my head. 'You make me happy, so happy, just being with you... that's all I want.' He whispers that last part softly against my lips and I ache to kiss him hard but my head is a swirling mess.

A giant moving mess of everything he's just said and everything I'm feeling. I didn't know where to start or what to think or what to say? And then there were his eyes, looking at me with all the love he could conjure up inside.

'If you you're not going to go with him, I will.' We both snap our gazes to Lissa as she held her hand to her chest and looked at us with wide eyes. She watched us, amused and I threw her a glare for interrupting the moment. Then my eyes were back on his and I can't think straight again.

All the worries and sacrifices he would be making were slamming themselves against the doubts in my mind. The thoughts about how kind he was for thinking ahead like this, for going out and doing everything he's done. All the plans he's made and the words he said, and how they were the most touching romantic thing anyone has ever said to me. He meant them, I seen it in his eyes how much he meant them. There were still doubts though and they were fighting their way into the happiness I was feeling crawling through my body. There were so many things he didn't take into consideration and so many things he didn't think through and- 'Rose!'

I shake my head and snap out of it to face Lissa. She stood there with her hands on her hips and this knowing glare in her eyes. She knew I was thinking and working my brain on overdrive to try and get out of this but why? I asked myself as I looked back to Dimitri and noticed he was anxiously waiting for my answer.

Thoughts and worries and things swirled in my head but I couldn't think of one reason why I shouldn't agree to this. The doubts seemed to have shut up or evaporated as I caught Dimitri's eyes shift into slight worry. I didn't want to disappoint him, not after all he's done for me and Mer. Not after he went and thought of all these things and made all these plans for our life. Yeah, _our life_, a life we could make together... Fuck it.

'When do we move in, Comrade?' As soon as the words left my mouth this wide sexy beautiful smile stretched across his handsome face.

And then his lips were on mine, hard and passionate and so many other things. It was like he was finally able to breathe; _like I was_ finally able to breath and in that moment my heart has never felt more at peace.

The swarming thoughts of doubt in my head were non-existent. The panic and fear that had made me push him away had been swallowed by the heat of his body close to mine and his thoughtfulness, and his good heart and all these other things that had my heart swarming. He was here and he was staying, and I could feel it with my whole being how much he loved me. How dumb I was being about trying to give him a chance at his own life when really, I should have seen that I was a big part of his life.

I finally pull my lips from his and we're both left breathing heavy. 'Are you sure, are you sure this is what you want-' He shakes his head no before I can even finish the question and once again cups my face in his strong gentle hands. 'Stop asking if I'm sure, I'm positive. I've already done it, Roza. This is it for us; this is where our life truly begins. A life of our own and you don't have to be afraid of it, _ever_.' He meant every word; I saw it as he spoke and heard it in his deep velvety voice.

'Okay.' And with that leaving my mouth, we went right back to making out in the middle of the cafe.

**...**

'I still can't believe you went and got a lease on some apartment-'

'On our apartment, Roza, it's ours now, it's our home.' I smile and crawl deeper into the warmth of his body.

We had put Meredith to bed after having dinner at the pizza parlor after I got off work. He and Meredith ended up staying there and when Ms. Voda came in she said I could leave early. I suspected Lissa talked her into it because they went off in the back room and I could hear them giggling like school girls, so I'm sure Liss told her what happen.

Then Lissa and I hugged it out after our little heated spat. I knew she was just trying to make me feel better and figure things out but I shouldn't have got upset at her for it. I was just trying to block out how much I missed Dimitri and how much I screwed up by telling him to leave. I think it was just years of Janine disappointing me that had scared me into thinking I had to prevent that from happening again, even though I should've known Dimitri wouldn't risk it.

Now we were in my bed, still partially clothed, just enjoying each other's company because now I didn't have to be afraid of being with him. I knew for a fact that we would work it out and do the best we could with what we had, a little sister included. 'How did you find a place so fast anyway?'

He smiles and tucks my head under his chin before answering. I inhale his smell and close my eyes as his voice rumbles through the soft skin of his chest. 'It was actually Ivan's idea. I was moping around the dorm just getting back and he was going on and on about getting this place he saw on the other side of campus, since we're able to move out of the dorms next semester. I was driving myself insane trying to think of a way to get you to give us a second chance... I knew I had to prove myself to you.'

He takes a deep breath as I listen and feel right at home all tangled up with him like this. 'You remember when we first started going out, when I first promised to always be there?' I nod somehow smothered in his body and he goes on. 'You said I had to prove my word, not just say it but mean it and show you that I did.'

'And then you re-broke your nose and got grounded for a whole month for beating the shit out of some asshole.' We laugh at the memory and he holds me tighter.

'Yeah, not a good look for me. But I remembered what you said and I knew that was what I had to do, make you see that I would never make that mistake again. I know how what you've been through with your mother and I know her going back to drinking had hurt you so much. I didn't want you to feel like that towards me. I didn't want to be another person who let you down when you needed me the most.'

I nod again and my arms squeeze themselves around his waist somehow. 'I know you didn't mean to and that we both sort of got lost in other things. I just thought for some reason giving you up was the right thing to do, mostly because I didn't want you to disappoint me again. I think I just tried to play it off like I was doing you a favor but really, I was only splitting us even more apart than we were...'

He sighs deeply and kisses my head lightly. There's a silence that follows and even though it's short I know why he needed it. This was a lot to take in, things have been happening to us both so rapidly but now we were in control. And now we were going have our chance at something we both wanted more than ever; to be together. And we were going to take everything that came with it, Meredith and college, and growing up included.

'You remember when I told you that if you ever got tired of all the drama of my life, that you could leave?' He nods at my mumbled question and I know he thinks I'm going to start that again but no way. Now that I had him and I knew this is where I wanted to be, I was keeping him. 'I hope you never leave me... I want you to stay with me forever.'

I close my eyes tightly against him and feel his lips leave light kisses in my hair and on my head. 'I will, I promise I will, Roza.'

I look up to him and see the reassurance deep in his eyes; we kiss and become lost in it for a minute. Until he breaks away barely and whispers against my lips. 'This is going to work, Roza, you could still be with Meredith... and I could still be with you.'

And that was all it took for me to flip him on his back and take advantage of his superbly sexy body. A whole bunch of times.

**...Moving Day...**

'Do I have my own room?'

'Yes, Mer.'

'So it's all mines and I can do whatever I want with it?'

'Yes, Mer.'

'Can I paint it purple... with yellow flowers on the walls and clouds painted on the roof and, oh, can I put stars that glow in the dark on there too? And some purple curtains with purple blankets and giant pillows covered in purple-'

'Meredith!' My voice booms and echoes in the nearly empty house as I finally get my sister to stop talking.

It turned out she knew Dimitri's plan the whole time and since then has been harassing me with all things purple to put in her room of the new apartment. We were moving the rest of our things today and would actually be staying there tonight. We had started little by little to move everything out, the big stuff first but since Mer and I didn't have much it didn't take too long. Dimitri and I wanted to buy our own furniture for our place, so all we were taking were the necessities.

'Let's just worry about getting everything moved and set up before we start talking about purple rooms and clouds and what not, okay?' She nods reluctantly and then heads to door where Dimitri was loading the boxes into Ivan's car.

'Just remember, Roses, you said I could do what I want with it.' I roll my eyes and nod as she goes outside to help Dimitri with the last load of our things.

I was taping the last of the boxes and was just about to take them outside when my awesome boyfriend walked in the house. He was sweaty and excited and I couldn't fight the immediate smile that spread across my face when I caught sight of him. He smiled tenderly and pulled me in for a kiss which I returned gratefully. 'I almost got everything packed up then we can head over to mama's and say our goodbyes. Then we'll head on home?' I nod and smile at the word home, I loved when he said that.

I had gotten lucky to find an opening at the campus bookstore and would start in a few days. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to school yet, I think when things finally get settled and Mer is a little older and able to take care of herself more I would go back. I just had to get the timing right and really think about what I wanted for myself. And Dimitri had no problem supporting that. Now we still had some kinks and things to talk and work out, which we will but we were just trying to live in the now. To get everything started.

To live the moments we had together right now because it felt like we had missed so much time together after everything got mixed up. We were taking it one day at a time and we were talking about everything a lot more. Dimitri was adamant on us not screwing things up again just as I was about taking care of Meredith. And for the first time in a long time, I felt happy.

I had the two people who I loved most in the world with me and we were starting a new life together, our own life. And we weren't going to let people, plans or fears get in the way anymore.

'Okay, well, it's just these last three and then we can be on our way.' He nods and bends to lift one of the boxes at our feet. 'Oh, actually, I better take Mer to Alberta's she wanted to say goodbye before we left.' He nods and I make my way outside to Meredith.

'Hey, let's go see Ms. Petrov before we go, okay?' Mer nods and runs over to Alberta's as I check the mailbox one last time.

We had already switched addresses but I just wanted to make sure there was nothing left behind. As I watch Alberta open her front door and greets Mer, my hand comes in contact with an envelope and I pull it out of the metal box. I see it's addressed to me and place it in my back pocket as I walk up to Alberta's door and smile. 'I'm going to miss you so much, Meredith, you and Rose have to come back and visit me. Don't stay away too long, you girls still have family here, you know?' Meredith nods and hugs Alberta tightly as she makes eye contact with me in a knowing glance.

I nod in understanding and then I'm pulled tightly into Alberta's arms for a strong comforting hug. 'I mean it, Rose; you bring yourselves back here and come talk to me. I'll always be here for you girls, you're like daughters to me.' I nod and hug her back swallowing the growing lump in my throat.

'We will, I promise, Alberta.' I finally pull back and come face to face with her, remembering all the times and things she did for us. 'I don't know how I can thank you for everything you've done...'

She smiles and waves her hand waving off my words. 'You girls being happy and healthy are thank you enough, Rose. That's all I care about is that you're okay and Meredith is taken care of.'

I nod and we end up in another hug again. 'I'll take care of her, I promise.'

'I know you will I'm not worried about you girls anymore. I know you'll be okay now, you've got big strong hearted Dimitri with you now, so I don't have to worry.' We laugh and break apart standing in the doorway of her home.

A home we were always welcome into and I will never forget Alberta or what she has done for me and Mer. She was a mother to us when ours wasn't there and she was part of my family, blood relation or not. I would always hold her close to my heart and I meant when I said we would come back and visit her. She was a big part of Meredith's and mine life and always would be.

'I don't want you to worry about her, Rose, not anymore. You understand, she made her choice and now she has to live with it. You don't blame yourself and never let Meredith think that either.' I nod in understanding and my eyes water at her concern.

'I know. I know it's on her and I'm okay with that. I just, I know Mer's going to ask about her and miss her... that's the only thing I'm concerned about when it comes to Janine.' Alberta nods as we watch Mer run off to help Dimitri load the car. 'You tell her the truth, Rose, when she's ready and remember that Meredith is a smart girl. So she'll be ready, even when you think she won't be, she's strong.' I nod and turn back to Alberta with a last smile.

We hug again and this time it's long, comforting but a little sad too. 'I don't know what I would've done without you...' She laughs it off but squeezes me once more before letting go.

'You're a strong woman, Rose; you would've figured something out. Just remember to stay strong and enjoy yourself, you'll be fine, Rose. I know it; you're going to do great.' And with that she smiles at me and I can see in her eyes she truly believes her words.

'You okay?' I nod as we buckle ourselves in and Dimitri starts the car.

'Yeah, I'm fine, just tired… and sad' I look out to see the house I grew up in for the last time and spot Alberta watching from her front door. I wave and she returns it. 'I think I'm actually going to miss this place.'

He reaches across the seats for my hand and squeezes softly before putting the car into drive and heading onto the road. I look over to him and smile, thinking about all the memories I shared with him in that house. Our first time together and how he showed up after I had thrown out my mother. I think of all the times Meredith and I had there too. The breakfast for dinner we had and the laughs we shared even the bad times and how it made us closer to each other.

I think about my mother and where she is and what she's doing, and I hope it was worth it for her. I hope choosing her addiction over her children was worth it because I wasn't going to waste another thought on her and what she's done. This was it, like Dimitri had said, it was our life now and we were going to live it the best we could. I reach for my phone in my pocket to call Lissa since she wanted to know when we were leaving. She had a few more months to go and then she was headed to California since she saved up just about enough for tuition. I told her to meet us at Olena's, so we could say our goodbyes there but when I got my phone I remembered the letter.

So pulling it out, I turn it to read the address and notice it had come from Utah. 'Utah? I don't know anyone in Utah.'

Dimitri turns to face me as I open the letter, 'What is that?'

'I don't know it was in the mailbox when I checked it. It's addressed from Utah; I've never even been to Utah...' I open it and right away recognize the messy handwriting.

It was in pen and the words flowed in long paragraphs, even popping out a little on the paper like the words were written hard. I almost didn't want to read it when I spotted the name at the bottom of the page but decided, with a long sigh, to just go ahead.

'What's wrong?' Dimitri catching my long frustrated breath was watching me from the corner of his eye and I lower my voice so not to alert Meredith in the backseat.

'It's from my mom.' He throws me a glance and then looks back to the road as I begin reading.

_Rosemarie_

_I've tried many many times to write this as best as I could. I threw away many letters before this and I only chose this one because I don't think you will even bother reading it. However, in case you do, I thought this explained best what I wanted to say. So, here it goes..._

_I am in Utah, at a facility where they specialize in fighting addiction. I'm sure you're well aware that I had left shortly after you kicked me out of the house and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. In all honesty, I didn't know I would be coming here at all. I had thought we were headed for Nevada, where a friend of mine lives who I met back at rehab. She was the one who drove me here under the instructions of Pavel, who called her and told her that I needed help._

_Now I know you two have met and to answer your question, yes, he is the reason I began drinking again. While during my stay in rehab, I met and fell in love with Pavel except he was in a relationship. They were on and off and while they were off he was with me, then he left rehab and they got serious. So I took that heartache and turned into an excuse to drink. I chose to throw away all the progress I made with myself and Meredith, and even with you.__I can apologize for that and for everything else that I have put you through but I don't think I would be given your forgiveness so easily. And I understand that completely, in fact I don't want it. Not yet, I want to earn it and the only way I can think of to do that is to stay here and clean up. To take control of my life and deserve the wonderful girls that I have been blessed with._

_I won't ask you to forgive me; I know how hard that is for you. I also will not ask for Meredith's forgiveness because I know what that answer will be and I don't deserve it from her. All that I ask of you and all that I ever will is that you'll be strong for her show her that you're not a disappointment like I am. Tell her how much you love her and hug her every day because I want nothing more than to do that every single minute I'm here and I can't._

_I don't deserve that and I know it but you, Rosemarie, you have every right to feel the way you feel towards me. I don't blame you and I never will. I just want you to know how proud I am of you. I don't know if that means anything to you but I'm hoping it does. You are what Meredith needs and I'm not worried about her if she's with you. You'll take care of her, you'll take care of each other, and I know it._

_Thank you for stepping up and taking responsibility for my Mer bear. Thank you for not taking any more of my crap and doing something about it. Thank you for making me realize what a great daughter I have even though I had nothing to do with the way you turned out. I'm just sure Meredith will turn out very much the same and I'm grateful for that._

_There's an event later on in the program where patients can get visitors. In this time it's supposed to be family and friends and all they do is talk about how everything got screwed up and how it made everyone feel. It's not for a long while and I know the answer before I even ask but I was hoping you would come so I can at least see Meredith. Just think it over; it's not for a few months from now. I leave it completely up to you and respect your answer no matter what._

_I gave you a reason to not trust me and I hate that more than anything. You are my oldest and the strongest, and I miss you like crazy but I understand your distance. And I'll respect it whole heartedly. I know I have a lot of making up to do and that I will never get the chance to make it up to you but I can try. I can do that for Meredith and be the mother that she deserves, the mother you both deserve. The one I should have been from the very start._

_I know this letter might not mean anything to you or possibly not even be seen but I mean every word of it, Rosemarie. I am so proud of you and the woman you've become. The women you and Meredith will both become. I love you Rosemarie... I love both my girls._

_Janine._

**I think this is a tad cheesy but that's just me and at least I tried. Also one more chapter and this story is kaput. Thanks for reading, you guys are awesome. (:**


	11. Chapter 11

Richelle Mead owns these characters.

**...Three Years Later...**

You know how some people say time flies when you're having fun? Well, it's true but in my case it would be more like time flies when you're busy. I mean, when you're raising your kid sister, working and going to college part-time, and then trying to have a relationship with a really hot Russian nerd who likes to read books about cowboys. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not complaining or anything but sometimes I sit back and think; where did the time go? How did we get here so quickly when it felt like just yesterday I was still giving Mer baths. I was still in high school worrying about hiding everything from everyone, hiding myself. Then Dimitri would walk by or Mer would say something and I'd snap out of it realizing; hey, look where we're at now.

I loved my life and everyone in it. I was surrounded by the best people in the world, a family who claimed us as their own, a neighbor who loved us like daughters and a guy who stuck by my side despite everything that was thrown our way. So, yes, time has flew by, Meredith grew up and I finally decided what I wanted for myself but it got better. In that quick span of months, weeks, days and hours; life got better. For all of us and I was happy, still am.

It wasn't easy and nothing ever is because if it was, being this happy wouldn't mean as much. It wouldn't ground me and keep my head in the positive state it's been in for the past three years. Yes, there were bumps in the road and curve balls thrown every now and then but we've come out on top. We have, my family, become stronger as a whole. We were each three different key parts in making our life work and we did it the best way we knew how; together.

'Will we be in the new place by the time I come back, Roses?' I look into the mirror above my head fixing my hair and give Meredith a nod in the backseat.

'Yeah, you're going to miss moving day, although, I think you and mom planned it that way on purpose.' I watch as Mer smirks and her eyes leave mine in the mirror. 'It was all part of the master plan, right?'

It's really not a question but more of a statement and her smirk widening into a smile confirms it. I shake my head and close the mirror as Dimitri makes a turn on all too familiar street. We headed to the Belikov's for dinner in celebration of Dimitri getting a job at some fancy forensics lab. I was so proud of him and happy for him, he worked his ass off to get here. Our relationship had only grown from where we used to be three years ago. We had figured out that raising a kid and still kind of being kids ourselves was hard but often times just as fun. We were partners in crime me and the Comrade. He was my rock, my best friend and I honestly don't know what I would do without him.

'Yeah, who wants to pack boxes with all of our crap and then unpack it again? I don't blame you for leaving, Meredith, just in time too.' He and Mer's relationship had grown a lot as well.

'See I'm not the only one who hates moving.' I roll my eyes at them and prepare for the question she's asked about a million times now since we told her about the move. 'Why can't we just stay at the apartment? I like being smashed like sardines in a can!'

It was the example I used when we told her about the new house we found and how easier it would make traveling everywhere. 'I know you love the apartment but the house is closer to Dimitri's new job...' When she didn't look convinced I knew just the thing to make it happen. 'You'll have a bigger room...'

'You know, bribing me never works, Roses.' She says fighting a smile and avoiding my eyes as I turned to face her.

It always worked bribing that kid, she was only nine but she was going on nineteen and even though I wanted to keep her a kid for as long as possible; sometimes I had to just let her grow up. I laugh and a sudden warm callused hand wraps around my own, with a look over to the driver side I smile. These were the moments I loved the most about the last three years. The ones where it was just the three of us, in our own world, feeling happy and together. And things were about to become even better after tonight.

'It looks like we're here, ladies, let's get this over with.' Dimitri sighs as he parks and shuts off the car. 'Are we really ready to do this, Roza?'

In the silence of the car, parked out front of his childhood home, we waited to gather ourselves. To say tonight was going to be exciting was kind of an understatement. I nod and squeeze his hand gently, looking out to the porch lighting the front yard. I sigh, 'As ready as we'll ever be, Comrade.'

Once Mer is out of the car and walking toward the door, Dimitri pulls me aside and I read nervousness in his eyes. It was kind of odd for this to happen, he was never nervous, about anything. In fact he was always the one reassuring me but thinking about what we're about to do, I get it clearly. I smile at ease and take both his hands in mine as we hear Paul greet Mer at the door. Once I capture his depthless eyes in mine, the uncertainty in his dampens a little. 'You know, they're going to find out sooner or later... we might as well get this over with.'

He nods, 'True but you know once it's out there and they know things are going to get loud... and crazy... and loud.' I laugh and squeeze his hands in mine. 'Then the questions will come and then Viktoria will have some snarky comment to make, and then Karolina's going to want to start deciding stuff... It's going to be chaos once the bomb is dropped, Roza, are you-I mean, are you sure you're ready for that?'

He had a point and I knew everything he said was exactly what was going to happen but I didn't care. I wanted this, I wanted this next phase of our life to start as soon as possible and I knew that for sure. So looking back up to his sweet brown eyes and smiling in as much certainty as I could muster up, I nod. 'I'm positive, Comrade, besides that's our family in there and all the chaos will hopefully mean that they're happy for us.' He nods smiling down at me and then meeting our lips in a soft kiss.

'Will you two quit sucking face and get in here! Mama says we can't eat until everyone is here and I'm starving!' I laugh as Dimitri rolls his eyes at his younger sister and I drag him by the hand inside the house.

'So, Mr. CSI, we heard you bought a house? How come mama had to tell us and you didn't?' Karolina was the eldest of the Belikov children and even though she was really funny, she was also very nosey.

Dimitri's silent shrug causes her to smack her lips at him as we pass bowls and plates of food around the dinner table. It was common to have dinner at the Belikova house but tonight we were celebrating Dimitri's new job and also something else that no one but us three knew. It was just a matter of when the right time to say something would come. We had both knew once we decided something this big, his family was first to know and now that it was time, I was beginning to get nervous like Dimitri was.

'Oh, c'mon, Dimka, you have to tell us everything or we'll hound Rose for it and she _will _crack.' We laugh knowing all too well she was right. I loved Dimitri's sisters but they can get really crazy with things like that.

'Why are you so nosey, Karolina, if I wanted the whole world to know I would've said something.' Dimitri liked to give his sisters a hard time because they were always making fun of him being whipped, their words not mine.

'Aw, what's wrong little brother, do you need permission from your podruga to talk?' See what I mean? He rolls his eyes and passes me a roll as I smile teasingly at him. He hated when they started that because I would only laugh and encourage them, I thought it was funny. 'Well, c'mon give us the details. Where is it and how much did you buy it for?'

I smile as I think of the new house we we're moving to. It was a surprise that we found one we both loved so quickly after deciding to move closer to the lab he would be working at. It had a huge backyard and three spacious bedrooms, and it wasn't too far from campus. So I could keep my night classes and Mer could stay in her school as well. Before Dimitri got hired at the lab we had talked about moving to a bigger place since we were becoming a little crammed in the apartment. It was kind of sad though to leave that place, that was where we had become a real family and I was going to miss it just as much as Mer was.

However, we needed a bigger place and something close to where everyone had to be. The house was the first one we went to look at and Dimitri decided then and there that it was the one. It was perfect for the three of us. And it was the house that we both wanted to make a home of our own. 'I didn't buy it, we're renting it. I don't know maybe somewhere down the line we'll actually buy it and make it ours.' Dimitri looks to me with a glint in his eyes as the excitement for what we were hiding was starting to get to him.

'Well duh! It's already yours, you're going to live in it, loser!' Viktoria rolls her eyes at Dimitri's comment and gets a glare from Olena.

'That's not what he means, Viktoria, all of you leave your brother alone and eat. We here in celebration, not to interrogate poor Dimka.' All three of the Belikov sisters roll their eyes and shake their heads at Olena's protectiveness of Dimitri. 'When does Meredith leave for Utah, have you got that all settled, Rose?'

I nod and swallow the food in my mouth before speaking. 'Yeah, she leaves tomorrow morning actually; my mom got the airline to have one of those escorts for her. They're supposed to take her to and from the plane since I won't be flying with her this time.' I give Mer a look and she smiles proudly. It was her idea to fly to Utah by herself this summer and even though it took a lot of convincing from her Dimitri and my mother, I finally gave in and agreed.

'Well, look at you Meredith, such a big girl now.' Olena laughs at Mer's smile. 'And school, Rose, did you get through your finals okay?'

I nod, 'Yeah, I think I did okay. At least I hope so, I studied for like ever. We'll have to see when they post grades.' I was in my second year of college now.

I had finally decided to go back and chose to major in psychology. It was a tough choice for me to make because I kept changing my mind about going back at all but with some convincing from Dimitri and even Mer, I had took full advantage. I was still working and everything but school was a lot easier when I had help. Olena and Viktoria were a huge help along with Dimitri. When I had to study or work on a project, one of them would take care of Mer for me so I could get everything done.

Olena's aged but gentle hand covers my own and she squeezes lightly before throwing me a smile. 'You will be fine, Rose, you're a smart girl and you've worked hard for it.'

'Yeah and she lives with that nerd alert over there.' Dimitri rolls his eyes at Viktoria's comment and it kicks off another battle of banter that Olena has to break up.

We eat and laugh and make good conversation over dinner. As Dimitri and Paul clear up the table, me and Viktoria are at the sink washing the dishes as Karolina and Sonya got their mother to sit and take a break. Of course, they were right there with her while the rest of us did all the dirty work. 'So are you nervous about Meredith flying by herself?' I shake my head no but inside I'm screaming a loud _hell yeah._

I had to be strong though and let Mer go for it. I was assured about everything and we have been going through the precautions since booking the flight a month ago. It was just, I was used to going with her and then taking a red eye flight back to Montana once she was situated with our mom. 'Not really.' Viktoria doesn't say anything but only gives me a look that said I was full of shit. To which, well, I was. I sigh and roll my eyes at her. 'Okay, so I'm really nervous actually. I mean she is my little sister, I do have a right to worry about her on an airplane by herself, you know?'

Viktoria laughs and then places two more dishes in the sink for me to rinse. 'I knew it; she's going to be okay. Mer is a strong girl and the airlines are really careful about those things, I remember one time Karolina sent for Dimka when he was a kid, and mama had to fill out all these papers and take these-'

It doesn't click that she's stopped taking for a long second but when I turn to look at her, her face is frozen with shock. 'Viktoria?' She doesn't reply, so I wave my hand in her face and she blinks a whole bunch of times before finally looking to me. 'Viktoria, what is it?'

The brown of her eyes glisten as she keeps staring at me and then they move down. My hands were resting on the counter top since I had turned off the water and was about to dry my hands but she just kept staring. 'Viktoria, what is it, what's wrong?' Her silent staring was starting to creep me out. So I reach for the towel that was next to the sink and just when both my hands make contact with the material, Viktoria had my hand in hers directly in front of her face.

Oh shit.

I rip my hand away and she comes to with a shake of her head. We look at each other and just when her mouth flies opens to speak, I cover it with my hand and shush her. 'Shh, Viktoria, you can't say anything, not yet!'

Our eyes meet and she glares with my hand still covering her face. The last thing I need is here yelling it out and then the whole Belikova clan comes stomping over here in a stampede. We wanted to do this together, as a couple and Viktoria was about to ruin that. 'You can't say anything, yet, okay? Dimitri and I we want to do this together, on our own, when the moments right.' She glares again at me but I don't remove my hand from her face. Finally her eyes ease into a look of curiosity and I slowly remove my hand from covering her mouth. She glances back to me and then my hand a couple of times before opening and shutting her mouth without a sound. I take a breath and catch Dimitri eyes gesturing for him to come over.

It only takes a glance to his sister's face and then he too is in a slight panic. 'Vika, you can't say anything, okay? Not yet, we want to tell everyone together.'

Viktoria's face contorts into a lot of different expressions all at once. I caught one of confusion and then another of excitement but something else won out. And it was a little surprising that this was the first thing she thought to say about her discovery. 'Are you pregnant?'

It stumps Dimitri and I both, we give a confused look to each other and then back to her. But she doesn't seem to catch on. 'Well, are you? Is that why you're wearing an engagement ring because you've got a bun in the oven? You are aren't you, _you're pregnant_.'

'Rose is pregnant?' Paul's curious voice silences the background noise of the voices in the living room and every other noise in that house.

Then before we know it, before I could comprehend it or say anything, everyone is in the kitchen. Olena and her daughters rush in front of me, my mouth opens to speak but nothing comes out. They stare and scream, and my eyes immediately hunt for Dimitri but it seems he was swallowed in the sea of Belikov women because I don't see him anywhere. I hear his voice though and my eyes move about the many excited faces in front of me to find him. 'Roza...' It's like an echo in a vast dark empty space that I can't see. 'Roza...'

I hear it once or twice and it's hallow and barely there. The noise I hear mostly, loud and clear like blasts of glass breaking all around me are the women in front me congratulating and touching me. Smothering me like a sea of screaming crazy people and imp drowning in it.

'Why didn't you guys say anything?'

'I knew something was up, you're practically glowing!'

'Oh my, I'm going to be a babushka again!'

'This is so exciting! A little Dimka running around-Oh! This is so good; we can get rid of all of baby stuff I got when Zoya was born. Oh, I'm so happy for you guys!'

There were hands, arms, smiles and even some Russian ranting thrown all around me, I didn't know what to do. I was trying to talk and tell them I wasn't pregnant but I couldn't get my voice over any of theirs. It turns out, Dimitri was right, this was absolute chaos and I wasn't even pregnant.

'Oh my god, Rose, you're going to be a mommy and Dimka is going to be a father!'

'Roza! Hey, mama, please, we're not-she's not-'

'I hope it's a boy. Or a girl, they're cool too. Oh! We can throw you a baby shower!'

'No, she's not-'

'Ah! This is so awesome! Congrats, you two, you're going to be such a good mother, Rose. I know it and Dimka! Dimka, you better be ready for sleepless nights and butt rashes.'

'And little fingers and little toes, and screaming, and poop! Oh my god, so much poop!'

They shoot off in Russian every now and then, and I still can't get a word in. Not one word, not to tell them that I'm not pregnant and that we don't need a baby shower. They just keep taking and yelling, and scramming and jumping. They hug me over and over again, and Olena had this blissed out happy expression all over her face. She smiling and they're smiling and I still can't find Dimitri anywhere in this mess. It was suffocating and hard to breathe, let alone talk.

'HEY!'

It wasn't until Mer's really loud scream that everyone stopped taking and the house became silent and still. It was like all air had been let back into the room and I could breathe again. It was like this calm after a storm and everything was quiet and collected. It was so quiet I felt like I may have lost my hearing but I couldn't have been happier. Finally there was silence and I could breathe and talk, and deliver some really bad news about not being pregnant.

'They're not going to have a baby, Roses isn't pregnant. They're just engaged is all.' Meredith simply says and then gets up from the table and walks out of the room shaking her head.

And then the loud smothering Russian chaos returned, times ten.

**...**

I had gone to visit Janine a few months after we moved to the apartment. She had continued to send letters, mostly to Mer, and even called once or twice. The first time we spoke I had expected the same apologies and excuses, except I didn't get any of them. Instead I had got a whole different thing and it was quite unexpected to deal with.

It was a weird foreign feeling to hear your mother finally admit her mistakes and take blame for everything that happen. At first, I didn't know what to say, so we sat there in complete silence for a long time while I contemplated over everything she had just said. To say my mother was a different person would be pushing it, so I'll say she was a better person. Now don't take that too whole heartedly because to this day, there are still things we have to work on. The thing was we were actually getting there this time. Things were different with her, that was true but they were still a work in progress and Janine had knew that. I will say that she had proven to be worthy of Mer after all. That one visit to Utah I took by myself had changed a lot of things.

For instance; my trust in Janine Hathaway. It started out slow and cautious, like standing on a cliff and debating over taking the leap into the water or not, but it turned out to be okay. Trusting her was one of the hardest things for me to do and after that visit; I had decided to just go for it.

It was a very open and honest visit and I came home feeling a little better about myself and Janine. Now I still kept distance between me and her, and she knew it would always be there but the trust with Meredith was there in full. We talked to doctors, psychologist and even the many friends my mother made at the facility, and they all stood by her side. It was interesting to hear some of their stories though, like the one about my mother's roommate who had three children of her own.

They had grown close over the months and had kept each other strong but the roommate relapsed and ended up overdosing. When she died, my mother had promised to herself and her friend that she would never risk her life again. The doctor who was working with Janine had said it changed a lot of things within her and my trust and forgiveness was something she needed to move forward in her progress. It wasn't easy forgiving her and even though I had, I would still remember the pain she had caused me. It would always be there, things like that don't just wash away overnight. I just wouldn't hold it against her anymore and in all honesty, that was sort of a relief for me in a way. I had thought of it almost in the same way as I thought of taking that chance with Dimitri.

I knew he would never risk our relationship again, that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Just like I knew Janine wanted some kind of a relationship with me as well but had damaged that chance long ago. It was the leap I had to take though; people could disappoint you all your life, over and over again but my mother... My mother had disappointed herself and in that she understood what it felt like. What we felt like and it wasn't a good feeling.

So she got better and cleaned up, and surprisingly she's stayed that way. As of this summer, it would be two years and some odd months sober for her, and Mer was going to be with her this Summer to help keep it that way. 'So you're sure you have everything, your carry on and your ticket?' Mer rolls her eyes and closes her backpack up after I made her check things for third time.

'Yes, Roses, I've got it all, chillax already.' I nod and take a breath to keep the panic at bay. 'I'm nine years old and I can take care of myself, I'll be okay.'

I nod again and help her adjust the straps of her backpack. We were waiting in the terminal for the lady the airline was sending to escort Mer to the plane. This was the first time in two years that she would be flying by herself to Utah without me. I usually would go with her, visit with Janine for a while and then take a flight back home that night but since we were moving already, I had to sit this one out. And Mer was more than happy to do this on her own.

'Remember, moms going to be waiting for you by the gate as soon as you land, so look for her, okay?' Mer nods and sighs annoyed with me but I didn't care, she was still my little sister. I would always worry about her. 'And don't talk to any weirdo's on the plane, and if you have to use the restroom make sure you lock the door.'

'Why because people like to watch other people take a crap on airplanes?' I glare as she smiles.

'You hang out with Viktoria way too much, kiddo.' She just shrugs and smiles smugly at me. 'I'm serious, Mer, we don't know who's on that plane and if they're some sicko or not. Just make sure you lock the door and that someone sees you go in.'

She sighs long and annoyed, 'I'll be fine, Roses, we've done this two summers in a row. I stay with the lady and get on the plane, then stay with her when we get off and as soon as I find mom at the gate, I call you. I know, I got it, please stop worrying you're driving me nuts!'

Meredith would never change, she would only grow into the beautiful strong person I know and love. She would tell me things when I needed to hear them and make me laugh out of nowhere. She would be by my side when I married Dimitri and support me when I need it, she would always be my little sister and I loved her dearly. But it was true what Olena, Alberta and everyone else has said; she was a strong capable girl, and I had something to do with that.

'Meredith?' We both turn and come face to face with a lady dressed in the airline uniform. She smiles at me and then to Mer. 'We are ready for you, if you'll follow me...'

'Okay, thank you.' Meredith turns around to face me and I have to fight back my emotions. 'Okay, Roses, I'm going...'

I nod and we both lean in and wrap each other in a tight warm hug. 'Be safe and tell mom to call me as soon as you find her, okay?' She nods and squeezes me tightly, 'By the time you come back home, you'll be in your new room, you know?'

'Yeah, Dimitri said he wouldn't paint it until I got home, so I could choose any color I wanted.' I smile and squeeze her to me one last time. 'Don't get married without me!'

I laugh, 'Mer, we're not getting married until I'm done with school, you have time and I can't get married without my maid of honor, right?' She shakes her head no and then leans out of our hug smiling.

'Mom was really happy when you told her you were marrying Dimitri.' I nod and smile. 'I think it's good too, Roses, he takes good care of us... and he loves us to freaking death.'

'Yeah, he does.' Laughing I fix her backpack one last time and push the worrying panic aside. 'You have fun with mom... and if you're going to work with her, please don't bring home anymore 30 day's sober coins! When people come over and find them, it gets all weird and Dimitri's tired of explaining where mom works.' She laughs and I stand to let her go with the lady.

'Okay.' The lady takes her hand and they head to Mer's flight gate to get her settled in. I watch as they get further away from me and push back the worry again. 'Roses!'

It's kind of hard to hear with all the airport hoopla but I watch as Mer runs back to me right into another hug. 'What happened? Did you forget something?' She shakes her head no and then squeezes me one last time before letting me go. 'Mer?'

She shrugs, 'I just wanted one last hug and to tell you not to worry, I'll be okay.' She smiles while walking backwards and then waves. 'Bye, Roses, I love you!'

I wave in return and laugh as she shouts in the middle of the airport. 'Bye, love you!'

I wait until I lose her in the crowd of people and then turn around to go back home. It was hard leaving her there by herself but like she said, she would be okay and this was another one of those moments where I had to let her grow up. I couldn't protect her from life all of the time but I could prepare her for it and I was okay with that.

**...**

'Hey!'

'Hey, how did it go?'

I drop my keys on the counter in the small kitchen and lean down to kiss Dimitri as he tapes closed a box he had just finished packing on the floor. 'It went good, I stayed with her until I couldn't see her anymore and then after turning back a bunch of times, I finally left.'

He laughs and rises to kiss me again and soon enough I'm wrapped up in his strong arms. 'Well, it's only about an hour in a half flight, so your mother will probably be calling before you know it.' I nod and take his lips in mine again. This was what I loved most about being with him, when we had time to ourselves and could just be together. When our lips met slowly and then shifted into those heated kisses that made me lose my breath and my heart race. When we were so wrapped up in each other nothing and no one else had mattered or existed.

We had grown so much over the last three years and our love had grown strong right along with it. When I needed him he was there, he was my rock and patient with everything we overcame. He was my opposite in so many ways but the other half of my whole in so many others. And I loved him; I loved him so much it hurt.

I was no longer scared or afraid to take a chance with him and I was grateful for the one we had. So it was really no debate or question if I wanted to marry him or not, he didn't even have to ask me once I saw the ring. I had just nodded my head yes before he got the words out and that was all we needed. He was my best friend and I have no clue where or how I would be without him.

'That was fun!' We laugh, naked and absolutely spent on the kitchen floor.

'Yeah, good way to go out, now we can do it in all the rooms of the new house.' I smack his chest and laugh but stop at the sudden reminder.

'I still can't believe Viktoria thought I was pregnant and that was why you asked me to marry you!' He laughs and then rolls over, covering my body with his own and laying his head on my chest while I run my hands through his hair. 'You know, Lissa and Sydney asked me the same thing when I told them?'

'They did?' I nod as he laughs, leaving light kisses over my body and riling me up all over again. 'Well, when we do get pregnant then we just won't tell anyone.'

'And when my stomach is huge and they start asking questions, what would we say?' He laughs and then our lips meet in a deep kiss.

'You swallowed a beach ball?' I laugh but he captures it in another deep kiss. He leans away but still hovers above me, staring at me in that bewildered loving way. 'You sure you want to marry me?'

The question comes out in a low velvety whisper and I smile at the adoring look in his eyes. The eyes I fell in love with all that time ago, the ones that spoke so many things to me without any words. I look at him and think back on everything we have been through and how it's shaped us into the people we are now. He's taught me so much about so many things, things I didn't even know about myself and he was always there when I needed him.

He had kept his promise and had loved me despite all the drama that consumed my life. He was a long way from the nerdy boy I had met in the library back in high school, he had learned so much from the guy who almost lost himself that first year in college. He was a man now; a good man who I knew would always love me and be there. He was the only constant, real thing I had in my life and I would have him forever.

So looking right back into those observing endless eyes with all the love I could possibly muster up, I nod. 'Yeah, I'm sure. I absolutely positively want to marry you, tutor.'

**That's all folks! No worries, I'll be back with more stories very soon-ish. I hope you enjoyed and thanks for the reviews, follows and support. Most of all thanks for just taking the time to read this, I appreciate that people like what I have to write and thank you so much for it.**

**Peace -riv.**


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